well...i suppose 19 years in any one industry can take it's toll on anyone's spirit...especially when yer options are limited
after my last financial contract was not gonna be renewed once i'd already
completed 6 months of work...even though the very stylish twat-waffle that hired me...sat me in her office one morn'n fer a face to face meet'n and offered to take me on full time just 2 weeks into the position if i wanted it once my 3 month trial run was over cuz she was more than beyond impressed with my skills compared to the last 3 brain dead hunt and peck'n monkeys they hired prior to gett'n me...then had the complete unmitigated gall to just send me an email state'n "super sorry that we can't extend your contract" (even though they already extended it past the 3 months she said i'd already be hired on) then just tell'n me it's all over by end of march
and to add sulfuric acid to the wound...she strikes up the pity parade with the dilapidated dungeons and dragons dipshit that trained me in and her boss (that said nothing more than hi to me once) to gift me with some lame confucktionary slice of bakery bullshit...the typical "good luck" card forced around the floor at gun point practically fer the entire staff to sign (even though most barely acknowledged yer presence when you were there) and these exact eloquently displayed words of encouragement...on a fuck'n mylar balloon
yea...cuz i'm 6 a year old who made it thru the nite without piss'n the bed fer a change...puhleez!!...the second...(& i do mean the second that they were outta visual range)...i ripped up the card without bother'n to read the written messages of torture inside by the office zombie's i never conversed with...popped the fuck'n balloon and threw the cake slice in the recycle bin...you don't give any adult a damn mylar balloon over the age of 25 with this inscription...unless it's fer some random butt plug you met that remembered to cover his teeth and not treat yer throat plunger like it was some sorta corn on the cob and did the proper cleanse'n process so you didn't have to punch into "charlie's chocolate factory"...again!
well...at this point i figered it was time to live off the states dime fer a bit
since i already paid my dues fer years without any sorta assistance...so i signed up fer funemployment & decided to take a couple mini vaca's...one to the BIG APPLE and another to OPRAHVILLE...but the best mini vaca i had take'n so far this summer...was take'n a potential hot failure to meet his nana in mankato to pick up his new set of wheels from his deceased gramps...and was found by mistake...in Jordan MN...though it was simply called MINNESOTA'S LARGEST CANDY STORE
BUTT...i swear
they need to rebrand their build'n and just call it what it really is
"A DIABETICS DREAM HOUSE"
stepp'n inside was like stepp'n into the childhood i thought i killed off
many moons ago...with what seemed like mile long aisles of any sorta confectionery nightmare you could ever possibly imagine...
and even some pretty snappy pop cultural references to distract you on yer journey
have'n a hard time try'na train yer lil kittens into potty train'n classes?
well...feed em some fun from the makers of Unicorn Poop and watch em go absolute ape shit when they've plopped out some colorfully cool stool
tired of yer lil tikes not gett'n the dishes done by the time you get home?
don't punish em by lock'n em in that dingy cellar and unscrew'n the light bulbs that'll cause a merried of mental issues later on in life...include'n issues with arachnophobia...or horse whipp'n em with yer married boyfriend's ride'n crop...give those lil fuckers some scorpion suckers and make em finish em til there's nothing left and that'll teach em to finish their chores in a timely manner!
they even got tempt'n ways to turn yer lil Tammy or Tommy into Taiwanese taste testers
though...don't you fret my lil grown up pet....this place is not just fer kids
have'n a tough day at the office...but not enough time to run to the liquor store and fill that boot flask you have tucked underneath yer culottes? this place has you discretely covered...by lett'n you be yer own bartender without the boss have'n the slightest clue
and hey...they even gotcha covered if you had one too many margarita beans burn'n the midnite oil
not a confectionery connoisseur? no problem...if liquid is yer more like'n
why not be the coolest (or grossest) parents in the cul de sac...by pick'n up a case of Pimple Pop or Bloody Nose refreshments fer yer tweens next sleepover
like the taste of home grown corn on the cob but hate pick'n the kernels
out from between yer damn dentures?...then you got nothin' to worry with the great carbonated taste of Lester's Fix'ns Sweet Corn Soda
sick of gett'n splattered by the grease fry'n up a 20 pound bag of bacon
fer the whole fuck'n church breakfast?...save yer sanity and yer skin by serve'n the congregation a cold refresh'n glass of Lester's Fix'ns Bacon Soda to slide down those dry wall cakes
and keep the flavor goin by not ferget'n to brush afterwards!
you know yer dead celebrity status means absolutely nothing...unless it's
bein exploited on a bottle of the very finest liquid replenishment of dead pop cultural fizzies
and you thought poor old Tonto had no taste at all?...well...you'd be wrong at this junction jack!
try'na get thru another kids celebration fer the umpteenth time this week?
now thanx to the makers of Minnesota Double Chocolate Bourbon in a Bottle Cake Mix...you can enjoy it with ease!
need somethin to give yer holiday guests since they can't seem to guess
that it's their time to go before yer about to go bat shit sing'n any more damn xmas carols?...why not serve em some clamdy canes and you'll never have to worry about host'n the in-laws ever again
no one likes not to punch into "charlie's chocolate factory" more than me
but let's get real...who wouldn't love some of Amy's homemade fudge?
i barely even touched the surface of what'll put you in a clearasil coma...
but if ya ever get to Jordan MN...don't be a sucker fucker...just go
and get off my dress!
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