STICKY FINGERS pt. 2

it's still 1984 kittens and every ingrown cunt haired soccer mom and all

the house'n project princess's on the planet turned into either WENDY RICHTER or the FABULOUS MOOLAH in turn...turn'n their xmas shopp'n experience after their afternoon stories into a brutal world wrestle'n federational smack down at the first signs of snowflakes dance'n the jitterbug in december just to snatch up the latest MUST HAVE

TERESA ANN doll to put under the tree at christmas time to keep their lil puke buckets from dish'n the dirt to daddy when mothers around the country would take all those late nite after school "special"  drives to meet the principal at the no-tell motel next to the freeway off ramp in the next county over

a young girl from Michigan inadvertently gave herself a gynecological exam on the stage at the very 1st MTV awards show inadvertently cement'n herself as the undeniable QUEEN OF THE DANCEFLOOR

and horror fans everywhere whacked off to then weeped as the latest dreamy heart throbber received open heart surgery in his dreams thanx to some demonic slash'n surgeon...get a ticket to the catch-up train fer pt. 1 here

so said occupant of the west territory was a huge fan of MR. JACKSON

durin' this time period (hey the world practically was to be fair) and had gotten the other MUST HAVE doll as a prezzie that year

even though i was totally denied the MUST HAVE MR. O'DOWD doll fer the same reason (however don't fret my pensive pet....i would FINALLY own the doll fer my very own after 5 bidd'n wars on ebay 20 years later) so suffice it to say that after this injustice and after my Marilyn bible was blatantly pillaged i needed to prepare fer an under cover plan of attack after find'n a few mutilated pages lead'n me west of the wall so i hadda top secret meet'n with the head of my assailant's toybox 

as i feathered her hair and in my head she had spilled some top secret secrets and told me to get in contact with the basement brigade to help me with my full scale attack on all sides and though i had already found a trail of terror of torn page bits lead'n me to the assailants side…

i was runn'n short on time and wouldn't have time to search out the whereabouts of these soldiers fer back-up as i heard my assailant walk'n up the steps so i hadda do a judgement call after find'n a few crumpled scatterin's in the waste basket on the other side

and went totally Thomas Hewitt on the assailant's ass chase'n her outta the room then stumbled across her prized possession the Jackson doll and proceeded to meticulously snap the head and arms off one by one...

then hooked up the spark plugs i found in the back seat of Barbie's hot wheels and short circuited her transmission with MJ's lil silver glove

BUTT hold on to yer judgemental calls... 

well after all the back and forth breakdowns over the next few hours 

my conscious had gotten the better of me and i felt i needed to step up bein' the bigger brother so when the occupant of the west became transfixed on this witch doll i felt i needed to buy it fer her until i realized i was roughly some 70 cents short so as my sibs all left the store fer home i devised a plan b that was much less expensive so i nervously looked left...then right...then left again (thankyou after school cross'n guards fer grill'n that in my head) as i seen no humans walk'n up or down my aisle i quickly snatched this ugly witch doll off the hook and shoved it down my pre shrubbed snatch

utterly unaware that "BIG BROTHER" was eye'n me out from up above!

if i had planned my very first undercover breakout mission just a bit better 

i would'a remembered to fill my fanny pack with my BONNIE BELL limited edition camo war paint so i wouldn't be noticed as easily however i thought there's no turn'n back now since this witch was give'n me an itch in the bowels of my undergarments and proceeded to pep up my step to the store's exit have'n said that just as i thought i was goin to cross the barriers of this beauty and drug store and be home free

my 6th sense had kicked in and felt a presence behind me i hadn't felt since i knocked myself out on the tether ball in 6th grade play'n fag football on the playgrounds of Madison school nonetheless i was committed to right'n my half wrong at this point!

my heart was race'n as if it were in 1st place at the kentucky derby and my

mind was doin laps at the grand prix speed'n an insane million miles a nano second and i kid you not i was bein egged on or serenaded by MRS. BENATAR's "YOU BETTER RUN" over the loud speakers at that very moment as i thought i was in the clear unfortunately just as i was about to cross the outer limits of the store's pharmaceutical force field much to my surprise i would be snatched back by a well manicure claw from behind

i tried with every vain in my tiny frame to reason with this AUGHRA look'n 

anal wart who had bad bottled highlights pulled thru a cap of course as she clutched onto my left shoulder with a strong grip that of a bald eagle after catch'n their afternoon snack from a cool mountain stream as she marched me swiftly off down the candy aisle to the back of the store down the secret florescent lit hallways beyond the employee's only saloon doors and regrettably there would be no negotiate'n at this juncture in the road

tune in next week fer the very laughable conclusion to STICKY FINGERS

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

Fancy a Nancy

picture it kittens...the year was 1966...and the daughter of old blue eyes

was burn'n up the charts and stepp'n on hearts with her international go-go hit "THESE BOOTS ARE MADE FOR WALKING" by NANCY SINATRA

(though my BOY punk'd it up a notch and made a killa remake many moons later you have to admit)

although i considered myself a bit of an under cover sleuth at times...

no one was as good at crack'n the case better than 70's teenage detective Nancy Drew...played by Pamela Sue Martin...on the popular series "THE HARDY BOYS/NANCY DREW MYSTERIES" that ran fer 3 suspiciously cautious years in the late 70's on sunday nites @ 7pm (6pm central)

once the 80's rolled around...the only NANCY i was worried about was...

bein' threatened by a molest'n murderous boogeyman from her dreams thanx to her parents and their bridge club...in the killer thriller "A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET" that she would unfortunately succumb to by the 3rd installment

though the only real NANCY that i listened to durin' the era of big hair...

big shoulder pads and even a bigger deficit at the time...was occupy'n the WH...and grilled into me on a daily basis (thanx to my sweet tooth) when she discretely stamped the inside flaps of my fav-o-rit confectionery delights Mike & Ike's and JuJu Fruits...with her message of "JUST SAY NO!" when it came to narcotics...and you know...to this day...it still sticks

if i wanna get high...i'll add another inch to my heels!

by the time the new century began...everyone was glued to those lustful

"nancies" on showtimes hit series about over the top love and numerous under cover lovers fer 5 tumultuous years

BUTT (of course you know there would be)

no other NANCY on the planet has commanded my heartfelt gratitude 

and the globes admiration along with their attention more than the one and only speaker of the house...NANCY PELOSI...just in time fer christmas...when she recently added the final ingredients to begin bake'n an impeachment pie in honor of the mentally deranged lie'n corrupt sack of bloated cheeto dusted pig shit disgrace'n the planet

it started earlier this year...when she threw shade at the mentally deranged lie'n corrupt sack of bloated cheeto dusted pig shit disgrace'n the planet try'n to sound coherent at the state of the onion address he gave (and no i didn't not spell it wrong...cuz it was a compete tear jerk'n joke when he spoke)

by october...NANCY was at it once again...by fry'n up a back hand sammich to that mentally deranged lie'n corrupt sack of bloated cheeto dusted pig shit disgrace'n the planet and served it to him with her cold steady stare and her poignant pointer as he sat there and made a deposit in his DEPENDS

and though she said it with a heavy heart...just last week as an early xmas prezzie fer the planet...she gave the all go ahead fer the articles of impeachment as laid out in the Constitution...when she stepped down and exited the podium...NANCY ended up ripp'n off the tiny testicles of this egregious ejaculate'n jackass...

and sexually depraved "reporter" that was fired from FOX...James Rosen... who so desperately wanted to be the elephant in the room...got his balls shoved down his seething throat when he tried to twist NANCY's reason'n to begin impeachment proceed'ns by ask'n if she hates the president...to which she returned to the podium...

 fer that audacious odium...with her biggest bitch slap "DON'T MESS WITH ME"

all i gotta say is...much like you don't fuck with a bull or you'll get the horns...the same rules apply to with NANCY (and me fer that matter)

so GET OFF MY DRESS!

somebody's watch'n me

one of my fav-o-rit holidazzle celebrations is right around the corner...

ahhh...i remember it as if it were 15,010 days ago...(fer you slow pokers...that would've made me 7) runn'n around in those oh so comfortable body bags...with that oh so vibrantly toxic painted facial mask that was molded from some quasimoto's face...which made you feel like you were gasp'n fer yer last breath...at 6 feet underground...from the good ol' yester years...with my siblings in gilmore valley...

know'n i wouldn't become a crispy critter…with it's flame retarded fabric
(which might explain alot about the "condition" i've become)

unlike those other store brought brands

whore'n ourselves out like cheap confectionery hussies...to neighbors we absolutely knew nothing about...well...except the milkman that came twice a week to some homes in the hood...stock pile'n our buckets with masses of sugary destruction to put ourselves in a glucose coma fer months...and to keep the dentists tap dance'n all the way to Taiwan

i've concocted a merried of looks since then…in fact…in 1986…my grama made my very first h-weenie outfit to fit my curvaceous curves durin' my...

oh so tenderly unsweetened 16th year...as Elvira Mistress of the Dark...with her front window curtains made of brown polyester (insert awww here) as i had pillaged the town of all it's aluminum cans to purchase my very 1st hair hopper...the follow’n year i made my very first costume from scratch...as Lily Munster and then my 1st nite out in the Minnie-Apple in '91 goin as Wednesday Addams...unfortunately...

we got smacked with 31 inches (and not the good kind...wait?...even that wouldn't be considered worth it...to most whores) so i was stuck as Wednesday til monday the follow'n week at a friend's apt

it would be years of unintentional therapy before i would doll up again...

but when i did...i figered i'd go as Ziggy Stardust...forced into enter'n the h-weenie contest at the local non heterosexual water'n hole that year...i lost out to some twink in diapers and top hat dressed as baby fuck'n new year…i was robbed i tell ya...by the new millennium...i did the Boy George look as Leigh Bowery....and won a free cocktail…big whoop...but a couple years after that i decided on Boy George from the 80’s...and redeemed myself by winn'n 200 benjamins…i felt vindicated fer all my hard work at last

the year i decided to go out as lil red ride'n hooker...

with my 70 year old aunt as Hilary Clinton in a vampire cape...why not?...at a VFW in Burnsville, MN...proved to be very interest'n when i popped into the lil boys room to powder my nose...while 4 slack jawed yokels were empty'n their hoses to the porcelain gods hang'n before them...i might have been their trick...but trust me...they were no treat

in the meantime kittens…here's thee official unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe's top 13 list to the hottest freakfest flix to watch in the dark this hallowed eve season

13. BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN

now i know what yer think'n kittens..how does a beautifully shot masterpiece about 2 hot as fuck cowboys...patty cake'n on the mountain tops under the the moonlit Wyoming skies...constitute as a horror flick...well...it's not so much horror where these 2 corn holers are concerned...the real horror is...

ANNE HATHAWAY's HAIR!!!

with all the money spent on shoot'n this cowpoke classic...ya think the wardrobe department could'a stopped down at the local drag bar in town and borrowed a couple of decent mops...instead of save'n a few benjamins and shopp'n in back issues of the crossword puzzles magazine

from the Eva Gabor wig collection

ok...i just threw that in there to see if you were pay'n attention kittens...now get that cock-a-doodle-do or cock-a-doodle don't outta yer mouth...and let's get to the hottest freakfest flix that'll make you jump from things that'll go BUMP in yer nitey!

12. FRANKENSTEIN

can't go wrong with a classic can ya?...and fer a monster...all tall and thick and barely able put 2 words together...now that's hot!

besides...what self respect’n freak out there hasn't wanted to toss some rich bitch into the lake...listen up has-been cheerleaders/sorority sluts REALLY DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES of whatever county!

11. SCREAM

plenty of hotties to be had in this flick...but pay close attention especially to Skeet Ulrich

even if he is...like the shopko version of Johnny Depp

apparently that rich bitch knew how to swim outta the lake years ago...

but they made damn sure she didn't make it past the first 10 minutes in this grizzly horror classic

10. PUMPKINHEAD

a fairly unknown late 80's flick...but has all the freak elements you'll need...starr'n Lance Henriksen…and even though he has those wickedly cool green eyes...

he just creeps the H-E-double hockey stix outta me all together...and that's kinda hot!

9. FRIDAY THE 13TH

this gore fest was totally reminiscent and quite frankly...a complete rip-off of "the lost counselor" story that was told to me and my siblings when we used to attend YMCA camp over nites by the camp fire...but the main reason fer watch'n...

the 7 degrees of separation i felt when i 1st seen the hotness formerly known as Kevin Bacon when i was only the tender and supple age of 12...shirtless and unfortunately helpless...my very 1st man crush...gone before the credits could roll...oh what a wicked lil world

8. NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET

one of the best teen slasher gashers from the 80's...that was predictably entertain'n...and the only time ever in the history of horror...you actually prayed to yer teen beat bible that the hottie in this flick would survive Krueger's carnage

alas...in his 1st ever appearance on the big screen...JOHNNY FUCK'N HOT AS FUCK DEPP did not...but take comfort in know'n though...this new comer...would come back again and again and again in future flix

(ps...this is one flick that never should've been retouched...the remake sucks total A double snakes...trust me...all the horror camp was replaced with crap)

7. WOLF CREEK

a fairly recent horror gem from the Australian outback...based on "true" events...which basically means they made half of the shit up to sell tickets...about 3 awesome Aussie's head'n out fer a hike at the national park...and come face to face with an unsuspect'n menace'n face...sing'n kumbaya's around a camp fire...til all hell breaks loose come sunrise...but the real reason to watch...

hotter than any vegemite spread...Nathan Phillips...thankfully a dingo didn't eat this mother's baby...with his incredibly edibly thick aussie...ummm...accent...he'll make any horror fluffer go "down under"...and thank the almighty CHER (*spoiler alert*) the other 2 maxi padders he's travel'n with...sacrifice themselves...unintentionally of course...so this hot as dingo dung doesn't have to

6. AMITYVILLE HORROR...the remake

though the original was frighten'n fer it's time...this redo is a total nail biter...sitt'n-on-the-edge-of-yer-seat sorta horror...the 1st time around featured 70's hottie James Brolin...but i'm sorry Mr. Streisand...yer psychotic behavior belongs in a candy store... 

compared to the psychotic menace of one ax-wield'n homocidal maniac Ryan Reynolds…H-E-L-L-O!

5. KILLER CLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE

well any horror flick with a klown in it...you know it's gonna be freaky...and that's good...though some out there still freak out about clowns all together...ummm all i gotta say is...if yer over the age of 30 and this still is an issue...go see a fuck'n therapist and take a valium like a normal person...the soundtrack and actors in this B classic are cheesier than a bowl of kraft macaroni…but it stars 80's B movie hunk-o-rama Grant Cramer...

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrravey on my mashed potatoes!

and when you got clowns that'll kill ya with cotton candy and popcorn...

eat'n insulation and styrofoam pellets just ain't the same ever again

4. WRONG TURN

nothing is freakier than being chased by a bunch of inbreeds with attitude...but more importantly it stars pre-Dexter hottie Desmond Harrington...

you can rescue me Desmond...a-n-y-t-i-m-e you want…i swear

3. THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE...the remake

ok...i know what yer think'n...a remake already made my list...but kitten...this redo makes the original look like a ride thru redo-me-ville (thanx Rob Zombie fer the nightmares) trust me...you will feel the pain...plus the original never had the delectably scrumptious Eric Balfour (yes pleez!)

though sadly he will NOT return in the sequel…oops…sorry kittens

2. ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW

what h-weenie night would be complete...without a-n-t-i-c-i-p-a-t-i-o-n!

plus...Peter Hinwood...meeeeeeeeeeeeeouch!

who else can look hotter in gold lame shorts i ask you?

1. ELVIRA MISTRESS OF THE DARK

this is my all time fav-o-rit spooktacularexpialidocious h-weenie flick 

besides bein' packed full of one-liners like "what's that perfume yer wear'n...catch of the day?"...it's also packed with the extra firm pillowed pecs of 80's beefcake Daniel Greene...

though Elvira does deserve an honorable mention fer bein' the girl who put the boob...back into boob tube

speak'n of the Mistress...i met her with my good friend Peetrinella...

and her friends back in '94 at a trailer sign'n in Anoka,MN of all places...dressed as Alex and after a drunken hayride…i made my way back to her trailer…only to be greeted by some sizzle'n muscled black african american non caucasian male with possible ancestral descendants from the land of the Sahara...bodyguard who said Elvira only wanted to talk to ME…yes ME!!

she loved my look compared to the other slack jaws in line drool’n over...

her chest like starve’n mongolian baboons...and said she was in the process of film'n a new movie and had thought of a great title to call it "THE MISTRESS AND THE MATTRESS"…all i had to do was send her a professional 8x10 of me...though nothing was guaranteed 

it took me 2 years after meet'n to get professional shots take'n…but...

unfortunately by then...the movie was probably already cast...as i had not heard a word from hollyweird...without me..called
 ELVIRA'S HAUNTED HILLS

and YES to this day...i kick myself

but if yer ready fer round 2 Miss Elvira...i have a script idea ready and wait'n fer yer approval...you know where to find me

so...in the immortal words from the enchant'n Mistress of the dark...

"unpleasant dreams"

now get off my dress!