adulted emails and such...i came (well...NOT this week yet...but there's still hope) across a blog i was write'n fer the last school season...so i figer'd there's no reason to wait...since i'm have'n brain tumors fer breakfast this week and can't seem to think of a gosh damn fuck'n thing to write about without hemorrhage'n my cerebral cortex over the shit storm that's come'n our way via our unfortunately MENTALLY DERANGED LIE'N SACK OF PIG SHIT and his band of desperado dipshit lick'n repuglicunts as usual...
thanx to those fuck'n family friendly upstand'n moralistically depraved deplorables and their acceptance of his all his bullshit at his pig fist'n rallies
BUTT...i digress!
though many might wish that their high school years was just a plethora...
of musical diddys and dudes...goin from a beauty queen to a bad ass
we all have had our own cross to bear in the trenches of high school...
whether we were just bein' the pin-up or the pinata
Molly was the painted saint fer all of us misfit Gen Xer's out there...
make'n millions off the pain of bein the most popular princess of our teenage angst...who secretly...we all wanted to be...or at the very least...have her as our very own personal BFF
but once the tantrums have faded...along with their looks...only then...at the 30 year reunion...you only wish'd you'd done everything on a much more grandioso scale...(well not go all Columbine mind you) so you could turn yer experience into some major bank account and get yer
plump A-double snakes outta the funemployment line...even though i couldn't be bothered to show up this time around...i'm still contemplate'n my book/movie deals with the mucky mucks of tinsel town about my scandalously sordid school experiences...i'm think'n mine probably could be titled somethin' like "kiss my alabastered plump A double snakes: the diaries of an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe" (simple and to the point don'tcha think?) or maybe "locker room liaisons" or how about "screw u2"
now i know these might sound more like porn titles...than pulitzer prize winners...but hey...it's my fuck'n story...so sue me if yer called about by yer real name in my flick...dick!
in the mean time...here's the list of my all time fav top 10 high school melodrama's that'll help you create yer very own million dollar box office smash hit you can start penn'n today and skip all that useless therapy
#10 even though this was originally released way back in the year 1982...
is the saturated punk classic with a hideous theme song by one Alice Cooper (that's pretty much a pooper) but it has all the key elements of the rough and tough tales of survive'n the inner city schools...starr'n 80's hot daddy Perry King as the hot-to-trot teacher teacher and 50's ferry Roddy McDowall...if that ain't enough to scare the shit outta ya...
then Michael Fox (before the J) in his pseudo Dorothy Hamill do...will do...i swear it!
#9 sometimes bein' teachers pet is just not worth the complete hassle...
is all about the easily accessible non verbal world of titillation at yer finger tips these days...this dark tale of on-line chitter chatter...turns the table...and the fable...about a lil red hood and the big bad dirty mined wolf of a teacher
#8 live'n in some peaceful burbsville ain't all what it's cracked up to be...
is filmed in the backdrop of the 1970's...picture it...ABBA is everywhere and yer bein' brought up in an overly protective and religious household...(i can't even imagine)...but you can when you check out this brilliant dark drama starr'n a young Kristen Dunst...Kathleen Turner...James Woods
and Minnesota's very own heart throb Josh Hartnett
#7 well beyond my blissless graduational years...the sleeper hit of 2001
made me wish i was back in high school fer just one more year and take the swim coach up on his offer to help beat his "erasers" after class...a quirky flick starr'n neo emo Thora Birch as Enid and her BFF...a very young starlett Miss Scarlett Johansson as Rebecca and her next door nerdy neighbor Steve Buscemi as Seymour...Enid can't graduate without her art class...but gets classed in art by Seymour...all while become'n the teachers fav-o-rit pet
#6 not everyone feels the need to feel pretty in pearls and perfume
the 1st of my 2 pix fer best high school flix by the ever talentedly beautiful Winona Ryder...as Dinky with her antisocial attitude in check...and the odd ball out amongst her peers...she anxiously awaits the arrival of her birth mother that she thinks abandoned her as a baby...while build'n her ark of misfit animals
#5 "plug it up...plug it up..."plug it up"...hey...do i need to say anymore?
"CARRIE"
experiences way more than she can handle...as if that first time when "flo comes to town" ain't hard enough...if this De Palma classic with Miss Spacek as the telekinetic teenage terror taught me a thing or two about high school is...is that you NEVER EVER fuck with the quiet ones...PERIOD!
ps...SPOILER ALERT...FUCK THE REMAKE and save yer money...i'da rather stuck tooth pix in my toenails thEn try and watch this waste of refried crap on a bagel to the end!
#4 how a total crush can really totally crush you to a pile of pathetic bits
from 1996...being a middle child is never easy...but bein a middle Weiner completely sux ass...especially when yer stuck between a nerdy dweeb fer an older brother and perky C-U-Next-Time fer a lil sister...but Dawn manages to find a purpose fer all those electrical circuits rage'n thru her fresh nubile body
#3 what teenager doesn't feel like their life is fuck'd over?
starr'n Christina Applegate as Sue Ellen thinks her last summer before graduation is a free fer all when her mom decides to take a trip down under...only to find out her mother hired a nanny cam marinate'n in ben-gay and orthopedics to keep the clan in check and she ends up have'n to raise her younger sibs on petty cash and pizza while juggle'n a career in fashion
#2 try'na be the most popular pupil can turn out to be totally deadly...
is a fairly unknown black comedy masterpiece in my mind...
filmed in my very state of the Purple Paisley yoda himself...(RIP)
stars a slue of cool funny brassy bold broads from Alley to Ellen...Denise to Dunst...tell'n the tale of a bevy of mid-western wanna-be beauty queens vy'n fer that ultimate meal ticket to become'n the town tramp...i mean to wear that coveted crown of diamelles molest'n yer aqua-netted head at the open'n of all those new rest stops and "back room movie theaters" and not lett'n anyone step in yer way...or on yer culottes...that you hand stitched from the buttermilk pattern #45 in yer grannies collection
#1 "fuck me gently with a chainsaw...do i look like Mother Teresa?"
"HEATHERS"
my 2nd and ULTIMATE high school trama drama by Miss Winona Ryder as Veronica Chandler and high school hard-on Christian Slater as the incredibly hot psycho JD...this masterpiece was a completely ripped off road map fer the movie "Mean Girls"...about how to deal with peer pressure and pansy asses...litter'd in classic one liners from beginn'n to end
for a lil extra credit...i even got one fer those drop-outs
a prequel to the gloriously slap-stick'n series than ran fer 3 hysterical seasons on Comedy Central spoof'n the after school specials of the 80's...
centered around Carrie Bradshaw's publicist in that one series that escapes me at the ,moment...this is the story about a Jerri Blank...junkie whore runaway who dropped outta school 32 years ago...who was a boozer...a looser and a user...but goes back to school as a 46 year old freshman to pick up right where she left off
so there ya have it kittens...don't try to remake history...just make it!
I think a teenscreenfest is what we all need to take our minds off it!
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