THE GREAT PIPE HYPE pt 2

hey kittens...have you ever gotten that not so fresh feel'n...like you were

bein' WATCHED? well get a ticket to the catch-up train by click'n here fer THE GREAT PIPE HYPE pt 1 (cuz i ain't relive'n it all over again just fer you) before we leave the station to yer next destination...and now the excruciate'n conclusion to THE GREAT PIPE HYPE pt. 2

i rummaged feverishly thru the tan Hermes briefcase look'n fer a contact

number to contact the hopeful owner of said bag with my one hand...while i waited fer the paint to dry on the other...HOWEVER...all i could find was the name "LARRY" printed in bold helvetica font on a blank antique egg shell colored business card along with a phone number

so i immediately contacted Beatrice down at the local phone company 

and had her patch me thru to this "LARRY" fella though first off of course all she wanted to go on to me about was her infected toilet parts before segway'n into how she felted cheated by the 3 bean salad at last sundays church social that her dear friend Marcella brought cuz all she could honestly taste were 2 distinct flavored beans apparently...nonetheless...after several more minutes dicuss'n the mass differences between her rheumatitis and my patience...she patched me thru...

unfortunately all i got was his voice mail so i left him a simple yet effective message with my number...along with my inseam size and coordinates to my multiple personalities and to call me back at his earliest convenience (as long as i'm not bein inconvenienced)

curiosity was sett'n in as i was sett'n my hair...who could this LARRY be?

would this be someone like 60's sex symbol major Nelson Riley from "I DREAM OF JEANIE" played by veteran character actor Larry Hagman? (who gave me major wood in reruns back in the 80's)

or could it be 1/3 of the comedic trio involve'n those bumblin' brothers from "THE THREE STOOGES" Larry Fine? (then i realized he died 20 years earlier after a quik google search)

i didn't really care to be honest...as long as it wasn't...

some colostomitic call-in host that resembled that bag of bones bein held together by his suspenders  and Ron Popeil spray paint fer the follically challenged...Larry King

BUTT anyways...

2 hours later as i was flipp'n thru my latest issue of INCHES magazine...

there would be a mysterious knock at my front door so i jumped gingerly off my crushed green velvet couch and opened the door to see who it was...and trust me when i say i was absolutely blown away...cuz the gentleman caller looked just like the spitt'n image stunt double to Mel Gibson...straight off the set of Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome

well...i don't have to tell you...i was a smitten kitten!

well...i immediately invited him inside from the rain fer a nite cap without 

realize'n it was only 2 in the afternoon...so of  course i was ready fer some delightful "conversation" cuz my sky rocket was already in flight...thankfully i managed to compose myself and asked him if he was here fer the briefcase

shake'n his head...in his loosely fit beige slacks...he threw me a devilish 

lil grin and with the raise of his sweaty left brow...i knew right away this was not gonna end in a simple handshake (nor did i want it to)

he had a bit of an agenda of his own that i would soon come to find out

he told me that he enjoyed watch'n me perform on stage fer the past month at the Gay 90's and then he would proceed to follow me a few times a nite as i waited patiently fer the metro transit #4 to take me home until i was dropped off 2 blocks from my shithole before he would devise his deviously devilish plan to get my attention...though i should'a been shocked as shit he told me all this...i have to admit...i was a bit turned on by my middle of the nite stalker

as he drew himself closer and closer into my own personal bubble...i felt

the restless natives down below dance'n in my danger zone...as his chest burst free from his blazer...i could smell the intoxicate'n blend of irish spring body soap and just a simple spicy spritz of Drakkar Noir putt'n me under his spell

i felt like a sacrificial kitten in my lamb skinned nighty (that was remarkably open) absolutely helpless to resist and really...why the fuck would i?

the dam was ready to burst on his britches as my newly acquired stalker

 was ready to deflower me so he asked me if i had ever had "daddy dick" as he slowly unzipped (he was old enough to be my parental guardian since i was 25 after all) his mammoth mouth water'n manwich flopped out (the first encounter i ever had with a legendary "throat plunger")

 i swear this king kong cock had it's own area code and landing strip...if he

had a twin brother i totally could'a learned how to do the double dutch finally...unfortunately i had awkwardly explained to him...

that my dad had passed away from leukemia when i was 9 and pedophelia wasn't really his thing (ps...total boner killer if you start talk'n about yer dead dad when there's a throbb'n prick present)

so he hadda quickly explain in his best deep throated JEFF STRYKER porn voice to me that he was only talk'n specifically about role play'n banter to which i had never been privy to yet in my litany of liaisons at the time (which were few and far between the sheets) so the next thing i knew...

sorry kittens...this is where yer unsalted altered unilateral imagination will be kick'n in 

(so cum to yer own dirty lil cockclusions)

in the end it turns out that the great pipe hype was just my type...and even 

though my dangerous liaison wasn't THAT dangerous after all (just a lil eepy cree) i met him 3 more times...in 3 more ways...albeit never in a 3way...should i have? well that's all u need to know i guess...

now GET OFF MY DRESS! 

ONE fer THE RECORD BOOK pt. 1

anniversaries are like assholes when you think of it...everyone has one 

whether it's regard'n a glorious matrimonial experience...

or some unfortunate colossally tragic event! 

unfortunately...though some many be worth remember'n... 

others just turn into a heap'n pile of steamy shit and there ain't no hallmark card to cover it up (unless of course you have connections to britain's M15...allegedly...A-L-L-E-G-E-D-L-Y i said!)

well after a year and a half of eat'n bonbon's and make'n my debut in the

much anticipated 80's chiller thriller of the year "TELEPHONE" in 2021 which is already an instant classic i've been told... 

by the lollipop guild live'n inside my head i FINALLY got a weekly deposit (HEY keep it cleans kittens kapeesh!)  fer the past 3 months back in my old stomp'n grounds that i so desperately needed since my piggy bank was starve'n marvin 

so it's time fer my to pull up my culottes and train my brain to get back

 on my normal ritualistic sunday nite schedule of a st. ives mint julip mud mask...followed by a 15 minute "routine" of tea bagg'n the dollar store sacks under my almond shaped bedroom brown eyes...buff'n down those unsightly hooves with some borax and a high powered sander and a "special" cuppa cocoa to settle the restless natives down below fer a much needed restless nite

well this week i decided to take a walk down my misery lane of the date'n

pool in my blog ramblins' and celebrate the 12th anniversary of one of my most iritate'nly exasperate'n dates i've ever had to date that had the pleasure to be in the presence of thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe (without so much as collect'n a gift or some simple canned goods i might add) though this time i've added a much needed pictorial car wreck to make it a much more aggravate'n yet an invite'n amuse'n read so give it another run thru again or perhaps yer just read'n  it fer the 1st time...with that in mind i hope you enjoy my anally reductive car crash from 2011...on with the show!

with all the hoopla goin' on in my naturally born...single...non heterosexual 

life these days...filled with the 3B's...bar's...booze and boy's (turns into the 3M's after 50...metamucil...Matlock reruns and mens-a-pause) that i'd almost fergotten what it was like to concentrate solely on just ONE person...besides myself...fer a change

mainly cuz i'm reminded recently...on a daily basis...how utterly frustrate'n 

it can be...by friends and family members...who are...fer a lack of a better word...completely JEALOUS of my apparent chosen life (ya won't find me in the freezer section of yer fav-o-rit grocery store at 9 pm frantically look'n for that chemically injected cookie dough for the next PTA meet'n anytime soon cuz yer too damn tired to make em yerself!)

oh...i don't mean being a mo'...that's "naturally born non heterosexual" 

fer  those still spitt'n their copenhagen in a tin can and play'n pocket pool with their "buddies" at the cabin on the weekends with back issues of Megan Fox in the pages of MAXIM magazine...no...i mean choose'n to be SINGLE lifestyle...cuz after all...it is a CHOICE we all make!!

so why is it that i constantly feel the need to give to charity?

i mean...i've give'n to march of dimes...performed free for aids charities over the years...volunteered for the raisin rancher's at any given hospice...consoled the socially retarded...chemically dependent...and emotionally unavailable mo's...when is enough...ENOUGH?

recently...a while ago...i decided it was time to venture into unknown 

territory again for another charitable act of the week (most call it a date) to the outer reaches of my planet called C-H-C-H-C-H-A-S-K-A!! (it might as well have been on the planet HOTH)

this guy i'd been chatt'n to the other nite...a while ago...YES…i’m still on 

the phone line from time to time (though fer narcoleptically entertainmental purposes only) anyways....he tells me he's 38 years old with 3 grown kids with one bein' a mo' still live'n with him and said he (my date) had been compared to a member of the GLEE club...so i'm think'n...OK...they're all pretty good look'n and my type (well...those of the male persuasion of course...after all...i am just a gurl) and if they were older of course (my babysitt'n days are O-V-E-R!) so we both decided to finally meet at his place the next nite around 7 pm for a movie before i went back to count'n sheep fer the remainder of my sleep deprivation

BUTT wait...lemme break it down fer ya...one by one!

first off...as i'm drive'n to what-the-hell-am-i-think'n land...i called to 

confirm directions as i would never venture out on a school nite this far (especially when it was as frigid and uncomfortable as Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman mack'n it up in EYES WIDE SHUT) but he tells me i'm close so he was gonna jump in the shower and his son would let me in

i make it to his place and of course no doorbell in my immediate sight to

ring and i was in no mood to go on a scavenger hunt look'n for one so his son notices me out the window and opens the garage door and seconds later up came the garage door...i felt like C-3PO wait'n to enter Jabba’s lair

secondly...the son was like a mini version of Johnny Depp from the 

"21 JUMP STREET" days...all tattooed up in the correct places...black baggy pants with a match'n black shirt with the top button slightly open...just enough to expose the beginn'n of "someone's" imaginational thoughts (keep me outta it)

i'm not into curly fries and wash'n it down with a bottle of zima and a tv crew

though we had some things in common...while i was wear'n safety pins 

in the 80's to look cool...he was wear'n 'em to stay dry...i was here to see his dad...not be his "daddy" nonetheless i was guess'n the apple fell off a good tree so i wasn't gonna push the panic button yet...maybe it was worth the drive after all and he was super polite too (somethin' i can freely admit...i am not at times) he leads me to the top floor of the town home where it reeked of burbanite city

you know...that smell of Costco overstock pre-packaged crap to eat...

Wickes furniture...Chuck Norris gym equipment that never was used and burnt out glade plug in's...still plugged in...though i reminded myself...not everyone can have a flair fer design this was just a date so i bit my tongue and saved my judgemental judyness comments...fer now!

i tried to push the eject button on the date but i couldn't escape the son's 

gravitational pull...he was cook'n some ramen noodleness (while undress'n me with his eyes) and since he had "GLEE" on in the kitchen we chatted about that and how cool that they had a musical tv series and he couldn’t stop admire'n and gush'n about my attire i had on (HELLO!...have you seen me?) i couldn't either if i wasn't already me (ummm...insert laugh here) i totally felt like i was a passenger aboard the can-it-get-any-better-than-this airlines

thirdly...but then it happened...*mayday*mayday*mayday*...you may now 

use your seat as a flotation device...we are experience'n a major malfucktion...i no longer felt like C-3PO but more like Princess Leia shackled to Jabba’s throne!! my date...WALKED IN!!

fourthly...we'll go with 38 first...while i was actually 38 in 2008...he was 

38 in like 1968! well ok...maybe that's a bit of a stretch and possibly a lil shallow (we ALL do it on 1st dates all you finger pointers so put 'em away) let's just say use'n Milton Burle mud masks on a weekly basis since you were what? like 12...not sooo good! (i just want you to close yer eyes and visualize it kittens)

ok...so maybe he wasn't lie'n about being compared to a cast member of 

"GLEE"...i just wasn't picture'n the lezbitronic football coach in my fantasy date and believe me when i say...i'm being kind here

he looked more like Miss Jane Hathaway...who'd been bitch slapped by

a coke habit fer the better part of the 90's in bad 80’s low ride'n acid wash jeans...a crappy 70's football jersey made for the jolly green giant and still uses the same  plastic hair bag with punch holes to pull his hair thru by nice'not-so'easy hair color'n kit to give yerself that unsuspect'n high lite job (the only good thing i can say about his appearance is that i'm glad he recycles!) plus he had marinated himself in enough paco raban that could'a choked the life outta a hippopotamus...however i figured...since i was already there i might as well just suffer thru the movie

so we went with KALIFORNIA with Brad Pitt and Juliette Lewis...why not!

at least i could look at somethin’ hot...since i forgot my compact in the car...HA!

feel free to take a breathier at this point...make yerself a cocktail...then 

strap yourself in for the second half of my anniversary next week...now GET OFF MY DRESS!