JUST KILLING TIME

well it's that time of the season fer all the lil ghosts and all the lil goblins 

to come creep'n up to yer the front door soon...incessantly ring'n yer damn door bell like a lil bitty devil with a lil bit of the "downs" interrupt'n yer MATCH GAME '78 reruns you've tivo'd fer the past 3 years to study BRETT SOMERS roller set blow-outs as you hang onto yer metamucil martini fer dear life while nibble'n on a plate full of nilla wafers and regret...as they desperately try to scare the holy fuck'n shit outta ya when you open the front door just fer a handful of those chemically enhanced goodies to rot their already unflossed choppers...

which in actuality is just gonna put their parents in the poorhouse try'na fix em before senior pix not to mention pay'n fer all the damage from the lil fuckers toss'n raw rotted eggs at yer rusty red cabriolet and since the pandemic is still amongst the live'n...i say just turn the damn porch lite off and let the lil asswipes stew in their self imposed pronouns and bitterness

instead why not just treat yerself right and keep that bowl full of expired   

werther's originals to munch on this year and enjoy a marathon of madness while you meticulously shave the candy corns off yer arthritic hooves then soak'n 'em in a bucket of epsom salts and disdain fer the days ahead

first up to help get yer bitter bones a rattle'n is everyone's fav-o-rit 80's 

possessed and stressed killer doll from hell via the "CHILD'S PLAY" franchise which spawned a stagger'n 8 nightmares of nonsense

with the latest incarnation spawn'n into a television show "CHUCKY" originally aired on SYFY and USA networks in 2021 but now has found a whole new audience to slay on the Peacock network...the series picks up 4 years later after the last movie installment in the town of Hackensack NJ

the series centers around some 14 year old named Jake Wheeler who  

picks ups the good guy doll at some yard sale to use in his art project however the soul of Charles Lee Ray trapped in the demonic doll has other plans...cause'n murder and mayhem thru-out the tiny town...sold as a teenrager come'n of age series...the show tackle's modern day issues such as bully'n...sex...violence and of course a new M-U-R-D-E-R in every episode...which i have to give it a palpable 7 steak knives outta 10 fer consistency…season 2 begins oct. 5th back on SYFY

next up is about the unheavenly hemophiliac that stalks the midnite skies 

in search fer a late nite snack before sun-up which has been told and resold about as much as an STD antibiotic at the free clinic...though we just can't seem to get enough of him

there's been over 60+ retell'ns of the famous midnite flapper ever since 

 BRAM STOKER wrote the tale of the blood sucker in 1897...my fav-o-rit's of course bein' DRACULA...DRACULA...oh yea and DRACULA

BUTT wait...

just when you thought all hope was lost fer a new penned version of the 

nite stalker...the genius writers across the pond at the orifices of the BBC spent endless hours sipp'n on bottomless cups of earl grey and nibble'n on garlic biscuits rack'n their noggin's to come up with a brilliant new font to tell the blood bath with...you guessed it "DRACULA" however this 3 part series was a fresh take on the stake to the heart tale and well worth take'n a bite out of just cuz of the british accents alone...so if yer a netflix subscriber or able to hack it from yer neighbors account...check it out kittens...i give this flick 3 fangs outta a 4 course meal

this next 10 part serial killer series has a deeper connection to me since i 

actually moved to the city just 2 weeks prior on a whim before the authorities arrested JEFFREY as one of the most horrific...prolific...and sadistic serial killers in 1991

and though there have been a merried of docs dissect'n and retell'ns of his dasturdly deeds...the new twist on this netflix series starr'n hot to trot AMERICAN HORROR STORIES alumni EVAN PETERS in "MONSTER: THE JEFFREY DAHMER STORY" is the best i've seen to date only cuz this focus's more on the victims than just on DAHMER himself...with just a few embellishments to trap yer interest fer the next episode…hopefully next year we'll see EVAN give'n his acceptance speech at some washed out slap free awards shindig...i give this DAHMER drama 9 1/2 hammer whacks to the head outta 10

this last suggestion is not so much deal'n with hackers or whackers or 

even neck snackers (well not much anyways) nonetheless it's still just as scary as shit (lemme back it up a bit) runn'n only fer 2 beautifully bizarre seasons (though technically in today's market would've been considered 6 seasons since combined they had 70 episodes made) it still plays in syndication on tv ever since it first aired in 1964...the first family of fright reside'n at 1313 Mockingbird Lane was a must-see staple fer me ever since i was a mini pre unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe and has continued every october ever since my dearly departed aunt bought me the series on dvd 20 years ago fer xmas

which spawned 3 creepy and highly corny movies

i was even lucky enough to meet GRAMPA...MARILYN...and EDDIE MUNSTER with my X in Anoka, MN back in 2002

like the above series...there have many horrible attempts over the years 

to recreate the silly antics and slapstickness of the original cast just to try and strike tv gold once again with another resurrection...unfortunately the only series that got the green light to last a painfully miserable 3 seasons was "THE MUNSTERS TODAY" in '87 (trust me...watch'n muenster cheese melt behind my radiator would've been more entertain'n)

now listen i've been an enormous fan of ROB ZOMBIE's freakfest of films

this trilogy was like the STAR WARS of horror fer the simple fact that they all were cohesively crazy as fuck and fit into each other like a jigsaw puzzle from hell...H-O-W-E-V-E-R...

when i heard ROB planned on doin a remake of the original series into film 2 years ago...i was apprehensive at first until i seen the stills a year later followed by the official trailer a few months back...and then the premiere happened last week on netflix...

this is thee worst pile of day-glo crap i've seen since i accidentally ate that bag full of muenster cheese which expired 3 years ago that i found hidden underneath my radiator last week...i hadda slam down an enema martini with a few enema edibles just to get thru the first 15 minutes!

yes i know this was a huge departure from MR ZOMBIE's repertoire 

and perhaps he was look'n fer somethin' a lil more family friendly instead of slice'n and dice'n his cast up which is fine I GUESS (he did say it "was not" his decision to make it color but Universal's just in case it tanked) however...the plot in itself gave me gastro intestinal problems...the only people that could really appreciate this horror shit show are people under the age of 5 and HELEN KELLER if she were still alive...cuz she wouldn't have to see it nor hear it!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

KISS MY SCRIPTS!

if you were me...and luckily fer me...yer not (THANK CHER!)

we all remember the many trials...tribulations and tawdry nites that one sassy brassy bee-hived beauty and 5 time VFW jitterbug champion Miss Florence Jean Castleberry (who was my all time fav i just hafta say) had endured as a glamorous food delivery technician...along with her cohorts

Alice...Vera...Belle and Jolene...while work'n at that greasy spoon Mel's Diner in Phoenix, Arizona...from the mid 70's to the mid 80's on the hit tv series "Alice"

which was based on the Scorsese dramedy flick from 1974 (that no one under the age of 50 even remembers...sorry Martin) based on a widowed woman and her preteen pimple parade trudge'n across country to restart her dimly lit spotlight career that she gave up years earlier and ended up sling'n hash browns and ho downs

then of course there was thee all time classic cosmic cult film...

"THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW" (that was born from the stage production) in the mid 70's that has held it's title as thee most brilliantly cast...science fiction...double feature...EVER made in the history of cult musicals

that is until 40 some years later...when it got mercilessly slaughter like Jeffery Dahmers dates...by a bunch of PC pricks that turned out this atrociously nauseate'n piece of eye sore'n patheticness fer the modern tv viewer and don't even get me started on the blood curdle'n...chalk board scratch'n...kill'n the neighbors cat "music" seriously...i just can't with this pile of cat vomit!

if you were a gen X'er outcast...(like me) you were root'n fer Veronica & JD

an outsider and an honor student...to make their fascination last ferever...(or at least until the end of the trilogy...that thankfully never happened) everyone was strung out with line after line from the movie...much like a hooker is to heroin...dare'n to ask the question "fuck me gently with a chainsaw...do i look like mother theresa?" to "did you have a brain tumor for breakfast? from the cult classroom classic "HEATHERS" (which also had a decent stage production run fer 4 some years)

the new generation of whatever letter they were at the time...got the equivalent of spam on rye with "MEAN GIRLS"...which was a d-e-c-e-n-t tribute to it's predecessor i can admit (which of course hadda be milked to death...so it to followed suit to the stage...that premiered last year) FINE!...i can let this one slide since the title wasn't reused...like Pam Anderson's STD's (oh come on...don't even try to come at me with yer claws kittens...i read ALL about it in the STAR!)

then there was that time i was make'n my sacrificial meatloaf offer'n to the 

 porcelain god when i came across a trailer fer the beyond vomitous remake of my teen age angst years bein' basturdized into a tv spin-off by just change'n the actors...and PC'n them up...i totally wouldn'ta had have a prob with this concept if they'da just CHANGED THE FUCK'N TITLE and the characters names and pretty much all the ripped off dialogue from the original!

most gen X'ers would agree a more befitt'n title would'a been call'n it "WTF?" instead or how about "OPEN YER MOUTH & LET US TAKE A STEAMY PILE OF ELEPHANT POO DOWN YER THROAT!"

here me out...YES i was glad at the very least to hear HEATHER DUKE was part of this failed concept from the start after all that BS she went thru gett'n booted from that famous zip code years ago then goin thru issues with her dirty pillows and all that the past few couple of year which i predicted 3 years ago would never last past the 1st season and i was thankfully right

now i whole hardheartedly absolutely adored the blood curdlin' remake 

and prequel of the texas chainsaw massacre's by heavy metal heart throbber ROB ZOMBIE and pretty much everything he's ever done...well except...

hey i totally understand...the mortgage was due plus his wifey looked like she was on dramamine after they let a cosmetology drop-out do her hair and make-up fer his tutorial example

BUTT can you believe it...

after putt'n on my Angela Lansbury cap and doin a lil investigate’n...i found out he now plans to redo one of  thee most beloved classic spookilicious slap-stick iconic television series of all time...the original family of fright...

"THE MUNSTERS" into a movie!

cuz what? sadomasochism makes fer great tv?

i DO NOT care that he's plann'n on make'n it into a movie this time around

I DON'T...cuz seriously...ROB BABY...leave it the fiddlers fuck A-L-O-N-E! i’m only think’n of you and how yer gonna completely decimate yer stand'n as the most revered psychologically fucked-in-the-head father of fantastical fright fer this generation...HERMAN LILY GRAMPA EDDIE and both MARILYN's ARE ICONS ironically and CANNOT BE REPLACED (this is not up fer discussion) i even had the pleasure to met GRAMPA EDDIE and the 2nd MARILYN 20 years ago on a halloween hayride in Anoka, MN and all 3 still held onto their characters whimsical charm so hear my desperate plea PLEEEEEEZ and put down yer pen on this project pronto!

ain’t it bad enough that u already ruined my fav-o-rit holiday with these cringe worthy retell’ns?

YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!

didn't they learn anything when the CW tried to desperately milk from...

the gigantic tit machine of NEW YORK...with that colostomy bag prequel after they jumped from the smash tv series to the big screen back to small screen

that ended in a catastrophic cancellation by season 2...first off...CARRIE would'a never had the bank account to wear anything off the runways of fashion week in New York during the 80's cuz she was too busy work'n at Benetton durin' the week after school just fer the discount on all the latest swatch watches and was also a part time cashier at the Orange Julius on the weekends...she would'a been an awkward teen walk'n down the aisles of Woolworths fer the latest Star Hits and Teen Beat magazines...worry'n about bad calories bad skin and bad boy crushes...

and she did that ALREADY...IN THE 80's!

can these lazy ass hollyweird "writers" (and i use that term as loose as i used my x's prolapsed A double snakes years ago) not think of A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G original anymore? i mean really "sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want, and just see what happens" (and that IS NOT a direct quote...but don't quote me on that)

i only got ONE thing to say to all these catastrophic cankersourus retell’ns

now GET OFF MY DRESS!