unlike ✨SPARKLES✨the clown from hell...that somehow...i could not expel from my pure virgin like existence durin' the all hallowed even'n til the wee hours of the follow'n morn'n...after i had finally drownded the lil fucker in a bottle of jalapeno flavored Zima...with just a hint of mint to break the bite
now let's get to why we're really all here...and that is to find out WTF really
happened in that oh so quaint lil northern miserablesota town i was bein' summoned to (buy a ticket to the catch up train here fer pt 1) cuz i really can't invest anymore of my time from my busy schedule of nothingless to you slow pokers...so kick back and enjoy the excrutiate'n conclusion to the "tale of 2 brides"
the day had finally arrived...and my nerves were shot to shit...much like
the current mentally deranged lie'n corrupt sack of petrified cheeto dusted excrement with the cottage cheezed ass disgrace'n the oval office's mug...try'na shrug off the the extremely loud thunderous boo's that were showered upon him when he briefly appeared on the jumbo tron durin' the the recent world series game 5 in Washington...followed up by a parade of cantankerous chants of "LOCK HIM UP!" "LOCK HIM UP!" "LOCK HIM UP!"
YESSSSSSSSSSS PLEASE!
my security detail arrived as promised with a basket full of freshly baked
muffins...filled with the plumpest of blueberries...plucked by appalachian clog dance'n children...from high atop the mountains of Sheboygan WI...OH...WAIT A MINUTE!...
no...i meant i was turn'n bloated and blue cuz my security detail decided to take the scenic route apparently to my lil shithole instead of show'n up at the desired preset time...
without so much as a simple travel mug filled with my fav-o-rit morn'n beverage to calm my rattled nerves...i mean...this was only thee most important colossally shammiest weekend of my entire career...and we still hadda long haul ahead of us before we'd reach our destination
over the river and thru the lyme diseased riddled wooded areas...we finally
made it to our 1st stop along the scenic route...i believe they called this quaint lil slumberland of a miserablesota town TWO HARBORS...but the only 2 things i really wanted at the moment was a bloody and back rub...
though after spott'n a few of the local sallow faced salamanders mill'n about on their daily errands in this tiny town of tick infested toddlers and tea soaked trouble makers...i was thankful we at least found a no wait'n line water'n hole...even if it was scattered with colostomy bags and ben-gay beauty queens...it was a majestic sight i'll remember fer as long as i can
a few hours later we would reach our final destination...LUTSEN, MN
and i fer one wanna thank my friend from the bottom of my disdained heart fer spare'n no expense when it came to my desolate accommodations...cuz i was even able to admire the moonlit skies from my bed...it felt like i was on some sorta top secret reconnaissance mission cuz i was sequestered across the road fer the entire even'n...in my very own private palatial cabin shabby-sheek shitholed horrortel...unable from participate'n in the even's festivities with the rest of the casual wear'n flanneled folks due to the fact that i was to be the surprise guest after all...
at the very least...the bathroom facilities had the latest in derriere delight
settle'n in fer the even'n...i turned on the prehistoric tv to a marathon of
everyone's fav-o-rit 70's junk deal'n duo "Sanford and Sons"
while marinate'n my mug in St Ives cool cucumber bouquet mud mask...in order to look impossibly fresh fer that final walk down the aisle...as recommended by Marie Claire magazine issue #27 from the summer of '97
3 hrs and 6 episodes later...i decided to turn on my cell and see if anyone
could turn me on in this Cher-fersake'n town...within a reasonable distance...turns out...the closest closet queen was 45 minutes away...but we carried on like giddy love stricken scantily clad sorority sisters...until my carpel tunnel kicked in so i thru caution...much like my underoo's...to the wind and gave him my number...
minutes later there was a knock on my window
by morn'n...the big day was now upon me and my nerves started act'n
like they did the day i was audition'n to be the latest solid gold dancer...in my bedroom...fer my black and white fierce feline i named MADONNA...why not!
i'd summoned my inner Cher fer a sec and wished i could turn back time
but i knew i hadda pull it together fer the sake of the throngs of newly acquired...hopefully sensible stalkers...i'd be perform'n for soon...hope'n i wouldn't have to pull out my travel tranquilizer dart gun to use again (you know...just in case one of them strayed from the pack and started insanely froth'n at the mouth towards me like some homeless hooker with tourettes)
hours later...one of my security team members gathered my belongs and
myself and we were off to take a death defy'n elevator ride from hell...to the top of this monstrosity of a mountain...my doppelgagger (and NO that isn't a misspell kittens...we're both meat eaters) had decided would be the perfect location to share her vows...
completely disregard'n my actual terrify'n Fay Wray fear of heights
this would be the 1st time ever in my history that i would be putt'n myself
out there...expose'n my dignity and pull'n myself together in some mechanical tyrannical bubble 500 feet above the ground...with no mirrors or cocktails in wait'n...but i made it work like thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n "professional" illusionist of my own universe that i am
once we had reached the top...the sham...i mean the show...was already
in progress...and as i waited patiently in the wings fer my cue...outta sight from the crowd of casualties await'n my surprise arrival...i felt a slight chill in the air...much like the reception i got from a handful of extended phony family members at the last wedd'n i went way outta my way to attend...but i wore the chill like a blanket of armor...and forged ahead like i was walk'n the plank fer the last time in my lifetime
the 2 love birds followed my cue and made their way together as one
and i fer one...couldn't be more happy fer them
(unless there was a cocktail wait'n fer my reply)
(unless there was a cocktail wait'n fer my reply)
the nite...along with the weekend...went off without a hitch in my giddy up
and we all drank happily ever after!
and there ya have it...this concludes this episode of the "tale of 2 brides"
now GET OFF MY OUR DRESS!
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