perhaps you might wanna start yer journey here...
then move onto last week's nauseate'n episode here
edition of...
LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE: the stupid bowl chronicles
day 4 i received a text bright and early that morn'n that i would basically be
whored out fer the entire day to ONE client only (which i was also told in train'n this is what i wanted cuz that meant B-I-G B-U-C-K-S by the end of the nite)
just like the day before...i arrived 15 minutes early but this time by 11:30 in the am hours...and said pimp showed up (with 2 kids...that i never gave any candy to...to get them inside the vehicle...just FYI) roughly 7 minutes past the scheduled pick-up...i could work much better with this tardiness of course since it was a bright and sunny morn'n...and i no longer felt like i would be traipse'n thru the tundra on HOTH
google wasn't much help to me as i couldn't find much on my new client...but what i surmised from the lil bit of Angela Lansbury snoop'n that i stumbled across...was that this walk'n AARP recipient...known as Stuart Posnock...must'a been some sorta hoity toity CEO hotshot or some shit like that out west...cuz he didn't reek of any sorta NFL stuffy stiffer status quo at all (whew!)
1st stop would be ice fish'n on beautiful Lake Minnetonka...fer roughly 4 hrs...though i packed a lunch...i should'a never washed it down with a red bull so quickly...cuz that runs thru me like delicious diuretic
(if ya catch my drift...and not my draft)
stop 2 was off to the Mall of Hysteria fer a quickie...but trust me outta towners...it ain't ALL that!...you take ANY mall and multiply it by 4...and all yer gonna end up with is a gigantic petri dish of pink eye and Sodom and Gomorrah runway models
by nite fall...it was time to pick up the wifey and 3 more passengers fer dinner at Bar La Grassa...who i could'a swore was the equivalent to an over priced Anna Nicole knock-off...she had more plastic in her than a tupperware party at Our Sodomystic Sisters of Perpetual Petulance church bizarre...that kept referr'n to my client as "daddy"...which...of course we all know what that means...don't' we kittens?...if she lifts her heels to the heavens by nitefall...she'll gett'n a new mink in the morn'n
catch my drift?
afterwards it was a mad dash back to the LuMinn hotel fer a quickie...
ummmm...i mean costume change...then fly like the wings of a maxi pad...with his eldest daughter off to the Rolling Stone party at international market square...where the crème de la crème's collided with the crème de la femme's fer a nite of dance'n and prance'n...and if they had the remembered their roofie...perhaps a lil romance'n in the boys room...
luckily my phone was charged up enough...
so i could hunt fer some bottom of the barrel Larry Darryl and/or Darryl within walk'n distance while i waited...why not!
my pleasantly delightful and courtesy guests were ready to call it quits
30 minutes to midnite...so i scurried them off before their stage couch turned back into a problematic pumpkin...and from the looks of things...they were very ready to scamper back to their beds...while visions of stock markets and security investments danced in their heads...but not before ask'n me if i would honor their request to be their driver AGAIN the follow'n day...SOOOO...not that i was look'n fer a hand out or anything
BUTT...i was...
i figered since i had clocked in and was cater'n to their colons fer 12 full hours...that i should be rewarded a tiny queen's ransom...handsomely
BUTT...
all i got was another fuck'n chance at catch'n the flu...via the ol' hand system once again
hmmm...i hadda think...what're my chances that maybe...just M-A-Y-B-E...that they were gonna tip me out after the follow'n day?
well...after careful consideration...i of course had to graciously and respectfully decline their request
and hoped that his wife's walk'n charge card's botoxed mug and her injected beyond belief pole hole flapper would explode like the death star at 30,000 feet...while he would inherit a prolapsed anal entrance that would require a bungee chord to keep it from scrape'n on the damn sidewalk
even though i like pina colada's...i didn't feel like gett'n caught in the rain...
so i visited my midnite at the oasis and called it a day...and realized that the next day was day #3 of actual drive'n (even though it was already day 4)...and 3 is my lucky number...so here's hope'n huh
before i shut my cornea's i heard a ding on my cell inform'n me of not 1
BUTT 2 clients
my first was Peter somethin' who was president of the Seattle Seahawks i speculated from skimm'n quickly thru his google bio...but since i wanted nothin' to do with our current #45...he was unfortunately just guilty by
association...though client number 2 on the other hand made me feel like i was move'n on up...to the top...to that delux apartment in the skyyyyy!
cuz it was none other than hot chocolate himself...DEION SANDERS...and even though i had heard
of him thru the grapevine from time to time...
i turned the radio on...SADE "smooth operator" i think it was...and lemme tell you...there was no need to ask...as i turned up the heat on his seat...that turned the conversation into a 360 as he rested his massive palm on my delicately chilled patella...and as our front seats slowly faded downward to the back seats...
the natives inside my head were beat'n their drums to the "rhythm is gonna get you" by GLORIA ESTEFAN and the MIAMI SOUND MACHINE...then all of a sudden i felt the essence of a young SANDRA BERNHARD encapsulate'n my aura...
"i knew then and there i wanted him...i wanted him inside me like i've never wanted anyone before...but all of a sudden i said STOP!...do you have any rubbers? would you mind putt'n one on? while you're at it...make it 2!...and i would feel just a little bit better if you would apply some spermicidal jams and jellies to the area!"
(insert record scratch here)
wait'a cotton pick'n minute here kittens...did i just just get whacked...
in the head by a fly'n window pane try'na runaway from the twisted farm help cuz they tried to poke me in my pinafore?...uh huh...i don't think so....I FUCK'N QUIT!...
cuz i was not about to spend one more wasted minute in suspended animation...try'na to figer out if i MAY or MAY NOT get more than a handshake...or even get one AT ALL fer that matter!!! i don't care how much of a hot chocolatey...finely dressed brutha he was...
i'm thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...i don't have to put up with this shit!...i will name you and shame you...just to save some other mobile monkey from have'n to waste their time...when they can make more work'n the streets in the sheets
i dropped of my keys and picked up my dignity 3 days before the end of...
my scheduled contract...and in the end...i never did get it in mine...or the 1000's of promised benjamins neither...all i really got outta this whole damn experience were the bragg'n rights of say'n i was the one who rejected the right to service DEION SANDERS and this lil bitty memento of how much i will ALWAYS loathe sporting events from this day forward...so let me start the bidd'n at $1000...do i hear 2?
someday just maybe it'll make it's way into a lifetime movie of the week...
starr'n MARKIE POST as the down & almost out of her mind unintentionally internationally perform'n illusionist of her own universe...just try'na claw her way to a top...even though she was never really a bottom!
now get off my dress!
ps...since we're on the subject of stupid bowl...can we talk about that half time show fer a minute?...though i luved me some JT...(back in the day)...i needed a morphine drip to get even halfway thru his "performance"
(hi...it's N'SYNC on the line...lemme patch em thru to you...pronto!)
ppss...i seriously wanted someone to throw...
ppss...i seriously wanted someone to throw...
PRINCE's rott'n corpse up on stage 3 minutes into JT's mylanta moment
(the only redeemable moment was to see PRINCE's symbol blanket the downtown of the Minne-Apple
PPPSSS...it still DOES NOT BEAT...
(the only redeemable moment was to see PRINCE's symbol blanket the downtown of the Minne-Apple
PPPSSS...it still DOES NOT BEAT...
thee all time greatest halftime performances of ALL TIME by THE QUEEN
that still gives me the chills today when i watch it!
that still gives me the chills today when i watch it!
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