start'n up this week...camp has never been in such high demand...
though a handful of clowns applied to tickle yer tucked parts...
by cunt'n it up better than last season's tired meme's...a few unfortunates were left on the cutt'n room floor...most notably were the leaders clowns of the world who traded in their tie's fer a chance to lyp-sync fer their life that the media isn't talk'n about
of course one never to miss out on an opportunity to get people to talk about him...our current TWITTER bitch in the BIG HOUSE...known to his inner circle as Miss Ogeenistique...lost out cuz kept try'na read the lyrics to the song "chopsticks" durin' the interview process
after the 1st russian queen Katya capture the hearts of audiences on season 7 (fer some reason...still lost on me...seriously) the most powerful pussy...known simply as Miss Putin Meon...was immediately disqualified fer try'na have the production assistants/make-up artists/tv techs and execs poisoned by sprinkle'n ricin on their raisin bran...don't worry kittens...RU was no were to be seen on set...like usual
and though she had changed her name to Sally Manilla since no one would book her after loose'n last season...KIM CHI was no longer qualified since she had already used up her 15 minutes...but she did receive a lovely basket of a life time supply of turtle wax fer some reason
but Miss Scarecrow King is gett'n that perfect pouty alternative smile camera ready...just on the off chance they call her boss back...should one of the chosen queens test positive fer negative tv rate'ns
of course all the lil kittens will be runn'n home by friday nite...
once the bells strikes 3...to tune into the all new season...fer some reason...before they pack their bags fer the weekend
and camp it up in their backyard...place'n bets on who's gonna be the first queen to break down and cry...and who's gonna go all shady turrets on the cast...while tapp'n their buddies tingly parts...roast'n marshmallows over an open fire and wash'n 'em down with shots of fireball...so they can ferget about their inhibitions...and their virtues
well...all i gotta say to that is...fuck the bugs...and hit the rugs...
by shipp'n yer lil rug rats away fer the whole fuck'n week...and camp'n out in front of yer brand new color magnovox...with a bottle of yer best mind eraser and catch'n up with thee campiest movies out there
so call in sick this week...and check out my fav-o-rit 13 classic campers
#13 "FLASH GORDON"
this british campolicious sci-fi masterpiece from 1980...stars Sam J. Jones as the hunk-o-rama NY jets quarterback FLASH GORDON...who's forced to travel with Dr. Zarkov and Dale Arden to the planet Mongo to stop Ming the Merciless from blow'n up the earth...all while bein accompanied by the incredible soundtrack of QUEEN..and headdresses any queen would kill for
fav-o-rit quote "FLASH...FLASH...i love you...but we only have 14 hours to save the earth"
#12 "SID AND NANCY"
though drugs may make you feel like a cool mountain breeze...they're not funny...unless of course yer deal'n with the over the top performance by Chloe Webb as Nancy Spungen...the obsessed heroin groupie to punk rocker Sid Vicious played by Gary Oldman from the band SEX PISTOLS...
fav-o-rit quote "i look like fuck'n Stevie Nicks in hippie clothes"
#11 "LUST IN THE DUST"
though every one of the late great DIVINE's movies are considered absolute camp classics...here's one that wasn't directed by John Waters...this 1985 gem spoofs the western flicks made famous by Mr. Eastwood years earlier...take'n place south of the border in Chile Verdi...starr'n DIVINE as Rosie Velez...the dancehall girl lost in the desert on a quest to be rescued by shoot'em up bandido Tab Hunter as Abel Wood on a mission to find the buried treasure hidden in the hills...also starr'n Lainie Cazan as saloon boss Marguerita Ventura with an unrepentant sexual appetite
fav-o-rit quote "only a few more little miles...only a few more itsy bitsy...eeny weeny little miles...and then you can drop dead...you miserable hunk of shit!"
from the land down under...i was so OBSESSED with this up lift'n comedy from 1994...i should'a been committed...about friendship...fantastic adventures...and feathers...starr'n Hugo Weaving as the married Mitzi...Guy Pearce as the flex'n Felicia...and Terence Stamp as transitional Bernadette...after Bernadette loose's her lover to a peroxide exfixation...she along with Mitzi and Felicia pack there bags fer an adventure thru the australian outback..and what an adventure it becomes
fav-o-rit quote "now listen here you mullet...why don't you just light your tampon and blow your box apart...cuz that's the only bang your ever gonna get sweetheart"
#9 "GIRLS WILL BE GIRLS"
released in 2003...this rip roar'n romp about a dysfunctional dreamer VARLA JEAN MERMAN...a delusional derelict COCO PERU and a dilapidated drunk Evie...are roommates live'n together under one roof...learn'n to make the most of their pathetic lives...and filled with more one liners than the back rooms of studio 54
fav-o-rit quote " COCO...i've had more children pulled out of me than a burn'n orphanage"
a hidden treasure from 1996 follows Dawn Weiner...played by Heather Matarazzo...as the quirky misfit middle child...live'n with unattentive parents...a brainiac older brother and a snot-nosed beauty queen lil sister...try'n to cope with her own insecurities grown'n up in the 7th grade
fav-o-rit quote "i don't mean to be a cunt"
#7 "BREAKFAST ON PLUTO"
though released in 2005...this indy irish flick is set in the 1970's...a come'n of age story starr'n Cillian Murphy as Patrick Braden...known simply as "KITTEN"...a trans woman who leaves the small minds of her hometown in Ireland fer the big streets of London in search of love...her long lost mother and herself
fav-o-rit quote "if i wasn't a transvestite terrorist...would you marry me?"
#6 "PARTY GIRL"
the perfect reflection of the times in 1995...starr'n funny gal Parker Posey as Mary...the party queen of the clubs...with an addiction to clothes...as well as chemically enhanced nites...gets arrested after throw'n an illegal rave one nite...and calls her distant aunt to bail her out
fav-o-rit quote "i would like a nice...powerful...mind-alter'n substance...preferably one that will make my unborn children grow gills"
stick a 50's psycho-thriller...a 60's beach party and a 70's slasher flick in a blender...and you'll get this 2000 camp-o-rama smoothie...starr'n Lauren Ambrose (from Six Feet Under fame) as 16 year old Chicklet...a tomboy desperately yearn'n to be part of the "it" crowd with the Malibu surfers
fav-o-rit quote "i've never been to an orgy before...what do i wear?"
released in 1991 comes this beyond brilliant made for tv mockumentary of MADONNA's documentary "TRUTH OR DARE"...starr'n Mtv's comedic darl'n of her weekly show "JUST SAY JULIE"...when Mtv was still cool...this lil red headed head of henna hair Julie Brown...created...wrote and starred as the QUEEN of the dance floor...give'n a glimpse into the life of what really is funny about goin on the road as a megastar...also starr'n a very young Kathy Griffin...Chris Elliot and Bobcat Goldthwait...rumor has it M herself found most of the film funny after view'n it back in the day...and sent Julie a half empty bottle of warm champagne as a consolation prize fer her deadpan impression...which Julie replied "it was really expensive champagne...but it had Madonna spit in it"
littered from bein' to end with famous zippers...my fav-o-rit quote to her therapist on the cell phone..."what do you mean yer not come'n with me on the tour?...i thought with the amount of money i was pay'n you...i was your only patient!...come on...you have to come with me...you said i was "borderline"...i even wrote a song about it!"
another tv special released in 1991...from comedic legend SANDRA BERNHARD's off broadway hit of the same name...explore'n the connection between a superstar and her audience...with sound bites from Steve Antin and Lu Leonard...accompanied by melancholic musical numbers that only this jewess can pull of with the greatest of ease
fav-o-rit quote "when i was a little girl...i used to go home from lunch every day...and i'd pretend that my mother was a waitress in a roadside cafe..."i'll have a side order ma'am"...a side order consists of a white meat tuna...a dollop of mayonnaise...some carrot strips and potato chips...and then i'd sit at the counter...and ignore her!"
now a tony award winn'n smash musical on broadway...that originally was an off broadway production turned into the indy hit camp musical back in 2001...tells the story of german immigrant boy...live'n in a trailer in kansas...who becomes the an internationally ignored rock goddess after a botched sex operation
fav-o-rit quote "i had tried sing'n once back in Berlin...they threw tomatoes...after the show...i had a nice salad"
and now the moment you've ALL been wait'n for...the creme-de-la-creme fer the creme-de-la-femme...you'd have to be live'n under a pile of rocks to not know about this chef-d'oeuvre...the movie more camp than friday the 13th or David combined...
#1 "MOMMIE DEAREST"
as if ANY introduction needs to be said about this cinematic masterpiece...the entire movie is littered with one liners that is the backbone that camp scripts kill for
let's leave it to an ABBA musical accompaniment to showcase the reason why this movie IS NOT to be missed
ps...fer a lil extra credit...check out "SORDID LIVES"
the first movie to ever make me soil my Jordache's from beginn'n to end...this light hearted trailer trash family flick about death...dick...& Tammy Wynette...in the deep south...WHY NOT!...starr'n a host of hilarious characters from Olivia Newton-John...Delta Burke...Jeff Bridges...the brilliant Beth Grant and everyone's fav-o-rit lil keebler elf Leslie Jordan as the Tammy Wynette obsessed fruitcake locked up in a looney bin by his mama fer bein a lil AC/DC
may fav-o-rit line you ask..."can you see my pussy now"
it also turned into a prequel sequel tv series...starr'n the late great tv legend and miami cougar Rue McClanahan as Mama
but of course everyone has to do a damn trilogy to mean any significance these days (thanx George Lucas) but unlike George's success...somethings should be left the fuck alone!
ps...fer a lil extra credit...check out "SORDID LIVES"
well...there ya have it kittens...enjoy the shows...and PUHLEEZ...
get off my dress!
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