of the tv screen's hottest homo erectus prison series "OZ" CHRIS KELLER who was portrayed by none other than hot-as-fuck actor daddy CHRISTOPHER MELONI appeared in 5 outta the 6 sinsationally sexualized seasons that had every throat plunge'n tulip sniffer from Green Bay to Guam cumm'n in their culottes desperately try'na get sent to the clink by perform'n the pettiest of crimes just fer a chance to be a soap on a rope fer their very own personal Keller adjacent cock-a-doodle-do-me...
which totally gave me a completely false interpretation of life behind bars by 2004 when it was my turn (i might add)
while over on the silver screen...the teenrager thriller starr'n hot-to-trot
beddably edibley dirty bird blonde bad ass RYAN PHILLIPPE was heat'n up the box office with a serial killer on the loose wear'n some tacky trench coat in "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER" (where most of the prepubescent "friends of BRITNEY" the follow'n summer were make'n tube sauce in their tube socks by freeze frame'n RYAN's shower scene in hopes of a glimpse at his throttle'n throat plunger they may have missed in the theater when they received a dvd copy at christmas)
a beautifully doe-eyed but whiney aussie songbird and massengill model
who began her career on the popular aussie soap opera "NEIGHBORS" until she hit #1 on the UK charts with her debut break-up single "TORN" released in novem and sung by that hoodie hottie NATALIE IMBRUGLIA which was actually a cover that was written...recorded and released by alternative rock band outta L.A. EDNASWAP in march of the same year…however…it went nowhere except to their granny Aiken's hope chest (in hopes they could afford a double D chest fer her someday)
and i was leave'n a cesspool of piranha's at a popular downtown homo
non AA water'n hole after gett'n a lil tuned up with an a-hole co-pilot i was chummy with at the time on our way to an even bigger water'n hole with a much bigger cess pole of piranha's...i could barely stand alone let alone stand him at the moment however i was not gonna throw my crutch away or i'da most likely been a puddle on the pavement that hot summer nite
as we made it 2 blocks without topple'n over each other i noticed a gaggle
of blurry figurines (3 to be almost exact...though the state i was in at the moment it could'a been the tabernacle choir fer all i know) anywho'zill'ding...as they began move'n closer to us...i had a momentary lapse of my surround'ns and once we made it to the bus stop on the next block the dickslinger wait'n fer a cab asked me politely if i was gonna pick up my hat up off the sidewalk...
to which i replied "erm iz on mah head mista maaaan" (a slight pause then i continued with my come hither inebriated eyes) "hey thar sasquatch...fergit dah caaab...i'll give you dah ride of yer life" clearly annoyed...he shot back with "NO dude...it fell off when that guy punched you in the face!"
WAIT!!...WHAAA??
apparently the guy wait'n fer the cab filled me in when i regained my very
altered cognitive senses one by one and informed me that when me and my AA-hole were approached fer a spare cancer stick that my co-drunk was most likely puff'n on...i guess i had decided to chime in and incoherently murmured "i can find somethin' dirtier than an ass of a cigarette to stick in my mouth" to which one of them did not appreciate my forwardness (i guess) and cold cocked my right eye (and yes i mean without his throat plunger kittens) as my muscle bound co-pilot decided to skip to his lou instead of engage'n in fend'n them off my tender slender inebriated frame
nonetheless...i apparently had enough spirits swimm'n around inside my veins that i did not budge an inch so they high tailed it off like a bunch of scared mormons completely unaware that they had accidentally booked an air B&B durin' FOLSOM STREET FAIR DAYS in San Fran
by morn'n i was feel'n like hammered shit look'n like FARRAH FAWCETT
on the set of that (oh shoot...what's the name of that uplift'n family friendly drama again?) oh duh...that's right "THE BURNING BED" with a shiner on my left eye as puffy and purple as an enormous eggplant and swore at that moment on that i would never be outnumbered by hooligans or let anyone lay another hand on me ever again (without consent of course) so i hired me a trainer and started a weekly work out regime...
that would transform me from a tulip sniff'n twinkle toes to a manwich meal on a mission!
BUTT...eventually
over 25 years later the abuse would rear it's ugly head once again...in all
places HUGO, MN at my neice's wedd'n just a few weeks back...i assumed i was there fer a glorious event like everyone else after i had spent many unplanned hours sett'n up the practically 10,000 twinkle lights (or at least it seemed like it anyways) and all seemed to be goin like clockwork with the attendee's have'n a merry ol' time...gett'n tuned up while i tuned out the negativity that seemed to follow me all around that even'n
by the time the clock struck midnite i had decided it was time fer me to
pack up my puss and bow out once my buzz had wore off and as i headed back to my car to head home fer the even'n with the windows down to soak up the cool nite breeze...my 6th sense was suddenly tell'n me that i possibly was bein followed fer some strange and unknown reason
roughly 10 miles into my journey i had to pull over to get the coordinates
recalibrated to my destination since my GPS decided to fuck with me after gett'n outta range apparently...when all of a sudden i noticed a blind'n light in my read view mirror (i was have'n some sorta KAREN SILKWOOD moment i swear to CHER!) and after they had passed i opened the door to water the fallen foliage beneath my yellow docs when all of a sudden BAM! outta no where i was jumped from behind by these fuck'n punks that were hide'n in the woods
i put up a good fight fer a minute however i was eventually outnumbered
so i quickly hopped back in my car and sped the fuck outta there as fast as i could in the pale moonlight...swerve'n in and outta the curves and corners thru miles of traffic before they had a chance to catch up to me...
while PATRICIA MAE ANDRZEJEWSKI's 4.5 octave range on "YOU BETTER RUN" was blow'n out my annoyingly cheap factory speakers
once i pulled into my niece's driveway...i took a breather behind the wheel
fer a minute and collected my thoughts (after respond'n to a couple horny toads online that had messaged me in the immediate area) before exit'n my vehicle and as i made my way to the trailer door...outta the blue i was once again jumped from behind (and not in the good way i might add!) i was in complete awe...how in the fiddler's fuck where they able to catch up to me so quickly?
despite that...i guess these cowards obviously over estimated their total
strength in numbers cuz when they jumped me from all sides in the still of the nite...i still was able to handle 'em the best i could and kept on swing'n with all my unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe might until i had laid 3 of those mutha fuckers flat out on the ground before i quickly scampered off inside slamm'n the door behind me as the rest of those assholes decided to give up and buzz off!
all i can say is they're just lucky as fuck that i had no marks on my mug...guess you weren't expect'n some future neurotic colostomy bag with a massive case of turrets swing'n like some AARP ninja...did'ja? i might'a felt defeated at times but quite frankly...i'm just too damn old to put up with this shit anymore!
i ain't gonna lie...i was gett'n tired of try'na fend them all off when all i really
wanted to do when i got back to my niece's trailer was to kick back with some lightly salted Orville and my fav-o-rit marathon series from the 70's to eventually drift off to (but) despite that...i made sure those belligerent basturds got what was come'n to 'em...they might'a started this...nonetheless i sure as shit on shingle was gonna finish it...KAPEESH!
UGH!!! i cannot stand all those damn blood suckers at this time of year...
mosquitoes ARE NOT yer friends and deserve to be totally eradicated from the face of the earth via the death penalty...
whether it be by high voltage electrocution...
highly murderous and toxic sprays...
or just with a good ol' fashion unsuspect'n smack to their back side...P-E-R-I-O-D!
now GET OFF MY DRESS!
