indoctrination nation

we've all had those momentous moments in life where we so wanted to

just belong...feelin' like some pathetic outsider...desperately want'n to be some plausible insider...to be initiated into some top secret exclusive club that makes you feel that yer just a wee bit more superior...

than the rest of the losers that just couldn't make the final cut...only to realize later on in life...that it was all just a completely wasted sham

like the first time when you came across that infamous offer'n in the back 

of yer uncle's beaver hunt magazine...hidden in a locked tackle box...behind an enormous stack of hotel bibles that he had collected from his many "business trips" around the country...in the corner of the attic...that you jimmied open with that bobby pin that you just happened to have in the pocket of yer purple corduroy granimals culottes fer circumstances like this (why not!)

where you could purchase 13 tapes of yer fav-o-rit musical artists that you went ape shit over...that you would play fer endless hours into the nite...set to the highest distorted volume possible...on yer newly acquired mono casio cassette player you got from yer rich bitch of a friend that you used to live down the road from on the farm one xmas...to the complete disdain and utter annoyance and quite frankly...absolute pure jealousy from yer other sibs...then use'n yer sisters strawberry shortcake hairbrush as yer stand in microphone...

in front of yer full length jack off mirror i mean...ummm...stage mirror that you used to look out at the sea of attendees in yer delusional audience...that you used to perfect yer war paint presence along with endless hours perfect'n yer fiercest choreographed routines

in hopes that soon someday...you would be chosen to aimlessly shake yer A double snakes as a solo dancer in the next Culture Club video cuz you were picked as a top fan from a small article that you wrote and got published in an issue of Star Hits magazine at the age of 14

or as one of Madonna's back up dancers...in case one of them happened to mangle their legs beyond recognition after drive'n home late one rainy nite from rehearsals and their brakes gave out and knew you could take over after spend'n endless hours memorize'n every calculated step to her mind boggle'n "Blonde Ambition Tour"

but knew eventually you'd have to settle as the next small but important future unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of yer own universe

only to realize that if you didn't purchase 10 more cassettes as stated in the very very fine minuscule unreadable pixelated print at the bottom of the ad...at the recommended price which was comparable to a side of beef in 1985...within the next 3 years...that they would end up send'n out financial thugs to come break yer spirit...break yer bank account...and practically break yer bones!

school of course is where everyone desperately wanted to be in one of the

many numerous clubs...from the anal retentive bitchfest known as the debate club...to the jack-off jamboree of sexually depraved suppressors known as ANY testosterone enraged sports club...but of course the one and only club everyone was completely envious of...was to be part of the HEATHERS of the high school...

only to find out years later...that they all would end up stuck in a burnt out sexless marriage...with equally burnt out over processed hair...in debt up to their cankles and a waistline that only belongs on a water buffalo...that they attributed to "glandular problems" at the 20 year class reunion

the performing illusionist world will never ever be the same again...

thanx to shows like RU's popular "reality" show...in it's 11th season...that stars a bevy of unclever regurgitated bitchy and whiny RUtards...pitted against one another...each week after the weak...

from the extremely absofuckinglutely talented... 

to the truely excrutiate'n talentless performers from all walks of life...like it's the world wrestle'n federation of feathers and fiercelessness...that just end up lay'n down vommitous generic "dance" tracks to their auto-toned spoken words...or some tired old stomach churn'n "read" of others on yet another "RUview" episode...or a plethora of youtube tutorials...show'n off their stale mug in yet another paint by numbers make-up snoreisode...once they're eliminated from the series and exhausted all their tour money after shove'n it up their nose

even at an early age...we are put under pressure to become indoctrinated

into some sadistic syphilitic religion...completely make'n you feel like you are worthless and weak without it...fer instance like my great niece's recent baptism...where she had to submit to some apocalyptic preacher in a neatly pressed Calvin Klein knock off from the Saks 5th Avenue outlet...who stated that yer body is a temple and you are what you eat...basically shunn'n and fat shame'n a large portion of the noticeably much larger blasphemous congregation on the trials and tribulations of become'n part of the gluttonous diabetic parade...

all of a sudden it felt as if as i was attend'n some damn Jenny Craig jamboree!

don't even get me started on how he tried to equate his sermon to the

 CASPER crusaders hang'n onto his every word...on how CASPER and Mary's kid Jesus...who hung out with all the other apparent salacious sinners...were much like the audience in attendance this particular day (well accept i'm pretty sure "glandular" issues weren't an issue back then)...cuz even if you...as the baptismal inductee...could personally give 2 shits and comprehend what the true supposed mean'n is all about anyways at the age of 5...

these days (and let's be real here kittens) it's just a reason to hopefully siphon a handful of cash and other fabulous prizes from relatives and friends

then proceed to get plastered celebrate the lord at the local VFW afterwards

and of course the ceremony wouldn't be complete without the shake down

from the alter boys pass'n of the gold leaf plated collection plate from some half-off TJ Maxx end-cap...to pretty much guilt the CASPER crusader's into pay'n the church's mount'n bills...though the alter boys of today are no longer the fresh faces of nubile innocence like they once were when i was a servant of CASPER's...cuz trust me...if i knew now...what i didn't know then...i'da worn that communal robe with the butt cut out...WHAT THE H-E-double hockey stix? i guess the priest decided by the time i had arrived fer duty...he could be picky! 

I WAS ROBBED OF A LIFE ON EASY STREET I TELL YA!

no...the church wised up since my last tour of duty and now basically the "alter boys" were grown up glorified saintly strippers stare'n you down fer anything thing from pocket change to recipes that bake beautifully at 375 degrees

as a lil side note...the whole "break'n of the bread" charade parade...where those who have already been baptized bastardized into this cult...line up

fer an offer'n of the "body and blood" of CASPER's kid (hey...i thought cannibalism was frowned upon within the walls of worship?) how about instead of just give'n the congregation the option of dipp'n their vanilla wafer into the communal wine...ever since the share'n of the chalice caused that embarrass'n outbreak of herpes back in the late 80's

and ps...ummm...i'm still wait'n fer a callback from hollyweird power house attorney Gloria Allred to return my damn calls

may i suggest offer'n up a few more options...like perhaps dipp'n the body

of Christ in some tasty olive tapenade from Trader Joe's fer christ sakes... 

and maybe wash'n it down with a nice shot of chiante...it's merely a simple pimple suggestion i put in the offer'n plate as my contribution to this dogma and phony show!

and ya don't have'ta worry about me cuz i already got my front row seats 

but i won't be sitt'n there alone i'm sure...NOW GET OFF MY DRESS!

a TENSION TAMER

we've all experienced those...not so pleasant moments in life...

from time to time...when you wanna go ape shit on the next person who asks you to use yer inside voice when try'n to get yer point across

whether it be at yer family's gift exchange'n dur'in the holidays cuz yer parents never got you those cha cha heels you've been begg'n fer all damn year long

or when yer date doesn't return yer text in a timely manner...so you spend all day cook'n up a tasty bunny soup...even though he told you his wife was in a car accident and put in a self induced coma

or maybe it 's cuz someone brought you another damn green bean casserole to yer loved one's funeral luncheon

whatever the case may be kittens...take off yer temperamental tutu...cuz today i am sitt'n down with the perfect tension tamer to tame those restless natives dance'n around to that jungle music inside yer head

among her many numerous accomplishments from the big screen to the lil screen...today's special guest has worked tirelessly fer the past 27 years

as the break out star from the 1999 non heterosexual romantic comedy smash hit "TRICK" starr'n a sexually frustrated ivory tinkler...a hot to trot stripper and some annoy'n 90210 has-been...with the most poignant facial line ever used in cinematic history...that i unfortunately experienced literally weeks before i rented my VHS copy at my local blockbuster store

"ever get cum in your eyes Gabriel?" (and it does...no joke!)

in 2001 made a guest appearance on an episode of  the hit series
"WILL & GRACE"
(which...THANK CHER...it's FINALLY back on the air)

and then in 2003 as one of the headliners in this brilliantly hysterical bust yer panty lined comedies "GIRLS WILL BE GIRLS" that'll make you think twice about ever cross'n a queen

today's guest has performed across the globe from stage to screen

 and everywhere in between...of course i'm talk'n about the one and only Bronx beauty MISS COCO PERU

thank you sooo much COCO fer take'n time outta yer busy schedule to entertain my flock of kittens thru-out the globe...so let's get right to it...

you been slapp'n on yer very distinctively subtle war paint with yer 1st show "MY GODDAMN CABARET" in 1992 and have been travel'n the globe entertain'n the masses who sit on their asses ever since...tell us what can the audience expect with yer latest words of wisdom this time?

People who have seen the new show have been telling me how current it is and on point and that is satisfying to me because you always hope when you write that your stories resonate with your audience. Things are very tense right now in the world and I address a few things that have made me tense recently and try to work through it by sharing my personal stories and I think storytelling and taking the time out to gather as a group and connect is important to our sanity.

with yer brilliant series "CONVERSATIONS WITH COCO" where you've interviewed many great LGBT icons like BEA ARTHUR...JANE FONDA and most recently LILY TOMLIN that you taped for a series hopefully soon to be on television (that i'm glad i got producer credit for w/my donation) is there anyone yer really die'n to interview fer yer series?

I have interviewed both Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin so i would love to complete the Holy Trinity

 and interview Dolly Parton.

Of course Cher as well! So many possibilities, really!

you have a very distinctive and iconic look as perform'n illusionists go...i have always thought yer look was inspired by a 60's socialite party hostess...with yer appropriately cut dresses and yer equally distinctive sassy brassy Patty Duke flipped do...tell me COCO...do you ever feel pressure from dime store queens to change up yer fabulous firey flip?

YES! I address that very topic in my new show! Secretly, I think the other queens are jealous that I have a simple hairdo that requires very little work. When i created COCO I thought it was important to create a look that people would easily recognize and then stick with it.

with television and the internet bein' saturated with make-up tutorials and

shows like "RUPAUL's DRAG RACE" and "THE BOULET BROTHERS"

do you think that the whole art of drag...as it once was...has now become much too main stream and lost its intrigue and mystery it once had?

NEW FLASH! Everything changes! I love the Boulet Brothers, I know them personally and I think they have done wonders for nightlife here in L.A. and also, I love that they celebrate the freak and the grotesque. I have always said drag is so much bigger than what some people think it is. Still, there is something strange about drag going as mainstream as it has,

but at the same time I love that teenage girls and their moms bond over their love of Coco Peru looking for Tension Tamer Tea. I'll be retiring soon so at the end of the day I'm just grateful that I have worked for as long as I have doing what I love. It's a miracle! If I was going to take issue with reality TV, and this is true for all reality shows, it is that the audience sometimes make celebrities out of people who are "ordinary."

When i was young my role models were people who trained and had a craft, who had worked years perfecting their art, people like Bea Arthur, Whoopi Goldberg, Bette Midler, Liza Minnelli, Robin Williams, to name a few. When I created Coco I knew that if I was going to survive I had to work hard in order to win over an audience and gain a following. nowadays, just being on TV and being loud is enough to make you a celebrity and that concerns me. However, I've been working for so many years and I feel like I have had to figure out a way to fit into this new world and I feel like I do. I love my young fans and I appreciate their support and I love when they call me Aunt Coco and even Mom!

Speaking of things "that bothers me"...what would you like to say to that Melania gal if you were given the chance? (hypothetically of course)

I don't think I would say anything to her but maybe I would ask her questions and my first question would be, "Are you happy?" And then I would look deep into her eyes, deeply, and repeat the same question.

now comes the fav-o-rit part of the interview that i like to simply call... 

"can we talk about ME for a change?"

basically COCO...put yerself in yer best breezy Mrs. Walters smock

& put me under the spotlight by ask'n me ANY question that pops in yer mind under the rainbow that you want to know about me...from family/religion/sexpectations...i mean A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G...well except about rainbows...cuz that's just fuck'n lazy journalism

Hmmmm! You saw my new show in Minneapolis, so did it resonate with you and why?

i have to say...i have been bust'n my balls fer years (and really...i have...blue balls are no fun)...but more importantly...yer show has the brilliant blend of storytell'n with song...a roller coaster of emotions that brings you back to center stage...it taught me what it means to bring the "inner woman" in all of us...OUT!...

bein' thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe that i am fer the past 23 years...it was beyond eye open'n...littered with many many hysterically move'n moments fer me personally...but it also had many tender moments that made me reflect on some of my own personal regrets from the past...a perfect blend like a pomegranate martini...with just a sprinkle of bitters but pack'n one helluva punch...it definitely made my nite...that i hadda hop a red eye to Oprahville and see it one more time...and you did not disappoint...(even with that self involved A double snake hole in the audience who was try'na make it all about him) it was a beyond an absolute pleasure to meet one of my icons in person...fer the 2nd time...even if i hadda lose a lil bit of my dignity fer pocket change in order to get a respectable photo that didn't make me look like a model fer cerebral palsy (ps...to any of my "sensitive" kittens out there...that's not meant as ANY sorta dig on the cerebral palsy runway models of the world either...so don't call yer state senators demand'n immediate action!)

i wanna thank thee iconic legend MISS COCO PERU fer pave'n the way fer so many girlie boys...you'd be an absolute damn fool to miss this experience! click here fer current COCO dates in yer city and do yerself a favor and just go!

if yer a twatter...follow her on TWITTER here
if ya wanna be her BFF...follow her on FB here
if yer all about the pix...follow her on INSTAGRAM here
if ya wanna watch the COCO experience from
TARGET to tension tamer talks...subscribe to her YOUTUBE channel here

now get off my dress!