YOU DON'T SAY....

we've all unfortunately at one point or another in life have encountered 

those annoy'n self centered...self medicated...self deprecate'n...chain smoke'n...coupon clipp'n...name dropp'n...petty Peggy's..whether it be at the water cooler conversations or morn'n donut troughs at work...the grocery store...the beauty parlor or at yer local mom and pop video rental shop in the back room behind those oh so "discrete" saloon doors

well there i was settle'n down fer the even'n after a difficult day at the park

try'na sell ticket's to my neighbors nervous breakdown...just try'na unwind with a chilled glass of regret and some nibbly's and decided to go with an uplift'n heart warm'n family movie this particular even'n to help perk up my multiple personalities so i figered i'd go with Mrs. dearly departed Fawcett since she has never let me down before

as the movie was about to hit the crescendo moment...i had suddenly  

heard a faint muffled chime from my cell call'n out from somewhere deep beneath the cushions of my couch which always ends up turn'n into some damn twisted Indiana adventure anytime anything gets swallowed up in the belly of my current sleep'n quarters and i have to hunt fer my staff and wait fer a beam of moonlight to pin point it's exact location

BUTT anyways...

3 breakdowns 2 prozacs and a nam myoho renge kyo later i had finally 

located said cell phone in the pit of my davenport and apparently the chime was just a lame alert inform'n me of an unimportant urgent message from some unknown recipient on some tiresome chat forum that i use as a sleep'n device from time to time and fergot to log out durin' my movie so i clicked on urgent message from my late nite baller try'na call me over force'n me to regurgitate my standard diplomatic response

(i'm the asparagus colored urine bubble)

my narcolepsy had been kick'n into overdrive since the pandemic ergo my sleepless nites have been a roller coaster of epic proportions so i had zero interest in any late nite rendezvous with this rectally ravenous raccoon...however...clear as i thought i was bein' with his request...it seems he didn't understand plain go fuck yerself english cuz 6 minutes later...

he desperately tried to impress me by convince'n me to blast his death hole apart with my millennium falcon!

ARE YOU FUCK'N KIDD'N ME?

this anally charged Annie "used to be" married to a somewhat famous bank account and he wants lil ol covid cash collect'n unemployed me to explore his cavernous cave?

well i guess i'm gonna paint my front door red and change my name to Elizabeth Arden!

of course after the metamucil had done it's damage and i had give'n the sacrificial offer'n to the porcelain god i removed my A double snakes from my $30 rebated throne and decided to give the only response that i deemed appropriate fer this colossal catastrophic chatty Kathy...

and in case ANY of you out there doubt the validity of my name dropp'n history...i of course have receipts!

HERE'S THE DAMN PROOF! however...i had a lil more gloat’n to vomit...

at this point my unconsciousness was tell'n me to quit while i'm ahead! 

and that my curious kittens...concludes this cankersaurus concussion...

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

BAD TO THE BONE

it's that time of the year once again...where everyone scampers to try

and be the 1st one to bitch about the latest snow fall all across their social media planet...you know...as if the other 10 million socially inept people in the same predicament are blind as a shiver'n fuck'n bat and yer the one genius scholar with the intuition to start the bitchfest lett’n the tri state area know about the new fall’n snow that'll last until at least march of the follow'n year usually...as if we’re over populated by millions of Helen Keller’s!

though i for one...say bring it the mutha fuck on! that is until you fender fuck me on my way to my latest lubricational appointment...without the proper lube! 

i know where yer dirty lil mind was goin you naughty lil kitten...and ya know what? this time you'd be absofuckinglutely right on the money!

the blanket'n of the new fall'n snow is the perfecto time to wrap up with

that sorta someone who's somewhat sorta somethin' fer the next hour and a half at the very least...who wants to unwrap you on the couch while yer watch'n some sorta feel good uplift'n holiday flick...who ain't just some plausable prick just look'n fer yer dicktionary to try and figer out somethin ingenious to say...while braid'n each others thoughts with a bottle of platinum WET!

if yer look'n fer some holiglazed flick while consort'n with yer holiglazed

prick and don't wanna break yer piggy bank or deal with those annoy'n "please be kind and rewind" fuck'n rentals fees...here's a few gems that i recommend available free of charge on youtube to help set the mood fer yer dude...or dudess!

ps...i don’t wanna burst yer bubble but the queen of lifetime television had absolutely nothin’ to do with these productions

#5 has been made into countless remakes and revisions over the years

but nothing compares to this awful eye sore from 1980..."THE LEGEND OF SLEEPY HOLLOW" starr'n an irksome 32 year old JEFF GOLDBLUM as ICHABOD CRANE and yes...Chicago Bears DICK BUTKUS as BROM BONES...i don't feel the need to rehash the back story of author WASHINGTON IRVING'S genius dark short story if you’ve never read or ever seen any of the interpretations over the years since we live in the age of google and all...just suffer through it fer the sheer pleasure of it all know’n you’ll loose 1 hour & 35 minutes of yer life that you can never get back!

#4 was the ABC late nite movie of the week that's surely not for the weak

"NIGHTMARE IN BADHAM COUNTY" starred a slew of has-beens and dead has-beens from "BRADY BUNCH" daddy ROBERT REED "GILLIGAN'S ISLAND" TINA LOUISE and "TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL" DELLA REESE about 2 college girls Cathy and Diane who take a mini cross country holiday before finals when there car breaks down in a small redneck town and their troubles begin when their “dirty pillows” ignore the sherrifs sexual advances

#3 is appropriate since it's a menage a trois of short stories fer tv view'n

that originally aired in march of '75..."TRILOGY OF TERROR"starr'n KAREN BLACK who stars in all 3 segments and though each has zero to do with the others...my fav story was the last one involve'n KAREN...a rotary dialed bitchfest with her mother and a menance'n wooden fetish doll with an axe to grind

#2 is a new find that i found absofuckinglutely amaze'n fer it's time...only

cuz it aired turkey nite on ABC tv back in 1972..."HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS" stars a very young "my hair does look like a football helmet" SALLY FIELD as one of 4 disgruntled daughters who return home to see their ail'n wealthy father who suspects his 2nd wife Frederica of poison'n him and asks them to beat the bitch to the punch...there's nothing more chill'n than than a warm family gather’n

#1 is my all time fav-o-rit television melodrama that originally aired in 1983

as a precursor to my foray into the wonderful world of part time prison warden fer other people's minature glamour shot eye sores..."SUMMER GIRL" starr'n "ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW" alumni BARRY BOSTWICK as the dote'n dad trapped in a fuckless marriage with a basket case and 2 puke buckets...til he decides to hire some help to help out around the house but finds out that the petite olgilvie home permed home wrecker is after more than just a lil extra cash fer a spank'n new swatch watch...she wants a spank'n and will do what she has to to get her way!

there ya have it kittens...disconnect from whatever stream'n service yer

hide’n in yer closet to watch and watch some of thee best television movies of the week from days gone by and GET OFF MY DRESS!