URINE FER A BIG SUPRISE!

like everyone in the free world...NEW YEAR'S EVE is suppose to be a nite

 filled with fun...family and/or friends (or both...if yer a complete masochist)...drown’n in bottles of cork popp'n cristal...stupid party hats...and fergett'n yer dignity on someone else’s floor fer a change once the new year flips over...unfortunately...

i was flipp'n off the new year this year...cuddled up in the fecal position...comatoasted on the couch...try'n to muster enough strength to flip open one eyelid and finally start "THE HANDMAID'S TALE" marathon that everyone's been rave'n about...that i recently acquired thru an xmas acquisition

now really kittens...who doesn't like to go out and have a good ol' time...

every now and then  (unless it's court ordered not too of course) and ferget all about their troubles and tribulations from the previous year...and just start off with a fresh uncontaminated slate?

though i'm pretty sure a good time should not end with gett'n pissed off...

or on...well unless that's yer thing!

now i'm not gonna name names…cuz this could've applied to any one of

us really that have experienced situations of despair/regret/sadness/loath'n to any addiction of a family member…a friend…an x (not in any particular order mind you) due to some sorta physical....emotional....mental...substance abuse or plain fuck'n laziness reason'n

i know there were plenty of times i thought i had control of my 21+ beverage of choice…and had made numerous bad decisions…that luckily…suffered no casualties to anyone except my own stupidity one nite

years back (actual photo taken by a professional correctional facility glamour shot photographer...and i have to admit...though sorta a very hot photo (after begg'n fer a 2nd take) i'd much rather have my photographs taken on the outside...trust me...florescent light'n rarely is yer best friend

(i said rarely)

one day i woke up and made the decision to learn from my mistake...

and change any future outcomes of said nite

from turn'n into a massive mistake...hours later!

i never considered myself dependent of any harmful "crutch" per say...

music...dvd's and cloth'n are pretty much my drugs of choice

(not point'n any fingers...just say'n)

and the only one gett'n hurt there is my piggy bank...

but i'm learn'n to deal with that one step at a time!

i can freely admit that i've always been a very fun & flirty social drinker…

though there have been times in the past…

that i knew i was being a bit TOO social at times...but in my own defense...I AM IRISH...

so let it go!

i rarely have stock of any alcoholic beverages in my humble shitbox…

x-cept when entertain'n guests…and all that is not gone by parties end…is given away as a part'n gift by choice cuz i know i have an addictive personality as it is

i've witnessed how out-of-control people in general can get on NYE nite…

and fer the most part...they're just out try'na have a good time...and i'm a pretty easy goin guy...WELL I AM...now hush!

BUTT…(H-E-L-L-O  D-I-N-N-E-R)

instead...this NYE i was forced to recall a past that i would have rather

completely fergotten in particular...where i unfortunately had front row seats to a social butterfly that got stuck in my net...who i'd known fer a minute or more...and how they went from a fun party person…

 to a complete parody…when they mistook my sleep'n quarters...as their own personal flower bed and decided to water the garden the back of my smurf pj's at 5 am one morn'n...many moons ago

now...it all depends really on how you wanna look at the "situation"...

some might say...well...incontinence is just a temporary inconvenience...but fuck it!...this was MY fantasy land that ended with NO happy ferry tail in the end...if you wanted to cum...then you should'a at least come prepared and praised the porcelain gods before turn'n my backside into yer own personal urinal

much like an unplanned pregnancy...i just wanted this to all go away...

without any sorta remembrance of said nite again...unfortunately...that is all that comes to mind whenever there's a run-in with said person when i'm out...and there's no coat hanger that will not cure this situation...so i was stuck with that vinegar stained memory all over my unmemorable foam to remind me i should'a just listened to Nancy in the 80's and remembered to "JUST SAY NO!" to inebriated idiots

UGGGGGGGGGGGGH...NOW GET OFF MY DRESS!

date'n dementia's

i...like many chosen single non heterosexuals...have a plethora of  "drugs" to choose from...when we're choose'n a potential failure as a shipmate...

 and by "drugs"...i mean options!

listen kittens...i paid attention to Nancy in the 80's when she simply said

"JUST SAY NO"

"if i wanna get high...i'll add another inch to my heels"...P-E-R-I-O-D!

so put that in yer crack pipe and smoke it...or better yet...learn to control yer destruction...so you can function at my junction

thee only drug i want any future failure to O.D. on...is ME!

BUTT i digress...

in yer 20's you were judge...jury...executioner...defendant and plaintiff on yer look and what you wore when you went out with yer gaggle of gays and the one token fag hag who felt like the luckiest bitch on the planet

the dollars bill's would flow like a whore with halitosis at any given bar on any given nite of the week...which usually consisted of cover charges and cock breath!

i somehow inevitably would become some sorta surrogate therapist way...

too many times...to one too many meals on wheels look'n fruit baskets who happened to be some inebriated idiot that was environmentally delayed...and expected me to find his foot'n just cuz he gave me his 2-4-1 drink ticket!

eventually i would turn down my reason not to have another doctor...

 prescribe me a cure that would take 3 to 4 weeks to clear up...instead...i opted to rummage around fer the leftovers at any bar close...fer someone that was close enough to the top of the food chain...OR

stroll fer a troll in the wee hours of the nite in the park fer a ride home...

and don't you wholesomeless whores start point'n fingers at me like some sharp shooter...cuz i wasn't there alone

by the time i hit my 30's...i knew i was goin' to become a romantic wreck...

or deemed a tragedy in a tiara if i wasn't involved with a mate to date fer more than 24 hrs...and so the clown show would begin  

not once...not twice...and by the third time...i was no longer a laydee...but i did it anyways...just cuz i figered i needed to evolve beyond the bar stools and the bad morn'n after breath mints i picked up from the nite before...

plus...eat'n fer one is never really as much fun...and cuz i was too lazy to commit suicide!

well...20 years later on...and end'n out my 40's sooner than expected...i feel like i'm back in my early late 20's once again and look'n better than my middle 30's...but with alot less hope...alot less hair and alot less tolerance fer find'n a potential failure in my own age box...oh...don't take that the wrong way...i've learned to accept my new check box...without all those unsightly stretch marks...or awkward family reunions

i'm just not that desperate enough to settle fer sangria and sausage links for breakfast just yet

bein' hit with the on goin recession to my non existent piggy bank doesn't

help either...it's made a HUGE impact on the way us 40+ single non heterosexuals go about conduct'n our "free time"

no one can afford the $10 covers...or feel that we should have to anymore

since we never had to when we were bask'n in our over indulgent youth...nor do we want to be bothered by some anal antiseptic past his ambercrombie due date with a $200 8-ball...who refuses to give up their crown as disco queen...show'n off their personally trained abs...under an over priced GUCCI tank to a bunch of twinks and tweekers

for the most part...the only choices out there are between meth heads or manic depressants who've replaced their overhead lamps with dollar store tea candles in hopes you don't notice that they had to cancel their gym...

membership...cuz they're still try'n to pull off that sparkly crop top that they bought on their first trip to Saint-Tropez in their 20 years...without the use of the jaws of life to get it over their head

and yer lucky if you will ever get to meet the photo-chopped fucker on the

other end of the informational highway anyways...cuz the botox bar has been raised so damn high...that they're terrified someone might notice

when and if ya finally do...they're usually try'n to recreate the image they sent ya by pose'n like some sorta age defy'n egyptian hieroglyphic when

  you open the front door...just to satisfy yer obvious desperate yearn'n to be acknowledged by a warm blooded entity...in person...at the very least...you have a chance to start an actual conversation...online...it's just all about delete...delete...delete!

and speak'n of my own experiences...it's no surprise that viagra sales are soar'n thru the roof when all the things that make a date with a new mo' interest'n these days are reduced to a simple formula of boredom and

regret...oh and ps...btw...they ought to be personally erect'n a life size crucifix with my name on it...cuz 30 years ago...i was one of thee original governmental test bunnies who got that pill approved fer all those long'n fer erect-creational pleasures

so they to could be energized til the wee hours of the morn'n

well...not too long ago a while back...i received an email from some online porker with an ax to grind with me...who i never had met...that i can recall

from 10 years ago apparently...i thought...oh...what perfect time'n!

lett'n me know that i looked like (and this is a direct quote) "a moron wear'n your shades" thru the downtown mousetrap systems on my daily

 breaks...cuz non verbal communicative passive aggressive behavior is so much more effective and alot more easier form of communication to understand these days (and annoyingly acceptable i might add) with almost everyone...than actually have'n to say face to face "ummm...wanna fuck?"

don't EVEN get me started on unreturnable texts in a timely manner

and you know it's sad...when some green mile look'n change collector...

scouts you out in the skyway on yer many mindless walks...look'n fer enough coinage to get him and his 3 made up kids back to some made up home far far away...but it happens on a daily basis from a merried of other story tellers...yer just conditioned to ignore their request...only to be belittled and berated by them as you keep walk'n by...but fer once it almost made me wanna run to the closest ATM as he caps off his verbal tyrannosaurus tirade with these eloquently body tingle'n words
(i said A-L-M-O-S-T)

"oooiiie...fer a white boy that's some fine ass...i'll tap that any day!" it's like the biggest compliment i'll remember fer as long as i can

basically...it breaks down like this...

online meet-n-greets are like stars from the 2nd cast of Designing Women

no matter how funny Jan Hooks and Julia Duffy were...they would never be able to live up to the originals...

cuz they were no Delta Burke or Jean Smart

                                         

meet'n face to face fer a cuppa caffination or whatever yer drink of choice

may be...is much better than try'n to read a wreck wait'n to happen on-line!

i may have unwillingly surrendered to the online hook up these days...

but i refuse...let me repeat that fer the kittens in the back...REFUSE to surrender my heels...so get over it already!

cuz when ya break it down in the end desperado's...guys in their 20's want

guys in their 40's...who want guys in their 30's...who want guys in their 50's...who want guys in their 20's...and all i want to do is get a damn cocktail before loose'n my dignity to any legal aged box

so it looks like i will need a new kinda "drug"...since my preferred method

apparently is...get this..."ILLEGAL"...plus it gets a bit spendy and is too much trouble try'n to guess the ratio to body frame 

it's human nature...we all possess that undeniable animal instinct...yo'

if you want it...just ask...i just might...if not...don't worry abod' it...but puhleez...GET OFF MY DRESS!