those 9 to 5'ers out there who wished that they were doin somethin' else with their professional life financially...like whale gutt'n in the arctic perhaps...with his 1977 hit
we've all had those utter mundane jobs at some point in our life...up to
and include'n those that begin with blow...that you know goin into it is gonna work yer last nerve...but outta sheer laziness...yer always hope'n fer the best in the end
even though...9 times outta 10...you know yer just gonna end up punch'n into Charlie's chocolate factory (call it intuition if you must)
live'n the luxurious lifestyle of an unintentionally internationally unknown
perform'n illusionist of yer own universe...ain't all what it's cracked up to be...it is...as one might say (that one bein' ME of course)...albeit an extremely far far F-A-R stretch...but very akin in the same manner to the immortal words once muttered by everyone's fav-o-rit country chanteuse herself...Miss Parton...many moons ago...
"it's costs a lot of money...to look this cheap!"
when i started this bumble'n blog of whimsical words of witty non sense
almost 10 years ago...i was work'n in the fraud department of some downtown financial industry that would simply become to be known as Twin City Fuckers to me!
long and arduous years that i suffered at the hands of said company...cuz to be quiet honest...a monkey really could've done my job...i guess the only real answer i could come up with was that i had unfortunately give'n myself one too many home lobotomy perms in the 90's...though i would attribute it mostly to the fact that i enjoyed the comradery i had with MOST of my co-workers...i said MOST!
BUTT...lemme back it up to the beginn'n
part...i caught on pretty quickly to the position...my 1st boss (name withheld due to the fact that she's not worth mention'n) well...except to mention the H-E-double hockey stix she would desperately try to put me thru over the years to get me to quit or she would desperately try to write me up so she could eventually fire me...but i was always one step ahead of that crusty and callus colostomy bag...thankfully i was lucky enough to attain an 8x10 head shot of my boss's corporate photo from a company mole just to give you perspective fer this blog
i've learned over the years that you don't have to like everyone you work
with...include'n yer boss...though you learn to just suck it up when yer not yer own boss...co-exist and get the work done if you want to eat 3 square meals a day...have a roof over yer head (in order to get head someplace outside of the back of their bronco) and buy some pretty nice things
after many months of learn'n all the nooks and crannies of my position...
i had FINALLY became a contestant as one of the company's popular ass kissers...simply known as employee of the month...and was beyond excited since my average haul was roughly between $25g's to $50g's in fraud coins i got back fer the company...i assumed that the powers that be would be highly impressed...and i would bequeath a handsome reward fit fer a queen of my stature...so i was ready to press my luck!
OMG...OMG...OMG...what did i win?...what did I WIN?...WHAT DID I WIN?
a new car?
an all inclusive weekend vacation at the charming Caprini-Green estates in Chicago, IL?
M-O-N-E-Y?
oh no...unfortunately all those home lobotomy perms affected my thought
process...cuz after the corporate gimp finished feed'n from the daily donut trough...she would spend 2 minutes pick'n from the company's list of pre-approved speeches...print it off
then corralled the cubicle cattle around in a circle with her donut bell...to recite said speech to the ass kisser of the month
(which...how lucky was i?)
and proceeded to present me with a printed out version of her speech and my very much anticipated reward
(which...how lucky was i?)
wait...the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of
my own universe actually won a FUCK'N $2 coupon off popcorn on the skyway level?
i thought at any minute...Ashton Kutcher was gonna pop outta the the broom closet and mutter that annoy'n phrase of his...unfortunately...there would be no hidden camera man jump'n out from behind the copy machine to get my reaction or any visit from Ashton
i would have to endure this utter humiliation fer the next 6 months
in a row...well..cuz i was THAT good (i got the bedpost notches to prove it kittens) here's is the ACTUAL proof that i still hold onto as a reminder to NEVER work fer this shitty cheap ass company again as long as i breath (cuz trust me...the pay...along with my first boss...were way below my standard of life)
were a bit cranky in their neatly pressed culottes cuz i kept winn'n month after month...until one co-worker finally beat my winn'n streak...until unfortunately...i had once again won the follow'n month after...and by now decided to give away my oscar meyer wiener winn'ns to those less unworthy...i mean unfortunates and "cash" in my assine awards fer the whole department
odd thing about this phony fiasco was that a select few of my co-workers
turns out...by the time i went to cash in all of my $16 worth of coupons...the fuck'n biz would no longer be accept'n my worthless winn'ns cuz they went out of biz!
well...needless to say...this DID NOT go over very well when one particular
CASPER crusade'n co-worker heard of this atrocity!
a year would go by before i was "nominated" by my peers as the latest
ass kisser...i mean...employee of the month once again...but to be honest...i received said nomination cuz i was the last one they never voted fer in my department (jealousy is not a pretty color on the cankle crowd...no matter what the season may be)...only this time...there would be no popcorn consolation coupon to collect...and no longer was this charade parade left to just our immediate department...cuz now they had decided to make a mockery of you by make'n it a multiple company department fiasco where you hadda walk down the plank of yer peers like you were accept'n some sorta fuck'n golden globe...and if it were made of gold...hey...that would'a been a much needed improvement
no..instead...after the corporate gimp gave you accolades and praise fer yer obvious hard work done (and we ALL did collectively on a daily basis mind you)...you were gifted a bag of cray paper and inside the cray paper
some halloween candy they obviously stole from their kids bucket from the previous year...
a juice box...AAAAAND
a pop tart...NOT multiple tarts mind you to pop...ONLY THE ONE SET!
GET THE FUCK OUT! one might say to one self...and trust me...i could barely contain my shock and awe when i first experienced a co-worker's humiliate'n perp walk down the aisle to accept their "award"...cuz when it was my turn to accept mine on said day...i made sure to call in sick with a hideous case of chernobyl mononucleosis cuz i was absolutely not gonna partake in zero part of this sham scam!
though i would unfortunately have to collect my prize the follow'n day that was sitt'n quietly in my cubicle...neatly gifted in a non recyclable bag that has been sitt'n forlornly in the back of my closet all these years until i photographed it as exhibit B fer this blog...before donate'n it to the waste management system outside my shitbox
i would last another 3 more years cuz i have always been loyal regardless
of the company practices...before finally call'n it quits cuz they thankfully moved to the burbs...and i'm not sorry in the slightest cuz that just ain't in my vocab...now GET OFF MY DRESS!
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