unravel'n of Elmer Fudd the current clown fuckery administration that has spawned yet another deflated pasty ass lie'n sack of raisin rancher shit gett'n caught with his hands in the cooked up jar of aid'n and abett'n with the enemy...just try'na cover up fer the current commander in chief
that bloated narcissistic Twitter bitch'n clown in the White House and his highly delusional accusations that the last great president we had in years...wire tapped his phone...in his OWN ego bloated shit palace (just wait and see kittens)...you missed out on thee most tragically unmagically intrigue'n story of non espionage of the year...so catch up on pt. 1 here slow poker
and now...thee most ear bleed'n irritate'n continuation to thee worst vaca...
fer this unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe
so there i was...goin all Veruca Salt in the middle of the Monte Carlo...cuz apparently Miss Sarkisian was bit by the flu bug...
and though i completely understand that even Oscar winn'n celebs...like herself...can fall under the weather every now and then...i was in absolutely no mood fer any more disappointments that day...so at the very least...
she could'a sent me a complimentary (and very much deserved and very much needed at this point kittens...i mean COME ON ME...it had been 7 whole days...i had suffered enough...kapeesh!) goodie basket with the usual complimentary spermicidal jams and jellies to my room...along with a room of my own of course...
cuz i had just come (well not in that way pervie) to the realization that i am now stuck at the mercy of Edina and the bitch troll from trumpville hell until morn'n
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
but when life gives you a basket of unwanted lemons...the best thing to do is to find a good bartender that knows how to do a good rim job...and thankfully it was a unanimous decision we could all agree upon and found him ready to rim us in Paris
(though i was pretty sure i was the only one on his "menu")
after a few unconscious cocktails...we decided to walk them off thru the streets of Paris...but Edina grabbed a handful of Mexican fiesta corn nuts from her CVS bag and started choke'n on 'em
i was absolutely mortified...i couldn't believe what was happen'n to her...in front of ME...luckily fer her...my instincts kicked in and i sprang into action...by doin' what any unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe would do in this situation...i started walk'n really fast down the streets of Paris...hopped a gondola and sailed away to the streets of Berlin...(unfortunately...that was all in my head) but as she started up chuck'n in her bag (kittens...no visual aids are needed here...we ALL know what happens I'm sure) i figered she'd be fine...
all i wanted to do was find my emergency box of calgon and drift away
once she was able to catch her breath after hack'n up half her lunch...she says "oh my god...there must'a been dust on those nuts!"...(oh if i gotta quarter every time i hadda say that...well...I'd have about $3.75) then i remember Miss Bernhard tell'n me the exact same story how she suffered the same fate many moons ago at the Stardust Hotel in Vegas...but then Edina started doin the sugar shuffle so as she skipped to the loo...without me darl'in...
i was stuck with the Lord Cheeto zombie troll from H-E-double hockey stix...with the personality of a used enema...who couldn't stop ripp'n on all the people around us to shreds...from the 2 tulips sniffers hold'n hands...to the the bad bi-leveled beauty cupcakes in crop tops...now listen here kittens...i'm no judgmental judy unless it's warranted...and trust me...there was an APB out on her double A double snakes...she actually showed me the 2 pairs of spanx she had on tucked under her shirts...and trust me...they were scream'n bloody murder at the seams...
then of course by the time Edina had returned all hell had broken loose when she seen about that scum suck'n scrotal sack Flynn resign'n from the clown fuckery show cuz of his shenanigans with Putin ...and the on goin protests concern'n the travel ban on immigrants...she just wouldn't shut the fuck up about how the democrats and Hillary lovers (insert me here along with over 64 mill more) needed to just get over it...cuz she lied and that's why she lost...she of course would try to explain to me how EVERYONE wanted him in the office to help turn the country around fer the better of everyone...since we were so fucked up the fer past 8 years...
hmmm?
but at this point...i was in no position to argue with this obviously delusional fuck'n sawed off nutcase who drank all the damn "juice" durin' the election...like i wanted to...i was just begg'n to get smacked up side the head by some window pane...cuz i was just tired of this pain in the A double snakes
finally...by 2ish in the am hours...we convinced Edina to call it a nite from loose'n any more of her precious Abe Licoln's cuz there's still plenty of time in the next 3 days to loose even more...but before i could start count'n sheep...i was asked one more time if a was a serial killer
at this point i never felt so much empathy fer serial cheaters...all i wanted to do was to wake up and escape her clutches
and 4 hours later i would do just that...as i could see dawn come'n thru the crack in the curtains...i knew i hadda make my escape...no matter what the cost...as i popp'd on my cell to hunt fer a hotel so i wouldn't have to sell my dignity for the lowest dollar that early A.M. morn'n...i was S.O.L cuz apparently you hadda pay for cell service when inside the hotel room...
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
i was about to say 2 tears in the bucket...mutha fuck it!...i've sold myself down worse rivers in the past before...thankfully though...when Edina arose from her narcoleptic nap...she offered to log onto her laptop and find me a place in the area...and luckily fer me...she found me my very own room at a steal of a deal she said at the Flamingo...so i punched in my card info and booked the room fer the next 2 nites no matter what the cost...
$95 a nite was much better than $200 per nite...but then i thought...WAIT!...don't put yer card info into her computer or i would be broke by the time i flew back home...so i clicked the back button to cancel the requested room...but as the wart hog from hell awoke...i no longer cared about a lil fraud on my account...i just wanted the fuck outta this unwanted cage i was forced into thanx to (insert name here)...so i hit the forward button...and to my surprise...i hit the lotto cuz the room was now slashed in half to $45 and i immediately booked my next 2 nites at the Flamingo
then i remembered that i would be bask'n in the presence where one Miss Elvira once made her big boobage break thru back in the 80's and perhaps...maybe the same could happen to ME!
as the trump troll showered...me and Edina would chatter about her biz and her boys bad habits over a slice of her fabulous lemon poppy seed cake that she had brought with...but once the troll emerged from the showers...i hadda suffer fer 15 more minutes thru her story about how her only son had dated this girl fer 3 months then "stuck his penis into her vagina" (and that is a direct quote) but then broke up with her and now she was "damaged" fer any other man and he was gonna "stick your penis in another vagina?"...then claims to tell me that her hubby said she was the only snatch that matched his pipes!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
at this point i knew i was about to spontaneously combust...but decided to be cordial and thanked them both fer their generous hospitality and hoped the troll would have a safe trip to back to the planet earth someday...there was no time like the present fer this unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe to finally click my clod-hoppers and disappear like a herpe on a hooker...so i asked them what was the best way to get to the Flamingo hotel...
with a bit of a perplexed look on their faces...Edina says to me
"but honey...yer already at the Flamingo hotel!'
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
tune in next week fer the unconscious conclusion to
DISASTER CAKE: the CHER chronicles
now get off my dress!
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