and by "drugs"...i mean options!
listen kittens...i paid attention to Nancy in the 80's when she simply said
"JUST SAY NO"
"if i wanna get high...i'll add another inch to my heels"...P-E-R-I-O-D!
so put that in yer crack pipe and smoke it...or better yet...learn to control yer destruction...so you can function at my junction
thee only drug i want any future failure to O.D. on...is ME!
BUTT i digress...
in yer 20's you were judge...jury...executioner...defendant and plaintiff on yer look and what you wore when you went out with yer gaggle of gays and the one token fag hag who felt like the luckiest bitch on the planet
the dollars bill's would flow like a whore with halitosis at any given bar on any given nite of the week...which usually consisted of cover charges and cock breath!
i somehow inevitably would become some sorta surrogate therapist way...
too many times...to one too many meals on wheels look'n fruit baskets who happened to be some inebriated idiot that was environmentally delayed...and expected me to find his foot'n just cuz he gave me his 2-4-1 drink ticket!
eventually i would turn down my reason not to have another doctor...
prescribe me a cure that would take 3 to 4 weeks to clear up...instead...i opted to rummage around fer the leftovers at any bar close...fer someone that was close enough to the top of the food chain...OR
stroll fer a troll in the wee hours of the nite in the park fer a ride home...
and don't you wholesomeless whores start point'n fingers at me like some sharp shooter...cuz i wasn't there alone
by the time i hit my 30's...i knew i was goin' to become a romantic wreck...
or deemed a tragedy in a tiara if i wasn't involved with a mate to date fer more than 24 hrs...and so the clown show would begin
not once...not twice...and by the third time...i was no longer a laydee...but i did it anyways...just cuz i figered i needed to evolve beyond the bar stools and the bad morn'n after breath mints i picked up from the nite before...
plus...eat'n fer one is never really as much fun...and cuz i was too lazy to commit suicide!
well...20 years later on...and end'n out my 40's sooner than expected...i feel like i'm back in my early late 20's once again and look'n better than my middle 30's...but with alot less hope...alot less hair and alot less tolerance fer find'n a potential failure in my own age box...oh...don't take that the wrong way...i've learned to accept my new check box...without all those unsightly stretch marks...or awkward family reunions
i'm just not that desperate enough to settle fer sangria and sausage links for breakfast just yet
bein' hit with the on goin recession to my non existent piggy bank doesn't
help either...it's made a HUGE impact on the way us 40+ single non heterosexuals go about conduct'n our "free time"
no one can afford the $10 covers...or feel that we should have to anymore
since we never had to when we were bask'n in our over indulgent youth...nor do we want to be bothered by some anal antiseptic past his ambercrombie due date with a $200 8-ball...who refuses to give up their crown as disco queen...show'n off their personally trained abs...under an over priced GUCCI tank to a bunch of twinks and tweekers
for the most part...the only choices out there are between meth heads or manic depressants who've replaced their overhead lamps with dollar store tea candles in hopes you don't notice that they had to cancel their gym...
membership...cuz they're still try'n to pull off that sparkly crop top that they bought on their first trip to Saint-Tropez in their 20 years...without the use of the jaws of life to get it over their head
and yer lucky if you will ever get to meet the photo-chopped fucker on the
other end of the informational highway anyways...cuz the botox bar has been raised so damn high...that they're terrified someone might notice
when and if ya finally do...they're usually try'n to recreate the image they sent ya by pose'n like some sorta age defy'n egyptian hieroglyphic when
you open the front door...just to satisfy yer obvious desperate yearn'n to be acknowledged by a warm blooded entity...in person...at the very least...you have a chance to start an actual conversation...online...it's just all about delete...delete...delete!
and speak'n of my own experiences...it's no surprise that viagra sales are soar'n thru the roof when all the things that make a date with a new mo' interest'n these days are reduced to a simple formula of boredom and
regret...oh and ps...btw...they ought to be personally erect'n a life size crucifix with my name on it...cuz 30 years ago...i was one of thee original governmental test bunnies who got that pill approved fer all those long'n fer erect-creational pleasures
so they to could be energized til the wee hours of the morn'n
well...not too long ago a while back...i received an email from some online porker with an ax to grind with me...who i never had met...that i can recall
from 10 years ago apparently...i thought...oh...what perfect time'n!
lett'n me know that i looked like (and this is a direct quote) "a moron wear'n your shades" thru the downtown mousetrap systems on my daily
breaks...cuz non verbal communicative passive aggressive behavior is so much more effective and alot more easier form of communication to understand these days (and annoyingly acceptable i might add) with almost everyone...than actually have'n to say face to face "ummm...wanna fuck?"
don't EVEN get me started on unreturnable texts in a timely manner
and you know it's sad...when some green mile look'n change collector...
scouts you out in the skyway on yer many mindless walks...look'n fer enough coinage to get him and his 3 made up kids back to some made up home far far away...but it happens on a daily basis from a merried of other story tellers...yer just conditioned to ignore their request...only to be belittled and berated by them as you keep walk'n by...but fer once it almost made me wanna run to the closest ATM as he caps off his verbal tyrannosaurus tirade with these eloquently body tingle'n words
(i said A-L-M-O-S-T)
"oooiiie...fer a white boy that's some fine ass...i'll tap that any day!" it's like the biggest compliment i'll remember fer as long as i can
(i said A-L-M-O-S-T)
basically...it breaks down like this...
online meet-n-greets are like stars from the 2nd cast of Designing Women
no matter how funny Jan Hooks and Julia Duffy were...they would never be able to live up to the originals...
cuz they were no Delta Burke or Jean Smart
may be...is much better than try'n to read a wreck wait'n to happen on-line!
i may have unwillingly surrendered to the online hook up these days...
but i refuse...let me repeat that fer the kittens in the back...REFUSE to surrender my heels...so get over it already!
cuz when ya break it down in the end desperado's...guys in their 20's want
guys in their 40's...who want guys in their 30's...who want guys in their 50's...who want guys in their 20's...and all i want to do is get a damn cocktail before loose'n my dignity to any legal aged box
apparently is...get this..."ILLEGAL"...plus it gets a bit spendy and is too much trouble try'n to guess the ratio to body frame
it's human nature...we all possess that undeniable animal instinct...yo'
if you want it...just ask...i just might...if not...don't worry abod' it...but puhleez...GET OFF MY DRESS!
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