DEUCES WILD!

don't you hate when this happens to MEEEEEEEEE? so there i am one

lazy afternoon mindlessly mind'n my own biz...in concert (off key of course) with LYNN ANDERSON's "I'VE BEEN EVERYWHERE" when nature came a call'n and i was desperately try'na keep my basement "biz" at a stand still while i was still in my piece-o-shit mobile on barely there wheels at the stop light as traffic was stand'n still...when the damn thing decided to start choke'n on me like a hungry throat plunge'n milker at a frat party on prom nite all while desperately try'na come up with a lil silly though just as crucially important words of wisdom fer the week to put my masses on their asses...however...much like my milky smooth perky A double snakes...nothing was come'n out!

then i thought to myself…i said SELF…what haven't you talked about yet?

what's the one topic that seems to elude just about every water cooler conversations?

i thought about it really hard...grunt'n like a gansta...then i thought…SHIT!

i finally pulled into some ma an pa convenient store and conveniently flushed my sacrificial meatloaf to the porcelain god...then i pondered fer a moment and figered...hey this seems to be a topic no one wants to talk about yet we've all done at some point hopefully durin' the day or at the very least fer those lazy socialites...had it vacuumed outta them by means of a colonic irrigation once a week at least

the obvious one being of course…is take'n a ride on the porcelain pony...

while yer try'na make a glamorous inner mission...during the intermission of some craptastic theater production you were forced to see just cuz they paid fer yer ticket...

BUTT...that ain't all!

those infamous 4 letters can be interpreted in many other different forms…

so let's begin...fer instance...it can be used as an act of irritation…

"you piece of shit!…you gave me crabs"

then there's those times when take'n care of some elderly incontinent 

pare "can someone else change grannies shit shorts fer a change?"

how 'bout a term of endearment to a small child show'n how much you 

really care "awww…ain’t you the cutest lil’ shi now run along and get yer mommie a cocktail before i tattoo another wire hanger imprint on yer ass...ok kitten?"

a very popular one that's used by many as a sense of entitlement…

"can someone pleez get this lil' barfbag outta my sight?…i'm a goddamn unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe…i don't have to put up with this shit! do you know how many blind himalayan migrant children it took to hand stitch me this jacket?"

then of course…plenty of parents have used it during a fit of frustration…

"dammit…you lil shit…stop it now…or i’ll give ya somethin' to whine about"

it’s also a warn'n signal for the giver when turn'n their knee's into gristle…

"OOOH SHIT…OOOH SHIT…i'm comin…I'M COOOOOOOOMIN'!"

(consult yer physician if erectile dysfunction occurs)

unfortunately...it can also be heard as a sign of depression fer some…

especially those boned up non homosexual males out there that were plann'n on play'n the fields "aaaah shit…not again!"

one too many apple-tini’s can be a really really bad buzz kill…

"oooooh shit…get outta my waaaaay…i think i'm gonna blow chunks!"

this would be a good sign you need to start popp'n that ginkgo biloba...

"AH SHIT!…you said yer wife was in a coma...where in the sam hell did i put my panties?"

or if you feel like take a trip down the danger side to spice up yer love life

"SHIT!…i can't remember which stall i was told to tap my toes in"

when you have no control on an icy patch at 65 miles per hour…

"SHIT!SHIT!SHIT!SHIT!"

or just when yer in the fuck'n mood to make-out with good ol' "mary jane"

"now that’s some good shit maaaaan!"

however you slice it…is fine with me…BUT…if you think fer a minute that

yer shit smells like a bed of roses...

so in conclusion sometimes yer full of shit and sometimes you just gotta 

make shit up!...now GET OFF MY DRESS!

the KING of all QUEENS!

there have been many infamous George's thru-out the very beginn'n of 

recorded history...fer instance...most strippers across the country are well aware of our very 1st president since it's plastered on their nitely paycheck by the cheap ass customers that drool over them nite after nite expect'n a marriage proposal just cuz they broke a president Jackson fer 1 president Hamilton and 10 Washington's to stuff in their tacky neon g-string

then there was that one director guy from the 70's who wrote that outer space soap opera thingy that unfortunately went no where with the general public...of the Amazon jungle

and who can ferget of course the original leather face of the silver screen  GEORGE HAMILTON

BUTT there's more...

thee most infamous GEORGE of them all asked us in the early 1980's

"DO YOU REALLY WANNA HURT ME?"

in the 90's he was all about the 

"GENERATIONS OF LOVE"

by the 2000's he was broadway bound fer "TABOO" with his alter ego "THE TWIN"

and by the 2010's he was remind'n us all that 

"THIS IS WHAT I DO"

i'm speak'n of none other than a much calmer "KARMA CHAMELEON" 

these days and of course my ultimate teenage eye opener to all things absofuckinlutely fabulous BOY GEORGE who is turn'n the BIG 6-0 on june 14th

to help bask in his brilliant career of make'n it this far cuz let's be real...

a portion of us Gen X'ers know all about BOY's "hiccups" that have been well documented along the way so we need not rehash them here...instead...BOY has decided to surprise his fans from kittens to colostomy hags by dropp'n 60 new melodic melodies on his 60th

HOW FUCK'N FAB IS THAT?

to help kick of his sexagenarian celebration why not check out the soothin' sound of BOY's current melodramatic ear candy

"BEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD"

all this after already surprise'n us with his beyond brilliant solo collection 

"COOL KARAOKE VOL 1" that you can download at any of yer fav-o-rit digital retailers

amazon  spotify  itunes

which includes the smash collab hit with Israeli heart throbber ASAF GOREN

 "RAINBOW IN THE DARK"

with the pandemic nearly under control F-I-N-A-L-L-Y...CULTURE CLUB

will once again be hitt'n the road this summer...click here fer dates and tix

along with 80's super antioxidant group BANANARAMA & 60's sensation LULU 

with special guests KIM WILDE & GABRIELLE fer selected intimate outdoor dates in the UK only at this time unfortunately...though i'm sure 'merica and other parts of the planet will soon be able to see BOY and the rest of the CLUB once travel restrictions have been lifted so don't fret my musical pet!

and if that ain't enough to satisfy yer cultural crave'ns...durin' the month of PRIDE...why not have BOY tell you were to go by sign'n up fer directions on WAZE!

if you act now...not only will you get new music...new tour...new directions

soon enough you will get BOY like you've never seen him before...plastered on the silver screen in his epic biopic simply titled "KARMA CHAMELEON" which will begin shoot'n on location in london and around the globe chronicle'n his colorfully karmic career with a release date somewhere between 2022 and 2023!

HAPPY 60TH to my fav-o-rit BOY in the entire universe...

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

A BLIND EYESORE

it's that time of the year once again fer fabulous fruity cocktails...fireworks

and every fabulously flame'n fagula begins to fan their fierce flames on every bar stool and under every bathroom stall from Boise to Baton Rouge...yes kittens it's throat plunge'n/bubble butt roulette season...otherwise simply known as P-R-I-D-E month fer the non heterosexuals of the planet

legend has it that if some booboo puts his head under their pillow thru-out the month of PRIDE he'll eventually wake up doin the hokey pokey and spinn'n himself around on some yogi's yard stick...though don't quote me on that!

BUTT...it ain't ALL about that!

though there has been many a progress since the days of STONEWALL

where i was but a mere puddle in the port-a-pottie outside durin' my 1st ever PRIDE in the big apple a few years back...

it seems that there's always gotta be some pitifully pious paulina that gets

her pitifully petty panties in a pickle and decides to post her "opinion" on social media to prove what a total ostentatious ostrich she really is with her head buried so deep in the sand that she practically can see the geisha girls kick'n it up at the Kyoto club in Japan...

 just cuz of a simple display at the front of their local big box retailer that's try'n to cash in on yet another "holiday" with as much rainbow vomit they can plaster on any of the latest "must haves"

case in point was this senile senorita who was doin a quick stop at her 

neighborhood target store...with what i gather was her under age son by her post...fer a pallet of maxi pads to clog that dilapidated wizard sleeve between her thighs and another home lobotomy perm (the name hasn't been redacted cuz well...why should it really? she decided to post it on social media so fair game!)

now normally...after years of have'n to listen'n to this tired rhetoric from the

regurgitation nation whine'n about "we know...blah blah blah....but do you have to shove it in our faces? hmmm and i suppose you non homosexuals HAVE NEVER shoved yer kids photos...PDA parades and rectally regurgitated religious beliefs down ours? so i decided to try and not pounce on her like a gaggle of greased up twinks fight'n to bounce up and down on some "daddy's" rage'n throbber like a mary-go-round and responded back with a more sensible approach instead of my usual tirade!

thing is ROSA and all those with the same inclinations...lemme let you in on

a lil secret that has been a staple since the first caveman clobbered his cohort with his throat plunge'n club...WE...that is the non heterosexuals of the planet earth...ARE NOT try'n to indoctrinate...incarcerate nor procreate with yer brothers...boyfriends...sons or the son-of-a-bitches you been reluctantly hitched to 

(though i can't guarantee the gay mafia won't make em flip on a dime fer some knee time)

so with that in mind ROSA...if yer REALLY that offended by a lame rainbow 

display smack'n you in the face like a dick in a dark room as you walk into whatever big box store only to be asked by yer obliviously curious son what in the sam H-E-double hockey six those rainbows are all about...try'n explain'n to him about how 20 year old Iranian ALI FAZELI-MONFARED tried flee'n his homeland to Turkey and meet up with his boyfriend until he was conned by his half-brother and 2 cousins who convinced him to take a ride where they then beheaded him in an "honor kill'n" after they found out what side his bread was buttered on...keep in mind this story is not from 20 years ago...it's from just a lil over 20 day ago on may 4, 2021

i already know what yer think'n...well it's how they act in the middle east

ok ROSA and ROSA alikes...try teach'n yer son and or daughter about 25 year old professor LINDOLFO KOSMANSKI who was shot twice and his charred remains left on the side of some highway in the southern region of Brazil on april 30th, 2021

well don't fret my annoyed rainbow pet....this ain't just happen'n in cities

in far away lands unfortunately...it's happen'n in yer own back yard (figuratively speak'n of course since yer actual location is unknown to me) did you know that 24 year old black trans woman SERENITY HOLLIS from Albany Georgia was the 25ht trans woman murdered on may 8th, 2021? we're not even halfway thru the damn year yet

so in cuntclusion ROSA's of the social media world...when visit'n ANY 

big box business...eatery or any alcoholic establishment that displays...supports and celebrates non heterosexuals by vomit'n rainbows on every nook and cranny in their space...remember this...it's just A FUCK'N RAINBOW!!! cuz ps...if we ain't fuck'n you...and you ain't fuck'n us...then WHY OH WHY do you give a fuck who we fuck cuz we certainly don't give a fuck who yer fuck'n…KAPEESH?

however…if you still haven't grasped onto my concept…try tune'n in on an

absolutely brilliant breakdown of the rainbow life on FX if you need to be further edumacated…so take this as you will ROSA's…

WE...the rainbow connection...know you will come after us every year...nonetheless...we eventually will win you over cuz we've been fight'n this day after day…month after month...year after year…decade after decade…after decade and in the end we will all forget about it and go on with our lives and even though we know you’ll probably come back with knives in the dark cuz you just can't seem to let it go…WE WILL still be there fight’n you every step of the way!

HAPPY PRIDE to all the LGBTXYZPDQ community...otherwise known as the alphabet mafia and i'm just not play'n THAT game so if you got an issue with it then complain to yer state representatives kitten…and GET OFF MY DRESS!