after a long hard day at the orifice...when all of a sudden...outta the blue...i was rudely awakened by some cunt knuckled fucktard...blare'n his horn at me like a screetch'n owl...just cuz the light turned green (how rude indeed!)
by the time i had parked my lil shit box on wheels and opened the door...
to my lil shitbox to collapse in bed fer the next 100 years...i was once again...rudely awakened by a snappy lil ding alert'n me that i had a new unopened email...so i flipped over to reach fer my bed staple gun to open'n one eye to see what was so damn urgent that i hadda read it at this very second
turns out it was from CAREY international car services...official car service for the NFL...and they were desperately try'na reach out me to become a chauffeur driver for the NFL and celebs come'n to the Minne-Apple fer
SUPER BOWL 52...wai'da'minute...WHAT?...SUPER BOWL?...CELEBS?...NFL PLAYERS?...this hadda be some sort of a joke...i mean...i knew i hadda pretty decent drive'n record...fer the most part...and that this was gonna be a totally easy breezy and by far...my best chance of ever gett'n discovered...to get outta my shitbox and to get on ELLEN...a star drive'n stars around...what parallel universe does that ever happen?
i immediately popped a xanax and washed the bottle down with a tasty...
merry berry metamucil martini and i was off like a hooker in heat...to find the perfect professionally look'n monkey suit that i could impress my famous passenger OR PASSENGERS with...that was also returnable so i wouldn't have to file fer bankruptcy...and i think i found me the winn'n ticket...dont'cha think?...unfortunately...my 3 other personalities wanted in on this gig as well...so i thought about it fer a minute and i was like...eh...why not!
the interviewer told me that i would need to take off 5 days from work...
plus work the weekend lead'n up to the game and that i would make minimum of $1000 a day in tips...work'n 12-16 hours days...so a quick addition in my head and i couldn't believe i was gonna make like a half millions dollars or somethin like that...i could finally get myself a lil getaway hut in the Poconos that i never dreamed was never gonna be possible...of course i was hope'n i would be chauffeur'n the likes of PINK or JT around town...give'n em a taste of the Minnehopelis hot spots...but what the hell...at this point...i would'a drove Ernest Borgnine's corpse around town if i knew he was gonna pay me handsomely
after a 6 hour train'n class the follow'n weekend with 10 other drivers
i got my drive'n papers to come pick up my vehicle in 2 days that i'd be use'n...i was as giddy as a pyro with a pile of matches...but also learned that they already had 190 other drivers on hand...so i thought to myself...wow...this is gonna be H-U-G-E with this many drivers on the road
i immediately asked fer my list of celebs so i could start practice'n my
A double snake kiss'n...without look too desperate...just in case i got stuck with some delusionally... less than stellar D lister...but i also wanted to know if i needed to have a supply of antibiotics on hand in my glove department...you know... just in case i got stuck with the walk'n STD clan
the morn'n i went to pick up my vehicle with the needed supplies...i was
told that dispatch would contact me via text when to pick up my 1st celeb (or NFL meathead) at Minneapolis International Airport...so i was to have the specially designed NFL 2 way dispatch phone on me at all times...and that i couldn't be tool'n around town doin my errands or pick'n up any "friends" to make a "deal"...i couldn't believe my eyes when i walked out to the park'n lot...the size of my wheels were beyond enormous...i had never ridden anything this big in my entire life...
well...unless you count that one time Lil Kim's "how many licks" was play'n in the background and they were on all 4's
i was so nervous that someone was gonna put a damn ding my car...
that by the time i got back home...i immediately bubbled wrapped it up and sat on my couch inside my shitbox watch'n a marathon of "STRANGER THINGS" season 1...(fer the 10th time) wait'n patiently wait'n for my 1st pick-up text
day would turn into nite before i would FINALLY receive my very 1st call
and wouldn't you know it...it was the wrong damn number...ARE YOU FUCK'N KIDD'N ME?...i couldn't believe my luck...but instead of a ballistic breakdown... i just reset my emotions...cuz...to be fair...i did remember them say'n that i MIGHT not receive a call or text on my 1st day...but come on!...i swear this was a planted fake call to keep me from goin apeshit about ever agree'n to become a celebrity slave in the future
i decided to ruin my waistline by putt'n myself in a cream pie coma
and began to count sheep til dawn would visit me once again....tune in next week for part 2 of LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE: the stupid bowl chronicles
now get off my dress!
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