hot as hell

so we're only a couple short weeks away from all hell's even'n…

my all time fav-o-rit holidazzle celebration of them all

i remember runn'n around in those oh so comfortable costumes with the facial masks that made you feel like you were gasp'n fer yer last breath...

at six feet underground...from the good ol' yester years...with my siblings in gilmore valley...gett'n an ice cream bucket full of some future diabetic disaster from the neighbors we absolutely knew nothing about...know'n i wouldn't become a lil crispy critter…with it's flame retardant fabric...

unlike those other store bought brands

i've concocted a merried of looks since then…in fact…in 1986…my grama made my very first h-weenie outfit to fit my curvaceous curves during my tender sweet 16th year as Elvira Mistress of the Dark...as one would do

with her front window curtains made of brown polyester
 (insert "how precious" awww here)

the follow'n year i would make my very first costume on my own as Lily 

Munster...then returned the non rental sew'n machine back to Kmart fer a full refund 

cuz i desperately needed to renew my subscriptions to TEEN BEAT and SMASH HITS magazine...well...trust me... my paper route money wasn't gonna cut it!

my first nite out in the Minne-Apple in '91 i went as Wednesday Addams

and was stuck in it fer an unfortunate 3 days...and hadda draw on my eyebrows with a  combination of brown and purple Crayola markers...due to an unfortunate razor incident that even'n

(the storm of the century that nite…remember kittens?)

when i was Ziggy Stardust years later...i lost out to some toothpicked

 twink in diapers and a top hat as baby new year…you can't tell me some beer gut wasn't boink'n his boy beaver fer top prize... i was robbed i tell ya...R-O-B-B-E-D!!!

i've done the Boy George look as Leigh Bowery from his hit show TABOO

  fer the new millennium and won a free cocktail…big fuck'n whoop

but when i was Boy George from the 80's. the follow'n year..i beat the fuck outta the dead Michael Jackson fer the top spot and the coveted 200 cold hard benjamins prize

when i decided goin as lil red ride'n hooker at VFW in Burnsville, MN

 with my aunt goin as some blood suck'n politician...i felt like Jodie Foster in the "Accused" right before bein' pillaged on top of a pinball machine by the 4 beer slugs empty'n their bladder in the boys room when i popped in to powder my nose and they figered out who i actually was

(it's sooo hard to be an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe sometimes...i swear)

this year though i'm think'n of skipp'n the hot factor all together and go a lil 

more political...WHY NOT?...and since were talk'n about things scarier that shit...if you haven't yet...check out Kathy's film regard'n said costume...in the blockbuster sleeper hit of the year "HELL OF A STORY"...we'll see if i break down to show a lil leg...in the meantime…i thought i'd give ya my top 10 list of the hottest...freakiest flix to watch in the dark this wicked season...with some Crisco and a kleenex

the original HALLOWEEN

FRIDAYTHE 13th

and A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET

cancel each other out cuz of too much of the hotness factor involved so on with the show...

10. FRANKENSTEIN

though it's been remade more than the beds at the bunny ranch...u can't go wrong with a classic can ya? and fer a monster...all tall and thick and who barely could put 2 words together...that's sorta fuck'n hot right there...and what self respect'n freek out there

hasn't wanted to toss some rich bitch into a lake...listen up WALL STREET!

9. SCREAM

plenty of hotties to be had in this flick...especially Skeet Ulrich

even if he is like the shopko version of Johnny Depp...apparently that rich bitch knew how to swim outta that lake years later…

but they made damn sure she didn't make it past the first 10 minutes in this fairly recent horror classic

8. PUMPKINHEAD

a fairly unknown late 80’s flick but has all the freak elements you need...starr'n Lance Henriksen…though he had cool green eyes

he just creeps me out all together...and that's k-i-n-d-a hot!

7. THE AMITTYVILLE HORROR (remake)

very very rivet'n sitt'n-on-the-edge-of-yer-seat performances by all...but the main reason to watch...is cuz of axe weild'n homicidal maniac

Ryan Reynolds…H-E-L-L-O!

6. THE CONJURING

based on hollyweirds "true stories" from the 70's...this ones about a farmhouse haunted by some annoy'n demonic presence...and the only one of the most recent flicks to really scare the pumpkin latte shit outta me...luckily fer me though...the buffer that i'd be a fluffer for in a demonic minute is

PATRICK WILSON...meeeeouch!

5. KILLER CLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE

though the soundtrack and actors in this B classic are cheesier than kraft macaroni…it stars 80's B movie hunk-o-rama Grant Cramer

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrravey on my mashed potatoes...and when you have clowns that can kill you with cotton candy and popcorn…

eat'n insulation and styrofoam pellets just ain't the same ever again!

4. WRONG TURN

nothing is freakier than being chased by a bunch of inbreds with an attitude...but more importantly it stars Desmond Harrington

(you can rescue me anytime…i swear)

3. THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (remake)

this makes the original look like a fairy tale…except...you will feel the pain...plus scrumptious new comer...at the time anyways...Eric Balfour...will have you come'n in yer culottes again and again

(though sadly he will NOT return in the sequel…oops…sorry)

2. ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW

what h-weenie night would be complete...without a lil a-n-t-i-c-i-

p-a-t-i-o-n!...plus...Peter Hinwood...enough said!

who else can look hotter in gold lame shorts i ask you!
ps...don't even waste yer time with that crapolafest remake...cuz THERE IS NOOOO C-O-M-P-A-R-I-S-O-N!

1.ELVIRA MISTRESS OF THE DARK

this is my all time FAV spooktacularexpialidocious h-weenie flick…and NO not cuz of her enormous "endorsement deals"…

it's cuz of hot-to-trot daddy-o DANIEL GREENE

but on a side note...i did get to meet the MISTRESS with my good friend Peetrinella and some friends back in '94 at a trailer sign'n in Anoka, MN of all places...i went dressed as Alex from Clockwork Orange

after a drunken hayride…i made my way back to her trailer fer one more photo op…and the huge black bodyguard said Elvira only wanted to talk to ME…yes ME!!...she loved my look compared to the other slack jawed locals in line drool'n over her chest like a pack of starve'n mongolian baboons

and said she was in the process of gett'n ready to film a new movie and had thought of a great title to call it …"THE MISTRESS AND THE MATTRESS"…who am i to disagree? all i hadda do was to send her a professional 8x10 of me...though nothing was guaranteed (she signed another glossy fer me and put her address on the back) it took me 2 years after that meet'n…after Krystal Kleer was born…to get professional shots take'n…but by then the movie had come out called "ELVIRA'S HAUNTED HILL'S"

but alas…i was not in it…and YES to this day i kick myself

so get off my dress!