to come creep'n up to yer the front door soon...incessantly ring'n yer damn door bell like a lil bitty devil with a lil bit of the "downs" interrupt'n yer MATCH GAME '78 reruns you've tivo'd fer the past 3 years to study BRETT SOMERS roller set blow-outs as you hang onto yer metamucil martini fer dear life while nibble'n on a plate full of nilla wafers and regret...as they desperately try to scare the holy fuck'n shit outta ya when you open the front door just fer a handful of those chemically enhanced goodies to rot their already unflossed choppers...
which in actuality is just gonna put their parents in the poorhouse try'na fix em before senior pix not to mention pay'n fer all the damage from the lil fuckers toss'n raw rotted eggs at yer rusty red cabriolet and since the pandemic is still amongst the live'n...i say just turn the damn porch lite off and let the lil asswipes stew in their self imposed pronouns and bitterness
instead why not just treat yerself right and keep that bowl full of expired
werther's originals to munch on this year and enjoy a marathon of madness while you meticulously shave the candy corns off yer arthritic hooves then soak'n 'em in a bucket of epsom salts and disdain fer the days ahead
first up to help get yer bitter bones a rattle'n is everyone's fav-o-rit 80's
possessed and stressed killer doll from hell via the "CHILD'S PLAY" franchise which spawned a stagger'n 8 nightmares of nonsense
with the latest incarnation spawn'n into a television show "CHUCKY" originally aired on SYFY and USA networks in 2021 but now has found a whole new audience to slay on the Peacock network...the series picks up 4 years later after the last movie installment in the town of Hackensack NJ
the series centers around some 14 year old named Jake Wheeler who
picks ups the good guy doll at some yard sale to use in his art project however the soul of Charles Lee Ray trapped in the demonic doll has other plans...cause'n murder and mayhem thru-out the tiny town...sold as a teenrager come'n of age series...the show tackle's modern day issues such as bully'n...sex...violence and of course a new M-U-R-D-E-R in every episode...which i have to give it a palpable 7 steak knives outta 10 fer consistency…season 2 begins oct. 5th back on SYFY
next up is about the unheavenly hemophiliac that stalks the midnite skies
in search fer a late nite snack before sun-up which has been told and resold about as much as an STD antibiotic at the free clinic...though we just can't seem to get enough of him
there's been over 60+ retell'ns of the famous midnite flapper ever since
BRAM STOKER wrote the tale of the blood sucker in 1897...my fav-o-rit's of course bein' DRACULA...DRACULA...oh yea and DRACULA
BUTT wait...
just when you thought all hope was lost fer a new penned version of the
nite stalker...the genius writers across the pond at the orifices of the BBC spent endless hours sipp'n on bottomless cups of earl grey and nibble'n on garlic biscuits rack'n their noggin's to come up with a brilliant new font to tell the blood bath with...you guessed it "DRACULA" however this 3 part series was a fresh take on the stake to the heart tale and well worth take'n a bite out of just cuz of the british accents alone...so if yer a netflix subscriber or able to hack it from yer neighbors account...check it out kittens...i give this flick 3 fangs outta a 4 course meal
this next 10 part serial killer series has a deeper connection to me since i
actually moved to the city just 2 weeks prior on a whim before the authorities arrested JEFFREY as one of the most horrific...prolific...and sadistic serial killers in 1991
and though there have been a merried of docs dissect'n and retell'ns of his dasturdly deeds...the new twist on this netflix series starr'n hot to trot AMERICAN HORROR STORIES alumni EVAN PETERS in "MONSTER: THE JEFFREY DAHMER STORY" is the best i've seen to date only cuz this focus's more on the victims than just on DAHMER himself...with just a few embellishments to trap yer interest fer the next episode…hopefully next year we'll see EVAN give'n his acceptance speech at some washed out slap free awards shindig...i give this DAHMER drama 9 1/2 hammer whacks to the head outta 10
this last suggestion is not so much deal'n with hackers or whackers or
even neck snackers (well not much anyways) nonetheless it's still just as scary as shit (lemme back it up a bit) runn'n only fer 2 beautifully bizarre seasons (though technically in today's market would've been considered 6 seasons since combined they had 70 episodes made) it still plays in syndication on tv ever since it first aired in 1964...the first family of fright reside'n at 1313 Mockingbird Lane was a must-see staple fer me ever since i was a mini pre unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe and has continued every october ever since my dearly departed aunt bought me the series on dvd 20 years ago fer xmas
i was even lucky enough to meet GRAMPA...MARILYN...and EDDIE MUNSTER with my X in Anoka, MN back in 2002
like the above series...there have many horrible attempts over the years
to recreate the silly antics and slapstickness of the original cast just to try and strike tv gold once again with another resurrection...unfortunately the only series that got the green light to last a painfully miserable 3 seasons was "THE MUNSTERS TODAY" in '87 (trust me...watch'n muenster cheese melt behind my radiator would've been more entertain'n)
now listen i've been an enormous fan of ROB ZOMBIE's freakfest of films
this trilogy was like the STAR WARS of horror fer the simple fact that they all were cohesively crazy as fuck and fit into each other like a jigsaw puzzle from hell...H-O-W-E-V-E-R...
when i heard ROB planned on doin a remake of the original series into film 2 years ago...i was apprehensive at first until i seen the stills a year later followed by the official trailer a few months back...and then the premiere happened last week on netflix...
this is thee worst pile of day-glo crap i've seen since i accidentally ate that bag full of muenster cheese which expired 3 years ago that i found hidden underneath my radiator last week...i hadda slam down an enema martini with a few enema edibles just to get thru the first 15 minutes!
yes i know this was a huge departure from MR ZOMBIE's repertoire
and perhaps he was look'n fer somethin' a lil more family friendly instead of slice'n and dice'n his cast up which is fine I GUESS (he did say it "was not" his decision to make it color but Universal's just in case it tanked) however...the plot in itself gave me gastro intestinal problems...the only people that could really appreciate this horror shit show are people under the age of 5 and HELEN KELLER if she were still alive...cuz she wouldn't have to see it nor hear it!
now GET OFF MY DRESS!
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