century...why not! the land scattered with fair maidens...bumble'n sheriffs and a sly witty foxy acherist with his band of merry men who could shoot an arrow thru the air with the greatest of ease make'n them glide like the precision of the russian ballet...steal'n from the rich basturds and give'n to the poor
now let's hop in our delorean and fast forward to 3 centuries later
where corruption and chaos ensued across a centralized area of the US...
thanx in part to thee most famous duo...and i ain't talk'n about Orelean & Jarvis Hufflenagel and his terrify'n tambourine act...
no...i speakith of one Bonnie and Clyde the bank robb'n bandits...who terrified the country in the 1930's...steal'n from the banks and basically not give'n back to the those suffer'n from the great depression...which seriously i'da give'n em a pass if they had cuz banks are FDIC insured anyways fer that sorta shit anyways!
and of course who couldn't ferget about Breathless Mahoney dance'n fer her dolla's under the clutches of Big Boy Caprice and his band of misfits in the early 90's
i myself also got caught up in the romance of the wild wild midwest...
back in summer of 1985 to be perfectly honest...simply outta sheer boredom one nite of course cuz SIMPLE MINDS damn video fer "DON'T YOU FORGET ABOUT ME" was still the #1 video fer the 4th straight week on Mtv's top 20 video countdown in may of that year which i was like completely over it 3 weeks earlier...as you could imagine
totally hogg'n the spotlight from M's teenage crush ballad "CRAZY FOR YOU"
although it did knock out that annoy'n as fucklestix charity whiner "WE ARE THE WORLD" even if the song was fer a good cause...plus i just felt like LaToya was lyp-sync'n the entire damn time to be perfectly honest
BUTT...let’s F-O-C-U-S....
so my friend...we'll call him fer the purposes of anonymity...hmmmm...
gimme one sec...oh i know...how about X-a-v-i-e-r (even though he was far from bein' some sorta exotic brazillian adult entertainer)
he looked more like some pill popp'n alcoholic housewife with insomnia issues...in acid wash jeans (hey it was 1985...don't be a judgmental judy) so he calls me up frantically one even'n in the summer of '85 and proceeds to tell me to high tale my plump monkey ass out to his place...like pronto!
feel'n the urgency in his voice...i scurried up the steps to my bathroom
and reapplied my bonnie bell uncola (but totally cool) lip smacker...due to the fact that my lips were dry as the Sahara desert that particular even'n cuz of the barometric pressure in the air or lack there of (i 'm just sett'n a backdrop to the story kittens) winged my eyes with my jet black wet n wild eyeliner once again...rebuilt my bug shield with extra super hold aqua-net...
and hopp'd on my schwinn mobile (anise red) and flew off like a hornet in heat to his home in Homer which was a leisurely 20 minute ride (though i knew he wanted me there yesterday) so i hadda pump up my cardio this particular even'n and fly thru the bike paths around lake Winona
like a bat outta Meatloaf hell...
which anyone grow'n up in the 80's on a hot humid nite knows NEVER to bike around the lakes of Winona...unless you wanna be viciously attacked by an army of those fuck'n fish flies
once i reached the other end of the lakes my entire bonnie bell uncola smacked lips were no longer cool but more like a sticky land'n strip and my aqua-netted bug shield looked more like some Pablo Pissed-off-Caso masterpiece with suicidal fish flies...each harpooned into my sharp split ends and needless to say i was no longer happy nor hungry fer this adventure in the middle of the nite any longer
by the time i had reached my final destination i noticed a vend'n truck in Rick's i mean Xavier's driveway...his mother "Matilda" rented the upstairs of her house (the same place i would eventually rent years later) to a guy who worked fer the local vend'n machine company and apparently came home one even'n a bit inebriated and fergot to check if the doors
of his vehicle were locked....so Xavier (always bein' a bit of a snoopy snoop that he was) found out the renter fergot to lock the back doors and when we popped em open it was as if we'd opened the pearly gates of some confectionery heaven...
it was like a diabetics dream house inside!
though my taste buds were more in tune with the dolly madison delights...
what normal 15 year old is gonna pass up the opportunity to have a school years worth of bribery fer the classroom fucktard to leave you alone
as me...Xavier and his nephew and my bff at the time...that we'll just refer
to him as Big Lipps Magee from here on out...flung open the massive twinkie embossed doors with all our might and jumped up inside the unlit truck...in the still of that dark humid july nite...
i barely made it 2 feet inside before stubb'n my fake doc marten combat boot and flopp'n over on a heavy object that projectiled me to the front of the van...so Xavier jumped out quick to grab a flashlight from Big Lipps Magee ma's gold lame colored shit mobile that we planned on use'n as our get-a-way car to see what was block'n our stash of sugary satisfactions fer years to come
we found somethin' so much more deliciously distract'n than what we had anticipated or ever expected to our surprise...
once Xavier had assessed the situation with his roam'n flashlight...
tune in next week fer the excruciate'n conclusion to CONFECTIONARY CHAOS
now GET OFF MY DRESS!
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