picture it kittens...the year was 1998 and MISS CICCONE had ushered in
a whole new hair color...a whole new religious cult of red string limp wristed gluten free kabbalah zombie's (that would only last until she dropped her next album before they would cut the string) and a whole new electronical beat with her hauntingly chilly somber hit "
FROZEN" that was the 1st of many masterpieces off her 7th studio album "
RAY OF LIGHT" which had swept the musical world away like some sensational synthesized tsunami at sea
Jack and Rose froze their collective asses off on a piece of plywood float'n on the ocean in the chilliest blockbuster of the year "TITANIC" and i chilled out at Peetrinella's palace once a week with a couple of cocktails and a not so frozen pizza watch'n 4 ballsy...non woke...sexually infused women on the sexist sensational series "SEX AND THE CITY"
25 years later after 6 beyond brilliantly written seasons...2 very over the
top movies and one reboot season (that was annoyingly "too woke" at times) already in the bag...the cosmo queens are back at it once again with their silver anniversary of the season 2 reboot of "AND JUST LIKE THAT" this week with a few sensational surprises added with the 1st bein the return of my fav-o-rit of Carrie's 60 some boyfriend's thru-out the series...Aidan Shaw BUTT...look away
if you don't wanna hear about the triumphant return of the holy grail of
the series...everyone's fav-o-rit unapologetic succulent damsel of the dicklickers...the fuck machine with the fancy Fendi bag...SAMANTHA JONES...though my Krystal balls tell me she only agreed to appear on the actual cliffhanger...off set...with none of the ladies who lunch around her (i'm sure fer bookoo bucks) however i say good fer her...she totally deserves it...i'll take SAMANTHA's saucy sass anyway i can
so now that that's outta the way...get yerself a ticket to the catch-up train
and lets go back a year to 1997 by click'n here fer pt. 1 and here fer pt. 2 and now back to my program
with literally only milliseconds to rearrange my entire thought process
or just walk off the fuck'n set all together...i was given the go ahead to burst thru the stage doors with a big smile on my face and some sass in my ass so that's exactly what i did and worked that stage like a hungry hooker on a 2 fer one special downtown on a late friday nite
after make'n my entrance and sashay'n my A double snakes clear across
to the center of the stage...i noticed on the upper portion behind my seat were 2 judges on cheap look'n Ashley furniture bar stools..one bein some local radio host i guess who looked like RANDY JACKSON's illegitimate cousin from Ipanema and MONROE from 80's brain aneurysm humored sitcom "TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT" played by that tulip sniff'n JIM J BULLOCK
once JENNY had introduced me to the audience and proceeded to pay
me her paltry pleasantries after i sat down...me and DAVE would "exchange" our words that we were fed earlier with Dave absolutely stunn'n me by say'n that my co-workers were sick of me "come'n to work every day in drag" which literally i had only done once in my life when i won a $200 gift certificate at BUCA restaurant fer the hweenie costume contest with all the corporate big wig pigs as CHER fer the very 1st time in the "BELIEVE" look which include the headdress she wore in the video that i had handmade completely from scratch outta fiber optic tubagge...half a softball sized styrofoam ball...a bag of glitter and a glue gun (all fer under $3) which i might add wasn't even until a year after film'n my trainwreck of an episode and i might also add i had used my entire winn'ns on 7 of my co-workers fer a nite on the town... well...i decided to opt outta the "staged" response the producers wanted poured outta my over drawn lips...instead i simply replied with a line from "ELVIRA MISTRESS OF THE DARK" movie "nice jacket...who shot the couch?" (which was completely lost on the lobotomized acid wash jeaned audience i might add)
i figered since i was fed the "talk to the hand...blah blah blah" bullshit
by the producer...i'm sure Dave was probably given the same feed'n as well so i just played along with it the best i could without come'n off as some deranged breakdown (the wanna PRODIGY kid was mercilessly crucified by the judges and the audience so of course the camera man hadda zoom in when he was gonged to hell and i could see him well'n up with the water works try'n his damndest not to break the dam on camera)
after the 1st break i was told to do a runway walk-off with the lame model
they had hired from shag-a-skank stripper emporium once we were back from break (since i was now apparently vy'n desperately to be the new CINDY CRAWFORD after all) so i played along with their shady charade and figered it'd be good tv since i knew my throat plunger was securely stapled to my back and once i made it to the center of the stage...i pulled a 360 and gave the audience an eyeful!
after our interview with JENNY was over...she had turned to the planet
of the ostentatious audience members sitt'n beneath my presence (exactly where they belonged) and asked them who should get the make-over to which they cheered of course fer the siliconed "Ginger" wannabe and then fer me since we had the highest audience reaction and judge's scores
so we were escorted off immediately and basically give'n a 15 minute make-over back stage while they fed ritalin filled bananas to the audience so they wouldn't attack us i'm guess'n when we returned
lemme just say how utterly traumatical this make-over experience was fer
lil ol' me...while the jovial spiced maxi pad sat in her make-up chair as they rearranged her DNA to look like some 80's mall rat...3 ostentatious ugnaughts stripped me down to my barely there dignity...1 pinned me into an oversized suit jacket and slacks combo with a complimentary blouse and neck tie from men's warehouse's 75% off rack to fit my then 29 inch waist...another ripped off my wig and colored my locks from elephant piss yellow that it was at the time to a mickey mousey brown...while the last one literally sand blasted my unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe make-up off and reshalacked my mug in all man make-up (i hadda fight with the fuck'n hot as hell make-up artist to include my beauty mark cuz it's been my security blanket since i was 16...though he said it made me look too...get this...feminine!)
AS IF!
15 minutes later i was back on stage in my rented pinned up penguin suit
once again bein' judged by the judges and the audience...with JENNY curiously ask'n me "you look good in that look MATTRESS...do you even own a suit?" to which i so impishly replied "only if i go to a funeral!" and JIM J BULLOCK blurted out "you should wear suits more often!" as the camera man called it a wrap and we all walked off stage left
Jim tried his best copacabana moves on me backstage and though i'm
sure he still had some connections he could connect me to in hollywierd (were his moves successful) be that as it may i was no one's showgirl with yellow feathers in my hair even if my dress was cut way down to there
we were told we would get a phone message when our episode would air
as we collected our belong'ns and headed back to O'hare wait'n patiently fer our flight to take off
that halloweenie i couldn't decide what to wear to the bars so at the last
minute i decided to breathe life back into my “iconic” look and threw back on my naughty nurse outfit once again and as i wait patiently outside the Slutoon to get inside someone's mind...a guy dressed as a deranged easter bunny who was on a party bus that was stuck in downtown hweenie traffic...leaned out the window and yelled "hey ain't you the hot nurse from THE JENNY JONES SHOW? you were fuck'n awesome on it!"
2 weeks later i got a call from the producers inform'n me that my sassy
appearance on the show got good feedback and was asked to return fer another episode...however...i decided that my dignity was worth way more than just a $50 bar tab...greet'ns from the park'n lot welcome wagon and a free limo ride to and from the studio...so that would be the last time my perforated panties would ever prance on another tacky talk show stage ever again...
now GET OFF MY DRESS!
