A PHISH FRY

i've never a big fan of shoot'n the shit on a lazy weekend sipp'n on a cold 

24pack of elephant piss with yer posse while ripp'n out the jaws of our featherless friends in any given body of water with a bucket of chum fer fun...i'd rather drink drano shots and stick tooth picks in my toe nails to be honest

fer most of us that grew up durin' the 1970's our best friend was a polished

pebble that you'd tell all yer deepest darkest desires to fer a full summer...name 'em either Paulie...Petunia or Mr. Puss depend'n of course on the amount of nifty narcotics the fallopian curly slide carry'n you had consumed durin' yer conception before toss'n 'em into a puddle of piss in yer back yard

by the time you'd hit high school in the 1980's yer friends were determined

by the clicks you'd attach yerself to whether it be a brain...an athlete...a basket case...a princess or a criminal who would become glued to yer hips til graduation 

in the 1990's yer new circle of friends would rearrange as would yer DNA

while you racked up an impressive STD count desperately try'n to focus on yer career and yer causes

once the new millennium rolled around you've decided you'd had yer fair 

share of runn'n around and tried to settle down cling'n onto the handful of friends that hadn't O.D.'d  yet or ended up in a beautifully designed Balenciaga blouse with the straps that fastened in the back live'n in a 10x12 padded room listen'n to THE SINGING NUN "DOMINIQUE" on heavy rotation that you could count on in a crisis while reconnect'n with a few sprinkle'ns from yer past

unfortunately once you've hit yer prime those that you've reluctantly left in yer rolodex consist'n mainly of drunk nite dicks and dried up diaphragms

from yer past that you'd loosely call yer "close friends" at one point that you yerself would call upon periodically to check in on them and catch up with over drinks and some dried out nibbley's from time to time cuz they were too inconsiderate to bake a lovely peach pie to share while shoot'n the shit sadly have now used every excuse in the book to not be bothered with yer incessant check-ups by return'n the favor with a meaningless text to rinse themselves of any guilt like "awwww i was just think'n of you"..."awww i was just gonna call you" to "awww most definitely let's get together soon" and everyone's  fav-o-rit "who is this again?" which leads you to end up have'n to find yerself a whole new batch of booze'em buddies to become yer plus one at yer next AA prom nite

so there i was one early morn'n durin' one of my many in the middle of the

nite piddle parades before covid reeked havoc on my schedule...jump'n back into my coffin to try and count a few more sheep before sunrise which rarely ever happens instantly fer me so i'd log online to see what wise crack heads or colostomy bags were awake fer a lil chitter chatter and on this particular early morn'n instantly i'd received a smile emoji from some age appropriate silver surfer after logg'n in and decided to bite by respond'n appropriately...3 hours later my response was just simple syrup as i made my sacrificial meatloaf 

(ps my responses are in a burnt apricot shade fyi)

though after wait'n 5 minutes or so fer a response when no interaction happened…

it just so happened that i had still felt like the lollipop guild was doin the neutron dance on top of my noggin so i lowered the covers on my coffin and started count'n down the 100 bottles of beer on the wall (that i should'a never consumed) til my eyeball awnings dropped

about an hour and half later i would once again rise from my sleepless

nite and logged back on to notice a response from my new narcoleptic napper so we exchanged the proverbial plausible pleasantries

BUTT of course...

mister man would skip the pleasantries and get right to the point of which

i can totally appreciate and was perfectly fine with me since i was only look'n fer a lil bit of back and forth banter that early morn'n anyways

til i hadda run and get my home lobotomy perm from the next door neighbor who'd already moved out 12 years earlier 

hmmm errands? that's sorta an odd request i had never been asked yet

before nonetheless inquire'n minds wanted to know...ya know...WHY NOT? so i chomped on the bucket of chum from my new buffed up bum plus it'd get my outta the house and i could finally cross off my one charitable act of the year

he had now caught my attention and i could only hope this would bring 

me some fuck'n good luck fer a change since i never got to cash in on my alter boy days like all those other lucky fuckers did!

dammit all to fuck'n H-E-double hockey stix...NOT AGAIN!

well...so much fer a glimmer of hope with my newly acquired middle of the nite casanova though i wasn't about to let him off the hook just yet cuz my barrel was 10 days loaded and was beyond ready to bust all over his mug

as much as i wanted to grasp on the tiny glimmer of hope he might'a been actually real...i knew i needed a story fer the follow'n week so i figered this was my opportunity to show off my creative write'n skills of course

though i was absofuckinlutely beside myself when he didn't get the references however it narrowed down where they were most likely contact'n me from 

don't they teach you when you should really pack up yer chrome book 

and abort yer phish'n expedition in the Czech Republic or Mozambique anymore? that's like phish'n 101 i'd think

though i really should consider myself lucky that i don't like zima on ice

 with a big mac and a side of hot~n~spicy curly fries

so since my savvy suitor couldn't quite understand my southern charm...i decided to spell it out fer him as i wept wish'n him all the best on his next 

victim filled adventure hope'n someone somewhere would bequeath him his request with a bounty of gift cards more than he could ever imagine...

then i promptly reported his profile to the proper penial denial authorities

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

TOXIC TENDENCIES pt 2

it's rare i get moved by anyone new in the music industry these days...but

i stumbled across the cool smooth style'ns from this stunn'n corn whack'n bedroom eyed babe from fairfield iowa...ELI LIEB (though turns out i guess he's been around fer the past 10 years...thanx WIKIPEDIA) in any case...fer those unaware of his pipes...check out his love song fer those young tulip sniffers with the hope of somethin' real happen'n in "YOUNG LOVE"

and his stripped down haunt’n cover of MILEY CYRUS's "WRECKING BALL" gave me the chills...get the rest of his music here

this week's explosive episode is brought to you by the maker's of  LYSOL

when ya wanna eliminate that ugly taste that's been fester'n in the back of yer mouth fer years...or just gift a can and give it to yer fav-o-rit brain dead lobotomized anal wart republicunt in yer life...WH approved!

get a ticket to the catch up train here with pt 1 of TOXIC TENDENCIES...

and now the excrutiate'n conclusion to TOXIC TENDENCIES pt 2

well...i knew at this point...even though i had deleted my comment from 

his blister'n visceral slash'ns towards me that morn'n...and resent it to thee actual intended party...the damage had already been done 

though to be honest...it needed to be said to him once and fer all cuz he was gett'n too close to Norman Bates territory...OVER A PIC!

i knew he would have SOMETHIN' to say about said text and i was not wrong...though lemme clarify my rebuttal a bit more than i did that day

cuz i was in no mood to keep this convo goin any longer...this was the 1st time i had ever screen shot ANY of his convo's with me (it was just easier than retype'n the train wreck texted out to thee intended recipient) cuz everything in his text was gett'n sooo diabolically insane and quite obviously jell-o on his part and completely destructive to the aura colors that i had planned & personally picked out on this particular day to wear...and like any true vanity case...he wanted to get in one last barbie

he would go off on me like a paranoid parrot past their prime steak n cake days...much like a halitosed hooker would to their pimp fer not remember'n their bday bonus...and this...unfortunately...would be the final nail in the coffin fer our mutual 25 year friendship!

now i don't even know where to begin with this?...but i'll break it down fer ya anyways!

OK 1st off...i am ONLY 49.5 years old...he should be well aware of this as a simple google search and a basic fact...since he is just a mere 9 yrs

my senior (it's a well documented fact with all who worked with us years ago when i personally organized & threw him his 40th surprise bday party @ my apt) so i fer one am look'n forward to celebrate my 50th life on this earth later this fall (since my dad...my 2nd youngest brother and my oldest brother unfortunately did not get to have the same privilege as myself)

at the follow up to my smash hit play "GET OFF MY DRESS...love is a drag!" (that this very blog was spawned from 10 years ago) that i am feverishly putt'n together fer the follow-up later this year...simply entitled "GET OFF MY DRESS...love is STILL a drag!" and hope to showcase it on labor day weekend...depend'n on all this COVID crap of course 

(that he may or may not be inadvertently a part of now)

2nd...as far as the not hold'n a job...ummm i've been in bank'n fer 20 yrs

since i was 30 (do the math) and was recently laid off 3 weeks prior to all this COVID bullshit (along with 5 other tempers) cuz the company decided to downsize our department...it's not unheard of...it's just an annoy'n part of life!

though i do recall years back when i left my management position @ the same gym we were both mgrs at...to pursue my entertainment career...

that i subsequently ended abruptly (a whole nother story that will see the light some day) unfortunately though when i reapplied fer my same position back...a lil birdy in his 70's called me personally at home one nite to inform me you told management not to hire me back...hmmmm...wonder why that was? 

(it turned out ok kittens...the corporate office took me back instead...pay'n me more benjie's than what i was previously make'n anyways)

3rd...use'n people fer money? yea it's called employment...i do the work...

i expect to get paid by the people that are use'n me to fulfill their bosses bottom line...just like...oh let's say fer instance...a bartender who expects to get tips when serve'n drinks to demand'n patrons or hookers negotiate'n fer a lil extra ching ching if they happen to snag a bank account that wants them fer the entire week!

4th...as far as the cocktails and food yer referr'n to...i can only assume

you mean the many times that you have give'n a kings ransom fer the many cocktails and food you've purchased fer me & yerself over the past 25 years when we've gone out together (without a gun pointed at yer thick skull i might add) though my contributions over the years may have been a bit more on the lower end cuz of my pay scale...i didn't know this was a piss'n contest all of a sudden...hmmm...

i guess it's slipped yer feeble little mind that i was yer own personal UBER

driver without ask'n fer a single dime in petrol when we went out on our many alcoholic excursions over the years...or when you needed a ride to work...or from work fer that matter...or run errands...or take'n you to visit yer dad outta town after yer mother had unfortunately passed away!

HOWEVER...invoke'n my dearly departed aunt Ellen who i absolutely

loved with all my heart...and took care of her fer the last 2 years of her life basically (due to unresolved family issues i will not discuss)  before her unfortunate & untimely tragic pass'n...

shows yer utter lack of empathy & that there is no depth to yer depravity...cuz you knew it had absolutely NOTHING to do with her finances! 

though the same could not be said about you gloat'n fer years to me about yer parents finances and the millions they had that you would inherit some

day...even more so after they both passed...did you brag to yer other friends over the years about their financial status to them? or was it just yer twisted way to make yerself feel better by degrade'n my own less than stellar upbring'n? either case...at this fork in the road...this is the final straw the broke this camels back!

since i don't even follow said stalker on ANY social media sites...

except fer maybe gopluckyerself dot com...though i really haven't logged into that site fer years if i'm bein' perfectly honest here...so i'd have no clue how to log back in anyways so he needn't worry

you wanna think it bothers me that you can't even spell my birth name 

and that i had legally changed mine 25 years ago...well here's the thing callous kitten...i...like many others in this biz called show...change their name legally ALL THE TIME...fer example: 

did you know WILLIAM MICHAEL ALBERT BROAD changed his name?

as did the queen of rock'n'roll Miss ANNA MAE BULLOCK...did'ya huh?...did'ya?

or that CHERILYN SARKISIAN had thee unmitigated gall to be referred to as only one name with no last? most likely due to the fact she didn't wanna get carpet tunnel from sign'n autographs on all those 8-track tapes

and that GEORGE ALAN O'DOWD thought it'd be way super cool to add just a prefix to his name and drop the rest...a total rebel huh?

though singers ain't the only ones try'n to hide from their give'n names...

were you aware that 3 time Oscar award winner was originally referred to by her nana as MARY LOUISE STREEP?

and that NORMA JEANE MORTENSON did not actually pose fer the 1st cover of PLAYBOY like most people thought...huh?

but even though ERMES EFFRON BORGNINO has a line of beauty cream...you might wanna consider not marinate'n it...just say'n!

you can think i’m just poor white trash & all cuz of my up bring’n...but trust me...that’s completely fine with me!

in close'n...thanx fer the 25 years at the very least...but like any bubble...

it will eventually pop...and this one has...

so GET OFF MY DRESS!