i became an exceptionally pre-pubescent unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe by learn'n the slings and arrows of an imperfect world thru the words of wisdom from the mouth of america's fav-o-rit top sell'n Sears catalog sweater model from 1968 to 1973...Mister Rogers...who taught me so much on how to mind yer manners...be kind to one another...while give'n me the knowledge to deal with things i simply would shutter at the thought of have'n to do on my own
it was an afternoon staple...wake'n from my afternoon nap at my nana's
while roll'n her cigarettes...that is until that horrendously salacious scandal of '79...when it went off the air fer a short period of time...due to alcoholics anonymous alumni Lady Elaine...gett'n caught poodle ball'n with MADAME behind King Friday's castle late one friday nite...you can here all about it in...
since his death in 2003...children around the world have mourned the loss
of knowledge readily read to them...as they try their damnedest to escape a life of celibacy
and cope'n with life's struggle's...just like dear ol' mom & dad have ever since they were born
luckily fer all my kinder-kittens out there that have been tune'n in each
week to read my whimsical words of bastardized but highly educational wisdom fer the past 7+ years...today is NOOOO exception...so kick back Jacks' and don't be a pill Jills'...cuz i've found you a few educational gems that you probably won't find at yer local library anytime soon to help get you thru those tough and tawdry adolescent years
1st up is this perfect lil sleeper fer that new lil peeper in yer life that's been
try'na steal away yer spotlight by milk'n all those oooh's and awww's that you so rightfully earned and desperately deserved on yer very own fer the past 5 years...by batt'n their damn butterfly lashes every time granny Aiken's comes over to visit....dress'n them in the finest threads from Gucci and Prada...when all you got at that age was some hand-me-down potato sack splattered in glitter from yer aunt Gerald
next up is the story of how pretty pink might be...unless it's in yer eye!
i learned this lesson way too late in life...picture it...the year was 1996...i had just made my final payment on my uncle's car...and had been chatt'n to this "gentleman caller" fer the past 3 months on the phone line who lived on the north side of town...who wanted me to go down on his south side and make it go north (among other indiscretions) but wasn't gonna pick me up...well...on this one particular nite...i decided to throw caution to the wind...
ironed my culottes and threw on my fav-o-rit floor length laura ashley floral blouse with a modest lace sweat soaker... and flew thru the streets of the Minne-Apple...
like an animalistic wench look'n to get wickedly wrecked...properly!
by the time i had arrived...(roughly 30 minutes past the witch'n hour)...
he greeted me at the door like a proper whore and invited me in....now i have an imagination trust me...but he was not AT ALL what i was expect'n...since most i've met on line back in the day's always inverted their numbers and ALWAYS add more inches without back'n it up with proof...he was thee BRAWNY MAN...x10...kittens...i nearly died!...cuz as i peeled off his nearly painted on jeans...i was knocked in the face by...
45 minutes later...after all the huff'n and puff'n and pose'n like an egyptian hieroglyphic (don't ask)...i was ready fer the fantasy to end...but i was not ready fer what i was about to witness fer the 1st time...cuz as he let out his final grunt...it was as if the hoover dam had just burst wide open
and trust me...there was no time to escape!
i literally was an eye without a face...luckily fer me though...antibiotic drops were invented at this particular moment in time
i may have came there as some sorta twistedly innocent on-licker...
but i left a full grown root'n toot'n gun slinger (insert evil wink here)
now where was i?...oh yea...this book frightened the literal fuck outta me...
trust me...DON'T!
this next book is a no brainer strainer fer all you bad boys out there...
that don't wanna make a mess on yer grama's sunday dress....when yer visit'n the ol' preparation H parade again fer the 5th time in a week...cuz mommy's gotta go to another emergency "PTA meet'n" with the head coach and superintendent...at 10 pm...after catch'n daddy one too many times...
take'n the "babysitter" with him on his lunch break
and finally...last up in "a lil kwiet time with KRYSTAL KLEER" book klub...
self exploration is completely natural at any age...whether yer a tired toddler or a tween with yer tingly parts in hyper drive...it's yer body...so you might as well find all the hidden treasures and pleasures on yer very own...before they become utterly destroyed by relationships that will ignore you and yer left on the kitchen floor of yer broken down trailer....categorize'n yer STD's...thanx to all those long and very expensive lonely nites!
there ya have it...hope that helped ya out some...now go spread my words
like a like gorgeous case of gonorrhea and get off my dress!
No comments:
Post a Comment