AND THE WINNER IS?

as far as competitions go....i was never really a huge fan of them at all

cuz when ya break'em down in the end they're just basically a popularity contest meant to break down those that our fucked up societal standards deem less than the worthy of praise...though thankfully there's always that ONE unfeckless freak in the crowd that shoots out in the end like a silver bullet kill'n the feckless cookie cutter crowded competition...and that is the one that will ALWAYS get my vote!

so it's that time of the year when all of hollyweirds glitzkriegs and glamour 

toads plump up their non existent pout and tout their tired tush and waxed bush down the red carpets from the INDIES to the OSCARS to give another vomit indulgent acceptance speech and squeeze out a single tear to thunderous applause then grab as many free fancy schmancy swag bags as possible in case their last movie bombed and the studio heads make a stop payment on their check

though personally fer me...it's really all about after the ooh so many many

uninvited invitations that i'm sure were simply lost in the mail fer me to ignore except fer the one that i always anxiously anticipate gett'n each and every year to hopefully get a ticket to attend the view'n party at my fav-o-rit rest stop fer some mouth water'n olive tapenade sunbathin' on some deliciously rustic italian sourdough bread and wash'n it down with a slightly chilled glass combo of champagne and chambord with a couple of plump raspberries pirouette'n gallantly to the bottom of the flute glass amongst an array of other deliciously orphaned frostbit nibbly's chipped outta the freezer from the previous holiday soirée thru-out the vote'n process...this of course is non negotiable so tick tock PEETRINELLA...T-I-C-K-T-O-C-K!

however somethin' more my cup of award tea is really just on the ROCKS!

more specifically THE ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME where we as the human race can really make or break some bad ass with their pipes and place'n them in the musical archives of history!

BUTT trust me...this years nominations HAVE NOT disappointed me in the slightest!

first outta the gate is my fav-o-rit off the wall spit fire silver bullet with a 4

octave range from the golden age of the Mtv era who came from the streets of Brooklyn...born CYNTHIA ANN STEPHANIE LAUPER in 1953 she would eventually be known to world simply as CYNDI LAUPER with her famous flame red locks...her colorful consignment shop clothing style and her effervescent personality...CYNDI was a force thru-out the 80's that still shines bright after 40+ years in the biz

CYNDI began her musical journey in the updated 60’s style new wavy 

pop band BLUE ANGEL in 1979 and released their self titled debut album in 1980 with hits like

"I'M GONNA BE STRONG" 

 "I HAD A LOVE" 

and "LATE" before the band disbanded and CYNDI made her mark as an international solo sensation

debut'n her 1st record as a solo artist in 1984 with "SHE'S SO UNUSUAL" where CYNDI would make history by become'n the 1st woman to ever have 4 top 5 hits on the Billboard 100 charts from a debut album with the debut track written and recorded by ROBERT HAZARD in 1979 

though it wasn't until CYNDI rerecorded and released it in 1984 where it became the universal smash party anthem fer girls everywhere around the world with "GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN"

scoop'n up the best new artist at the GRAMMY'S in 1985 

then release'n the infectious quirky theme song "GOONIES R GOOD ENOUGH" to the teenrager Spielberg flick "THE GOONIES" that same year

CYNDI would release 10 more albums include'n an album of new and old 

holidazed classics ...

starrin' as psychic SYLVIA PICKEL in the 1988 romantic adventure "VIBES" among many other movie and tv appearances

then from book shelves to BROADWAY...CYNDI  LAUPER has put in her time and deserves to be inducted into the ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME

enjoy my Spotify mix while yer bake'n a bunt cake

my 2nd place vote goes to the british mate who showed off his assets

better than anyone else in the 80's...born GEORGIOS KYRIACOS PANAYIOTO in East Finchley, Middlesex England in 1963...it would only take 18 years later in 1981 to be known as 

GEORGE MICHAEL from the 80's super bubble gum pop duo WHAM! with their infectious hit "WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO GO"

WHAM! would only release 2 albums "FANTASTIC" and "MAKE IT BIG"

before GEORGE would call it quits to become a global sensation with his sexually infused money make'n hips on his debut album "FAITH" in 1987 sitting in the top 10 on Billboard charts fer 51 weeks spinn'n out #1 hits like "FAITH" "I WANT YER SEX" and "FATHER FIGURE"

i still remember buss'n my plump A double snakes to the Minne-Apple

in 1989 just to see him shake his live at the St Paul Civic Center only to find out after i had purchased a pepsi and a tour book i had no money left over to get back to my cuz'ns in the Minne-Apple so i sat outside the venue by the bus ramp try'n to hop a ride with anyone that could feel my personal predicament with no takers hear'n my pleas...that is until 2 hours after the show ended and i noticed a bus parade pull out from beneath the stadium and the last bus stopped at the top of the ramp and all of a sudden the doors opened and out popped the one i always wanted to pop my cherry in the worst way...GEORGE looked at me and said "can i help you with a ride mate?" and somehow i suddenly turned into some Helen Keller mute freak and couldn't mutter out a single word so after a few seconds (what seemed like a lifetime fer me) he went back into his bus and i kick myself to this very day how i possibly COULD HAVE BEEN MISS FUCK'N GEORGE MICHEAL!

by GEORGE's 2nd solo release "LISTEN WITHOUT PREJUDICE" in 1990

GEORGE no longer had the desire to be every man or woman's desire nor his record companies prostitute and refused to show his image on the album cover or the videos for "FREEDOM 90" opt'n instead to showcase the supermodels of the world at the time lyp-sync'n to his music

in 1998 GEORGE want'n to just bust his nut in the privacy of some L.A

lavatory however he would end up just gett'n busted by some under cover LAPD nonetheless GEORGE would turn his innocent indiscretion into the  unapologetic disco hit "OUTDSIDE" which was released later that same year on his album "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN" the BEST of GEORGE MICHAEL"

GEORGE would release a total of 5 studio albums with "PATIENCE"

bein his last in 2004 that garnered the futuristic hits "FREEEK!" and the up-tempo ditty dedicated to his dearest bf at the time "AMAZING"  (that incidentally should’a been about me if i had control of my cognitive senses & hopped on his damn bus in ‘89)

GEORGE had many personal demons he had to deal with thru his career

and unfortunately the musical world would loose a true genius on Christmas day in 2016 though his posthumous nomination is a well deserved and much warranted honor fer this musical icon

enjoy my Spotify mix on yer next road trip

CATHERINE BUSH was born in 1958 in Bexleyheath, Kent England

and by 1978 at the age of 19 KATE BUSH (whom she now would be known as) release'd her debut single "WUTHERING HEIGHTS" become'n the 1st UK female artist to write and record a number 1 hit fer the charts

KATE would go on to release 25 top 40 UK hits with a handful become'n 

top 10 hits like "BABOOSHKA" in 1980...

and "RUNNING UP THAT HILL" in 1985 

which would once again make KATE a household name 37 years after it's release with her hit become'n the pinnacle song in the dark teenrager series "STRANGER THINGS" and why she deserves yer vote today...come on gen Z kittens...be apart of history by putt'n KATE down in the musical history archives

SHERYL SUZANNE CROW made her debut in the 1962 and by 1993 

the natural blue eyed beauty would drop her middle name all together and debut the eclectic rocker chick hidden inside her known as SHERYL CROW popp'n out a string of top 10 hits thru-out the 90's and the early 2000's like "ALL I WANNA DO" "STRONG ENOUGH" and "IF IT MAKES YOU HAPPY"

on top of release'n 11 studio albums...SHERYL contributed to many many

movie soundtracks include'n 2 songs to the oscar nominated flick "ERIN BROCOVICH" with her duet with JOHNNY CASH "REDEMPTION DAY" and the films end'n number "EVERYDAY IS A WINDING ROAD" so SHERYL is worthy of my vote at #4

and last but certainly not the least was born a year after me in 1971...hail'n

from Portsmouth, VA...MELISSA ARNETTE ELLIOT began her career in the early 90's with R&B group SISTA until embark'n on her solo career in '97 and would become MISSY "MISDEMEANOR" ELLIOT with her debut album "SUPA DUPA FLY" which spawned the hit "SOCK IT 2 ME" make'n her the 1st female rapper to shoot to the highest spot at #3 on the Billboard 200 at the time

by 2001 MISSY's 3rd album "MISS E...SO ADDICTIVE" was by far thee

best work she had released to the universe at that point and had me addicted when MISSY released her 1st infectious single "GET UR FREAK ON" which was followed up by her premature ejaculatory duet with LUDACRIS "ONE MINUTE MAN" both burn'n up the dance floor 

release'n her 6th and final album "THE COOKBOOK" in 2005...MISSY

would move from the small screen to the big screen...appear'n in many television guest spots bein' a mentor on the 9th season of "THE VOICE" in 2015 and lend'n her voice on the off beat comedy cartoon "AMERICAN DAD!" as YOYO in 2016 

also lend'n her vocals on the remake of 70's hit "CAR WASH" with CHRISTINA AGUELERA in the animated fish flick "SHARK TALES" in 2004

even rework'n and rapp'n along side the QUEEN OF THE DANCE FLOOR in a commercial fer GAP jeans in 2003 to M's 1985 smash hit "INTO THE GROOVE" which in my eyes is an automatic reason MISSY needs to be in the ROCK AND ROLL hall of fame PRONTO!

well there ya have it kittens...my top 5 picks fer the ROCK AND ROLL 

HALL OF FAME inductions...you can vote in yer fav everyday until april 28th...so give kudo's where they belong...perhaps you even agree with my absofuckinlutely fab choices...if not...

then GET OFF MY DRESS!

THE STRANGEST THINGS

37 years and a mule ago after british babe CATHERINE BUSH dropped 

her hit single "RUNNING UP THAT HILL" fer the gen X'ers of the Mtv generation in 1985 where it only peaked at #30 on the billbore'n charts...an unexpected resurrection has occurred make'n KATE's bush beat the current competition of crap out there by turn'n her hit into the shit once again...race'n back up the charts this time to #1 in the UK and Australia and #5 in the US...owe'n much gratitude to her new found popularity from the whiney "wokers" with a weak backbone i mean non verbal social media clubbers of the gen Z'ers 

and Winona Ryder fans...like myself

thanx to the 4th installment of some lil upside down show...

and a feisty lil red head jammin' to her hit on her casio walkman!

so there i was one afternoon o.d'n on the tik taky's and insta hater reels

each one try'na out do the next with the oddest 15 second video overlay'n it with MISS BUSH's beats and it made me stop and think of the strangest things i've encountered in my very own upside-down existence like the time i stopped down one sunday funday years back to some over priced eatery in downtown Minne-Apple with a group of gaggers fer some shots of jaggers and nibbly's

i was warned by one sassy stalker in my group that they don't allow hats 

to be worn inside their establishment...however i'm here to tell you that this throat plunger don't play that game and simply explained to the halitosis hostess who reiterated and hated on my head piece that was keep'n my follicley challenged farm from the blister'n heat "that's fine but do you tell ALL cancer patients to remove their wigs?" to which she politely replied "hold on...let me ask my manager"

my groupies stood their in complete disbelief and couldn't believe that i 

thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe just told the simply dressed under paid door monitor that i had cancer...i immediately snapped back "i said no such thing Mary...on the contrary...i simply implied would she tell cancer patients to do the same? if she wants to interpret that as me have'n some incurable disease...well...whos' really to blame? me fer simply ask'n a simple question or her inability to enforce some racist profile'n bullshit?" a minute later we were shuffled inside single file and all was right in the world once again 

we ended up bein' seated at a big round booth in the back next to the  

kitchen...directly across from the Real Housewives of Raytown emergency blue rinse bingo luncheon as i 'm sure not to cause any sorta Jerry Springer smack-down with the barely there audience that exhaust'n afternoon over my deliciously dastardly hat deception...however i didn't care...we were seated and served like any other normal thirsty mongrel with a full purse of benjamins to blow as we continued on with our blissful unabashed banter...that is until i over heard some diabetic Iola Boylan bunion model at the table next to us ask the waitress "why is that young gentleman wearing a hat in here?" to which the waitress replied with a smile "he's got cancer!"

BUTT wait...there's more

the next strangest thing that i have ever had the last'n displeasure of bein 

engrained into my memory banks was bein offered to invest in what i was told was a very niche' market the very first time i was officially date'n my X steroidal Heman in my 30's while i was in between jobs of look'n and blow'n...somehow the topic got onto underwear...specifically his...more specifically...well lemme make this "brief"

with the downward spiral durin' the age of the dot coms in the early 2000's

my steroidal steak and eggs X i called Heman (button yer lip...that's was the last and only time i have ever used a lame ass nickname) anywho'zll'ding...he told me about these muscle worshippers online from around the globe who would pay him handsomely if they could use his undergarments as a surgical mask and even more so if he would "decorate it" with his dinner

now listen...everyone had there kinks and fetishes and if yer legally over 

the age of 18 and it's totally consensual...i say FUCK IT! just go fer it...regardless what others may think of the kink or of you...with that said...i just gotta say...who in their ever luv'n santa claus fuck'n mind would ever spend money from nana's change purse to bid on a pair of bean burrito basted bvd's from some buffed puff in Boise... 

while they mastered their own universe with a bidd'n war online? 

then of course there's that pend'n case recently where some maxi padder 

alleges that in 2017 in a 2014 hyundai genesis nonetheless that she contracted a STD from her DILF and expects the insurance company to hand her a cool 5mill fer her troubles...ummm if she actually gets this payday someday then i want a retroactive payout fer my experience in 1992 where some Dirk dickslinger who wrangled me into the back seat of his 1987 busted out brown bronco after a difficult nite at the park doin things that would frighten fish and 3 days later i ended up have'n to shave my muffin down to the roots cuz apparently he gave me his family of crotch crickets who started perform'n a damn Wringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey act out on my nether regions

lastly is the advice i was give'n by many in regards to my humbled abode

plans fer my retirement home...now my head (which was never an issue with anyone from what i've been told) has always been forever romantisize'n about a 2 bedroom 2 bathroom tin canned tornado terror in the middle of nowhere thanx to my very 1st ever crush Joe Brabbit from the 6th grade who invited me to a sleep over at his dad's trailer one weekend

we constructed a gigantor fan fort...cuddled inside our sleeping bags (yes it was plural pervies) play'n donkey kong on the miniature arcade machine i got from our old neighbors the Cudahy's fer an xmas prez til the wee hours of the morn'n...sipp'n on shasta's while dream'n of play'n with his donkey dong (hey my hormones were start'n to blossom) 

then all of a sudden i heard "YOU CAN'T HURRY LOVE" by Phil Collins play'n on his Mtv 

so i DIANA ROSS'd my ass back to reality real quick like!

nonetheless i've always found it strange when someone in the realty world

needs a reality check from me when they try and convince me of the unbenefits from own'n a trailer...like the simplest fact that when mother nature decides to toss a fit...ummm REALLY? cuz i believe Dorothy lived in a modest 3 bedroom bungalow on her aunt and uncle's farm so yer skate'n on thin ice with that argument 

then they try to convince me that the resale will be a waste of time as i will 

not recoup ANY investments i may have poured into it and try to convince me a condo might be more of a sound investment for me (here we are again) ummm  REALLY? cuz if i plan on this bein' my last rest'n place to enjoy my "MURDER SHE WROTE" marathons while sipp'n my metamucil martini's and enjoy'n a creamy caramely worthless originals from time to time then why in the fiddler's fuck would i want a 30 year mortgage that the bank will most likely repossess before i kick the can?

or is it because you just wanna win a round of tic tac dough so you can enjoy yer yer tacky tiki drinks in Taiwan with yer con-vince'n?

everyone paves their own path in this life and i let them live it the way 

that they wanna live without turn'n into some judgmental judy however i like my organs in my body to give two shits about chromed brushed appliances with a bird's eye view of downtown hookers and heroin addicts so in close'n...you eat yer carrots yer way and i'll eat them mine!

and cuz i'm not gonna stay complicit and silent on reproductive issues

fer anyone even though they may have no physical bear'n on my supple and plump behind personally…

FUCK THESE EGREGIOUSLY HYPOCRITICAL REGURGITATED PURITYRANICAL CASPER BASTURDS and their DIABOLICALLY MONSTROUS SMUG OBSERDITY and ANY of those who do believe their rule'n was on point...you are 100% complicit with RAPE...INCEST...MEDICAL WELL BEING OF THE BIRTHING PORTAL and want a GILEAD nation…P-E-R-I-O-D!

bann'n the constitutional rights of uterine walls that they've fought for fer almost 50 years is beyond absofuckinlutely insane just fer the simple fact that all these callous CASPER crusaders talk'n out of their blown-out anal entrances vomit'n that it's "murder"  are so full of sanctimonious shit that

if you smacked any of them...they'd simply fuck'n splatter all over their biblical blouse of bullshit cuz once the lil puke buckets are born and the unbiblical chord is cut they will soon be abandoned and fergotten like Amber Heard's career...then all of these ass scratch'n puritanical pabst blue ballers and twisted subservient twats who had the frontal lobes of their brain removed by their own knitt'n needles will whine relentlessly about these pink eye paraders live'n off the system instead of putt'n any sorta energy and resources into fund'n enough aid fer those unfortunate unwanted tater tots especially if they're bequeathed with special needs and other inept disabilities at birth...or any sorta safety net fer single maxi-padders and poor families that are just try'na make the bare minimum to survive 

or safe foster care/adoption so the lil inch worm rodeo wranglers don't have to take their school field trips to the red door clinic and get antibiotics fer a lunch snack and wash them down with their tutti fruity juice box...

overturn'n ROE vs WADE had absofuckinlutely nothing to do about bein' pro-life at all with these tiresome tyrannosaurus zealots...it's just fuck'n hypocrisy to save their seething self-righteous soul at it's core!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!