my moments of Meryl...in peril

i've had many oscar winn'n Meryl moments thru-out my unintentionally

internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe career...pre and post

like that one time when i took the head of the football team at my high school back in the ancient rowman times of the 8o's (without gett'n any head i might add) to court fer meticulously and maliciously chopp'n a section of my quaff off...

it felt exactly like that time when GOLDIE attacked MERYL fer her obvious sheer beauty in "DEATH BECOMES HER" though i was bequeathed a much smaller paycheck than MERYL...recieve'n only $37.50 fer my anguishable performance outta the $2500 i thought i was rightfully owed under the law (hey...i was only 17 that was supposed to be my meal ticket outta dodge)

then there was that time in the late early 90's when i was a guinea pig

fer the government fer a boat load of cash thanx to my very dear dear pill pusher PEETRINELLA so i could sail away to China in a little rowboat just to find her but she said she had to get her laundry clean and i just ended up with a boat load of sleep'n disorders

you know...almost exactly like that time when MERYL hadda get her stomach pumped thanx to the one fuckable QUAID brother fill’n her full of QUAIDludes in "POSTCARDS FROM THE EDGE"

BUTT unfortunately... 

i never got no damn visit from SHIRLEY MACLAINE!

 

of course how could anyone ferget that time in the mid summer of the 00's

when i was cohorced...chloroformed and kidnapped fer a weekend in the northern woods of MN by the Lousie to my Thelma...me and her precious pooch were lured aboard their SS mini Minnow with cheap bottom shelf swill by her and her dasturdly henchman to drift down the caspian sea...i think (i don't really know cuz the chloroform had me a bit fuzzy of the details and my whereabouts all weekend) 

until her pooch found a moment when our captors weren't pay'n attention as i distracted them with an irish jig so the pooch could fly over board like a moth on meth...swim down stream and scribble indegenous sign language on a rock fer my plan of escape

to a tee what MERYL hadda almost endure in the bone chill'n camp'n adventure "THE RIVER WILD" 

starr'n that golden globe'n hot to trot slice of sizzle'n BACON and that one annoy'n pre-teen pustule in the lalapalooza cap

now i want you to open yer eyes and visualize...i mean come on now...

like yer life is that unbearably excite'n at this mere moment in time (get real...yer here read’n about ME aren't ya?) besides you made it this far...you might as well finish read'n this ghastly gibberish unless of course you have some pumped up thong in spectacles that reads to you s-l-o-w-l-y every nite...now picture it...

it's 2021 last week and there i was as octo-auntie with one tentacle wrapped around my newly born great niece VIOLETTE MOON (awww how presh!) while bounce'n her on my lap...with another tentacle rigorously research'n fer my next hard hitt'n maestro piece blog all while shovel'n the savory mexican slop prepared by my lovely relation...only to find out 3 days later that said lovely relation had tested positive fer the COVID...most likely caught from her recent trip to VEGAS (the windy city of brotherly love that never sleeps)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

of course i was absofuckinglutely flabbergasted by this revelation since i was around them 3 times since they returned so i knew i unfortunately would have to get tested and my mind immediately imagined myself in MERYL's peril with her rivet'n portrayal of the true life story about nuclear whistleblower Karen Silkwood in "SILKWOOD" you know the scene i’m referr'n to kittens...where Karen sets off the radiation alarms due to her exposure after clean'n up her work space from a mini bday soirée

and i just felt it in my bones that i would be accosted by some anal probe-happy floor monitor with tourettes use'n a gigantic non hypo-allergenic industrial strength brillo pad to scrub me down like a Qanon's Facebook page all while douche'n me out with very chilled himalayan water like a common concubine as they jam an elongated cotton swab up my sniffer 

luckily fer me...i just hadda spit...not swallow (which you should ALWAYS do with heavy meat eaters...i’m just say’n...ever try gett’n that horrid after taste of clorox bleach...old man stew and brisket off yer breath?)

thankfully my results came back in my favor and here's a lil side note...ain't it funny have'n a negative attitude won't give you a positive outlook on life...

but after test'n negative that's actually a positive thing in life so chew on that and puhleez wear the damn mask and one last thing...though i may never get as many Oscar nods as MERYL has...at least i’m COVID FREE!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

DICKSTRACTION ACTION

when you desperately need to "distract" the masses with lobotomized

asses...cuz yer poles numbers are sink'n faster than yer morals...leave it to our unfortunate morbidly obese (thanx fer that Nancy) mentally deranged lie'n corrupt bloated sack of orange pig shit with the cottage cheesed ass...to act like a lil bitch...all cuz of PRESIDENT OBAMA's articulate and positive graduation speech last week fer the class of 2020 that garnered more neilsen rate'ns than any of his rallies from his destructive reign of terror over the past almost 4 years

i was completely worn out by all his BS and decided to distract myself with

my well worn out copy of the greatest hits by Heather Lockier to help lift my spirits...since my cabinet was currently outta those "special" spirits...

BUTT of course...it wasn't happen'n!

luckily fer you kittens...i'm gonna dickstract you with somethin just a lil

more eye popp'n than political poetry this week!

almost 3 months into lockdown now and i was rack'n my brains as to who

would be thee most interest'n person on the planet to distract yer dismal minds in these desperate times and take part in another interview that i haven't conducted in some time now...here at the orafices of GET OFF MY DRESS! i wanted it to be with someone who's been affected by the current state we're live'n in...so i tossed out a bucket of chum into the unisver to see who would bite..and much to my surprise...it was a nice unexpected surprise!

i tried gett'n in touch with TARA READE...but i didn't wanna touch her with anyone’s 10 foot pole

and i completely had fergotten that FARRAH FAWCETT was no longer with us

so i was beyond elated when i got a response back from the star of such

sinfully saucy classics like L.A. CRUISING...

and was absolutely riveted by the hard hitt'n action in COCK HAMMER

you got it kittens...today i'm sitt'n down with the deliciously delectable

throat plunge’n legend himself...TEX DAVIDSON

thanx a mill fer return'n my call TEX...so lets just dive right in...shall we? how were you discovered to go under the covers as an adult entertainer?

i was discovered on FACEBOOK actually

CHI CHI LARUE reached out as well as CHRIS CRISCO to whom became my manager for a short time before i started getting my own gigs

with all yer throngs of thongs you've destroyed thru-out yer illustrious career...what made you decide to hang up yer jock strap fer good?

the reason i left the industry was it was time, why not leave while you're on top! some of these guys make it a career. i had bigger plans for myself.

somehow i ended up follow'n you on twitter a while back...i'll admit it...it's yer eyes...they're like tractor beams...you were the death star...and i was the millenium falcon pulled in with no way to escape so i twatted you the day i found out you were outta comish cuz you contracted the current dreadful disease...so in yer own words...can you tell my savvry stalkers that follow me thru-out the planet about yer experience with the COVID?

my experience with COVID, lets just say it's not fun, it's something to take very seriously. i am not out of the woods yet. it's lonely. i was hopitalized for almost a week and a half with no visitors and only allowed to see the nurses 3 times a day and 3 times a night.

luckily my family and friends facetimed me to help me stay positive, no pun! after i was released from the hospital i now have to be quarentined for 14 days before i get tested again and hopefully test negative.

i experienced a seizure as well as a stroke, the doctors could not do my MRI or the EEG to figure out if those were related to the COVID. once i tested negative i will be able to proceed with the MRI and EEG so please take every precaution to stay safe. just because states are reopening doesn't mean this is all over

well...i think it's safe to say...that if TEX DAVIDSON tells you this COVID ain't nothin' to fuck around with...you outta listen kitten and speak'n of not fuck'n around anymore...now that yer outta the adult entertainment world can you tell us a lil bit about yer new adventure into the world of design?

my new adventure in the design world has always been a dream of mine and in just one phone call my dreams had come true. i moved to Dallas and i work for a great design firm and i am building my name up and branding myself to become one of Dallas's Designers.

my company is not only a design firm but we also stage luxury multi million dollar homes for the real estate industry

now we've come to the part of the interview i like to call "can we talk about ME fer a change?" basically TEX...you can ask me ANYTHING you want under the rainbow you want to know about a complete random stranger like myself (well...except about rainbows...cuz that's just fuck'n lazy journalism)

what's the craziest thing you want to do when this pandemic is over?

well...though i'm known as a bit of a "tooth chipper" in town myself  TEX

i think i'm gonna treat myself with my COVID cash and take the TEX challenge by goin fer a ride on yer replica...WHY NOT! (insert evil grin here) if you wanna feel the TEX experience all up in yer cavernous cornhole yerself...order his thick throat plunger fer yer very own pleasure here  among many other must have TEX DAVIDSON products...maybe even splurge as gifts fer friends...family...or even granny (if her time clock is still tick’n)

i wanna thank the ever incredible legendary TEX DAVIDSON fer take'n

 time outta his quarentined quarters to shoot the shit with me...and wanna wish you a complete speedy recovery along with best wishes on yer new adventures in the world of design...if yer a twatter...follow TEX on twitter @ https://twitter.com/texdavidsonxxx?lang=en

now GET OFF MY DRESS!