KANKEROUS KASANOVA

gooie gushie gobs of el-love-o wrapped up in a 2 hr tour

make'n you feel like the luckiest loser in the universe...to be with the one yer stapled to (only fer financial reasons)...thanx in part to sappy...syrupy slideshows like these

beautiful beats of heart thump'n poetry...turn'n even the hardest cynic...

into the most love struck critic...thanx in part to these palpable pipes 

well...i'm hear to tell ya kittens...it's all just a gigantic pile of steam'n crap!

i think the Queen of Hearts said it best when she said...

"OFF WITH THEIR HEAD!"

though this may be the week for chocolate nibbleys...long stem roses...

and cheap knock off charms shoved in a powder blue box you stole from yer nana's empty box collection in her moth riddled closet...it ain't ALL flutter'n hearts fer everyone

love...much like THE republicunts & the religious freaks

who've turned a blind eye to those seek'n a better life at the border these past 2 years...is a complete waste of time!

so why not be a head of the game this year and save yer bejamins...

try'n to snag that "special someone"...and just settle fer somethin' special you can enjoy...like a bottle of yer fav-o-rit tekilla...torn apart tunage and terribly classic heart break'n flix to remind yerself...yer better off without them...

 plus it's alot cheaper than kick'n back on some couch try'n to decipher where you went wrong

no one sung it better...than the queen of all heartaches LORETTA LYNN

with her #1 classic..."DON'T COME HOME A DRINK'N (WITH LOVE'N ON YOUR MIND)"

don't fret my lil oatmeal generation...though ya may not know any real

 heartache...unless it comes in the form of a downloadable app...or passive agrssive emoji...i'm sure most of you broken bitches felt the slings and arrows of german's latest saccrinated poptress KIM PETRAS with her bubble gum break-up/obsessed stalker with "HEART TO BREAK"

millenials ain't yer cup of tea?...then why not try some tea and crumpets...

with this classic 80's blow torch song from EURYTHMICS..."YOU HURT ME (AND I HATE YOU)"

rock out yer hatred and disgust with that absofuckinlute fucktard...

in yer fanciest asymmetrical leotard and cool blue cat eyes to MISS BENATAR's anthem "LITTLE TOO LATE"

if these melodic melodies of madness ain't gett'n that thorn in yer side...

outta yer head...perhaps somethin' on the boob tube will do the trick...like the Mistress of the Dark once said "revenge is better than christmas"

does yer dearly departed got'cha down? nothin' says "i really love you"...

now that yer stale fuck is outta yer life fer good...especially when some fucktwat at yer insurance company accimentally adds a few extra 000's to yer late hubbies insurance policy check...and you decided to pamper yer pussata along with yer BFF in the Canary islands

though twisted and fucked in the head...pedophiles are people too...

they just got their sexual screws...screwed up...with this dark and twisted tale of internet intrigue and inescapable surgery...that won't cost you a penny...just yer...ummm....lemme see...how can i say this d-i-s-c-r-e-e-t-l-y?....PENIS!

if that don't do it fer ya...try popp'n in this retold 80's heart warmer...

"MY BLOODY VALENTINE"...in 3D..why not!

cross yer heart and hope they'll die...cuz it don't get any better than give'n it to em up close and personal in a gas mask

rehabers rejoice cuz there's even one fer the junkie lovers to understand...

"SID AND NANCY"

starr'n the brilliant Gary Oldman as the ruined rocker Sid Vicious from the punk band "THE SEX PISTOLS" ...torn between his 2 lovers...his heroine...and his heroin...and Chloe Webb as the annoy'nly whiney narcotic push'n heroine Nancy Spungen...Courtney Love of "HOLE" fame...makes an appearance as Gretchen...one of their BIG APPLE junkie friends

so in the immortal words of one classy & sassy Florence Jean Castleberry

valentine's day can "KISS MY GRITS"

so there ya have it kittens...i welcome you to the broken hearts club...

table fer one...have a not so happy valentine's day this year...and puhleez...

get off my dress!

tears and my pillow

there are many many many things in this crazy Cher-fer-sake'n world that can make all of us break down and weep like a baby from time to time!

like only have'n 1 minute and 30 seconds to make yerself look like a damn fool in front of millions with the drunk dyslexic shark dancers

i luv me some Katy...i do...the lion entrance was amaze'n...but that flame outfit really?...what...was HOT TOPIC have'n a close-out sale on their halloween costumes?...and though there was definitely some MADONNA moments on the chess board...i was bored after that...seriously...i was wait'n fer the Kool-Aid man to pop out from behind the palm trees...but thanx to MISSY ELLIOT fer save'n the show

chopp'n up one of these suckers fer yer salad will do the trick

knock'n over a glass of moo juice might turn some into a whine ass...

but apparently it originated as an offer'n to the faeries in the folklore period and this was considered to be good luck for those who did it

(but put that in yer useless information bank and smoke it)

try'n to save a couple of bucks...instead of call'n a real professional...

only to have it go awry...will make yer eye ducts start to well up and make you think twice about watch'n another damn TLC remodel'n program

or a misunderstand'n that goes askew...while hold'n a pick axe in yer hand...

may make a Maury Povich audience member let out a sigh of empathy for you...but yer still gonna probably get 5-10 in the big boy pen when it's over

i was fumblin' thru my dvd collection last weekend after a difficult day with my conscious tell'n me what to do...after o.d.'n on a 6 pack of red bull...

try'n to find somethin' to get the ol' R.E.M's to kick in...no...not these guys silly kitten

these guys...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

i cannot confirm or deny that this is or is not me catch'n 40 winks

(hadda throw somethin' in there...thought i was loose'n ya fer a minute)

i knew i needed somethin' with an extreme moment to get the water works happen'n..whether good or bad...in order to calm those night time nerves

and since i'm not 20 anymore...

unless i'm under the right light'n...

"patty cake'n the bacon" don't work like it used to!

even though i've seen these flicks like 100 million times over...they get to me each and every time durin' those pivitol moments...so i've compiled my top 10 list of bawl'n busters fer my narcaleptic naps

10. Lisa Lampanelli: take it like a man

she's the self proclaimed "Queen of Mean"...almost killed me the first time i seen her at my sister's house in the wee hours of the morn'n a few years back...all bets are off with EVERYONE here...and no one goes unscathed from her seethin' mouth and razor sharp tongue...one of my fav-o-rit lines from LL "i've had more black dick in me than the urinals at the Apollo"...i dare you not to bust open the flood gates watch'n this show

9.Thelma and Louise

2 women...a thunderbird...and a hitch hiker...breakdown moment #1 happens fairly soon in the beginn'n but just sorta fills up the buckets...then yer calmed down fer a bit before the climactic end'n when ya use'n yer wrists as wind shield wipers

8. Little Miss Sunshine

one of the very few family movies i can relate to...and believe...well cuz it's so dysfunctional...a black dramedy about broken dreams and coming together as one...the movie is brilliant thru-out and not one dull moment to be had...but the end'n scene with the little sister kills me everytime

7. Silkwood

2 words...Meryl Streep...enough said!...no wait...there's more...throw in a non heterosexual Cher and a shirtless Kurt and it won't be long before you're reach'n fer the kleenix...a true story about Karen Silkwood who worked at a plutonium plant and started investigate'n the shinanigans that occured there...only to be investigated herself...Meryl's peril (sorry kittens...had to...it rhymed) is played out thru her amaze'n rendition of "amazing grace"...i always feel like i'm ride'n in slow motion thru the Pont de l'Alma tunnel in Paris with Diana and Doty

6. Brokeback Mountain

2 guys...some horses...a lotta sheep...and a mountain...sounds like one of those illegal porn flicks you'd watch with yer high school buddies when yer parents weren't home...i know...BUTT...(and that is the opperative word) you can't escape their gravitational pull

5. NORMAL

hello!...Jessica Lange...what can't this woman do?...also starr'n Tom Wilkinson as her husband of 25 years...and that HERO's chick Hayden Panettiere as their teenage daughter...with possible non heterosexual tendencies and their son what's-his-name (really...what is it?...i never heard of him before..and i'm too uninterested to google him) anywho...this is a story about love...marriage...family...sex...change...the tear jerker moments are thru-out...but Jessica's break down in the basement should've gotten her an oscar nomination

4. Steel Magnolias

buckle yerself in to the emotional roller coaster cuz this all star cast will make yer eyes feel like the hoover dam...and ready to burst at the seams from the moment you press play...til the credits roll...i swear this

writer was born to make you weep..."i'm fine!...i can jog all the way to Texas and back...but my daughter can't!...she never could!...oh G*d!...i am so mad i don't know what to do!...i wanna know why!...i wanna know why Shelby's life is over!...i wanna know how that baby will ever know how wonderful his mother was!...will he ever know what she went through for him!...oh G*d i wanna know why?...Why?...lord i wish i could understand!"

3. Torch Song Trilogy

starr'n Harvey Fierstien...Anne Bancroft and my high school secret crush Matthew Broderick...about perform'n illusionist Bertha Venation...his lovers...their son and his jewish mother's disapproval..."whoops?...Ed did you say "whoops"?...no Ed "whoops" is when you fall down an elevator shaft..."whoops" is when you skinny-dip in a school of piranha..."whoops"

is when you accidentally douche with drano!...no Ed...this was no "whoops" this was an AAAAAAAAAAAAA!"...i'm already gett'n farklempt and i haven't even pressed play

2. Terms of Endearment

Shirley McClaine...Debra Winger..."it's past ten...my daughter is in pain...i don't understand why she has to have this pain...all she has to do is hold out until ten...and IT'S PAST TEN!...my daughter is in pain... can't you understand that!...GIVE MY DAUGHTER THE SHOT!"...enough said

1.ONCE

though i rarely ever use this word to describe anything...this is thee most BEAUTIFULLY done romantic musical i have ever seen in my life...about a guy...a girl...a vaccuum...a piano...a guitar...and find'n out what it is you really want in life...the simplicity in itself is enough to make you break down and weep...the musical arrangements are perfection and tug at every little vein that leads straight to yer heart 

 (that is IF you have one at all)

so there ya have it kittens!

keep yer nyquil...choke on yer ambien...this is my preferred medication to dreamland...try it next time yer toss'n in yer sleep...if that don't work...go see a doctor...

and get off my dress!

crack in the damn

there are many many many things in this crazy Cher-fer-sake'n world that can make all of us break down and weep from time to time!

not gett'n a hold of tickets to the FAREWELLEST tour of them all...

well...this year anyways...might personally get my waterworks system move'n in the right direction...luckily i have remedied that situation

chopp'n up one of these suckers fer yer salad will do the trick...

knock'n over a glass of moo juice might turn some into a whine ass...

but apparently it originated as an offer'n to the faeries in the folklore period and was considered to be good luck for those who did it

(but put that in yer useless information bank and smoke it)

try'n to save a couple of bucks...instead of call'n a real professional...

only to have it go awry...will make yer eye ducts start to well up and make you think twice about watch'n another damn TLC remodel'n program

or a misunderstand'n...that goes askew...while hold'n a pick ax in yer hand...

may make a Maury Povich audience member let out a sigh of empathy for you...but yer still gonna probably get 5-10 in the big boy pen when it's over

i was fumblin' thru my dvd collection last weekend after a difficult day with
my conscious tell'n me what to do...after o.d.'n on a 6 pack of red bull...

try'n to find somethin' to get the ol' R.E.M's to kick in...no...not these guys silly kitten

these guys...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

i cannot confirm or deny that this is or is not me catch'n 40 winks

(hadda throw somethin' in there kitten...thought i was loose'n ya fer a minute)

i knew i needed somethin' with an extremely hysterical moment to get the water works happen'n...whether good or bad...in order to calm those...

 night time nerves and since i'm not 20 anymore...(unless i'm under the right light'n and in a cage fight with photo shop fer a few hours)..."patty cake'n the bacon" don't work like it used to!

even though i've seen these flicks like 100 million times over...they get to me each and every time durin' those pivotal moments...so i've compiled my top 10 list of bawl'n busters fer my narcoleptic naps

10. Lisa Lampanelli: take it like a man

she's the self proclaimed "Queen of Mean"...almost killed me the first time i seen her at my sister's house in the wee hours of the morn'n a few years back...all bets are off with EVERYONE here...and no one goes unscathed from her seethin' mouth and razor sharp tongue...one of my fav-o-rit lines from LL "i've had more black dick in me than the urinals at the Apollo"...i dare you not to bust open the flood gates watch'n this show

9.Thelma and Louise

2 women...a thunderbird...and a hitch hiker...breakdown moment #1 happens fairly soon in the beginn'n but just sorta fills up the buckets...then yer calmed down fer a bit before the climactic end'n when ya use'n yer wrists as wind shield wipers

8. Little Miss Sunshine

one of the very few family movies i can relate to...and believe...well cuz it's so dysfunctional...a black dramedy about broken dreams and coming together as one...the movie is brilliant thru-out and not one dull moment to be had...but the end'n scene with the little sister kills me every time

7. Silkwood

2 words...Meryl Streep...enough said!...throw in a non heterosexual Cher and a shirtless Kurt and it won't be long before you're reach'n fer the kleenex...a true story about Karen Silkwood who worked at a plutonium plant and started investigate'n the shenanigans that occurred there...only to be investigated herself...Meryl's peril is played out thru her amaze'n rendition of "amazing grace"...it makes me feel like i'm ride'n in slow motion thru the Pont de l'Alma tunnel in Paris with Diana and Doty

6. Brokeback Mountain

2 guys...some horses...alotta sheep...and a mountain...sounds like one of those illegal porn flicks you'd watch with yer high school buddies when yer parents weren't home...i know...BUTT...(and that is the operative word) you can't escape their gravitational pull

5. NORMAL

hello!...Jessica Lange...what can't this woman do?...also starr'n Tom Wilkinson as her husband of 25 years...and that HERO's chick Hayden Panettiere as their teenage daughter...with possible non heterosexual tendencies and their son what's-his-name (really...what is it?...i never heard of him before..and i'm too uninterested to google him) anywho...this is a story about love...marriage...family...sex...change...the tear jerker moments are thru-out...but Jessica's break down in the basement should've gotten her an oscar nomination

4. Steel Magnolias

buckle yerself in to the emotional roller coaster cuz this all star cast will make yer eyes feel like the hoover dam...and ready to burst at the seams from the moment you press play...til the credits roll...i swear this

writer was born to make you weep..."i'm fine!...i can jog all the way to Texas and back...but my daughter can't!...she never could!...oh G*d!...i am so mad i don't know what to do!...i wanna know why!...i wanna know why Shelby's life is over!...i wanna know how that baby will ever know how wonderful his mother was!...will he ever know what she went through for him!...oh G*d i wanna know why?...Why?...lord i wish i could understand!"

3. Torch Song Trilogy

starr'n Harvey Fierstein...Anne Bancroft and my high school secret crush Matthew Broderick...about perform'n illusionist Bertha Venation...his lovers...their son and his jewish mother's disapproval..."whoops?...Ed did you say "whoops"?...no Ed "whoops" is when you fall down an elevator shaft..."whoops" is when you skinny-dip in a school of piranha..."whoops"

is when you accidentally douche with drano!...no Ed...this was no "whoops" this was an AAAAAAAAAAAAA!"...i'm already gett'n farklempt and i haven't even pressed play

2. Terms of Endearment

Shirley McClaine...Debra Winger..."it's past ten...my daughter is in pain...i don't understand why she has to have this pain...all she has to do is hold out until ten...and IT'S PAST TEN!...my daughter is in pain... can't you understand that!...GIVE MY DAUGHTER THE SHOT!"...enough said

1.ONCE

though i rarely ever use this word to describe anything...this is thee most BEAUTIFULLY done romantic musical i have ever seen in my life...it's about one guy...one girl...a vacuum...a piano...a guitar...and find'n out what it is you really want in life...the simplicity in itself is enough to make you break down and weep...the musical arrangements are perfection and tug at every little vein that leads straight to yer heart (that is IF you still have one at all)

so there ya have it kittens!

10 reasons how to save some benjamins...over medicate'n yerself...or just annoy'n yer friends on facebook with yet another breakdown...so pack yer mental case and park yer A double snakes on yer own damn couch fer a change...and deal with it on yer own...if yer not cured fer what's bugg'n ya

 in about 2 hours and drift'n off to dreamland...may i suggest take'n a simple swim...with a cinder block tied around yer waist...or perhaps pole vault'n...off the roof top of some skyscraper...but whatever you choose...fer jiminy crickets kitten...

just get off my dress!