thee onvelope please...

wow...it only seems like yesterday that we held the 2nd annual FUCKTARD AWARDS...but with most television programm'n gett'n ready to go into rerun season...i figered it was only fitt'n to hand out one more earned award to tide you over til the TONY's this june

i decided since i didn't have time to contact any designers fer a fabulous frock to showcase on the red carpet this even'n...or be bothered to either

that i would just report the show live from my couch...kick'n back paint'n my nails and hooves in a stunn'n muu-muu worn by the late Mrs. Roper

welcome once again to the 3rd annual FUCKTARD AWARDS

tonite's telecast is sponsored by "DAMN TIGHT JEANS"

DAMN TIGHT JEANS are so tight...they feel like a home hystorectomy kit!

and by the maker's of  the all new and improved "HAMMOND 2000"

recommended by 2 out of 1000 carpal tunnel suffers...and 100 out of 100 post masters would agree!...you'll never have to worry about bein' shut off again!

(can we get the lights down pleez?) thanx...and tonite's nominee's are...

why look...it's nightly talk show doosh rag fer the right wingers...Bill O"Reilly

for his mixed messages...by agree'n with his C-U-Next-Time guest
Gretchen Carlson....say'n that "GLEE is a good show with lots of talent and positive messages"...but that the creator is basically turn'n his adolescent viewers into his own personal love slaves

and to think i once thought you had some sense left in you Billy

New Mexico republic*nt...Heather Wilson...runn'n for U.S. Senate

fer "come'n out" against SNL funny man and our beloved MN Senator Al Franken's anti-LGBT bullying legislation...SB 555 bill known as the "Student Non-Discrimination Act"...

this thin-lipped-twat-lick look'n bee-otch was on record claiming it would "criminalize teasing and punish children"...

cuz what...this is always fun to read while sipp'n on yer kahlua and coffee?

too bad she don't know how to...ummm READ!...her interpretation is about

as accurate as Newt Gingrinch's definition of marriage

and last...the "ONE MILLION MOMS" organization...who can't count...

i guess...cuz they only have 42,644 FaceBook Likes...and no doubt just added 6 0's too make them feel really relevant to the world...are try'n to be the needle to sew the fabric of society back together again what it once was

ummm...lemme break it down fer ya...it's pretty much just a bunch of pissy has-been cheerleaders...who lost their looks along with their libido...turned into soccer moms from hell who took over the PTA...so they don't have to deal with the fact that their husbands are boink'n the babysitters

these uptight C-U-Next-Timers think they're march'n in the morality parade of biblical proportions...but in reality...

they have no desire to satisfy their spousals needs when they'd rather much spend all day back stabb'n each other...and slapp'n on more war paint try'n to look like a perform'n illusionist...but end up look'n more like a bunch of alcoholic drag queens

among their many bitch session boycott failures was the Ben and Jerry's

"Schweddy Balls" scandal of 2011...i ask you...what red blooded american homo or hetero...DOESN'T enjoy a gigantic mouthful of creamy maltness?

and then there was that incredibly awful tragedy of ELLENGATE at a popular middle class retail outlet...that happened just a few months ago

now these finger point'n clitorectomies are at a crucial war once again...at  "THE BATTLE OF URBAN OUTFITTERS"

and the hiroshima sneak attack by the PENNY once again

as they despicably display...what appears to be 2 love'n lezzie's with their daughter...in their mother's day ad...with the caption "you'll often find Wendi, her partner, Maggie, and daughters elbow deep in paint, clay or mosaics."

no one speaks of mosaics is such a more filthy manner as these agressive
lezbitronic's do...it's absolutely unconscionable and down right grotesque!

someone call a priest...let our heavenly father cast out the demons that live within yer tarnished soul...rebuke yer sins JCP...pleeeez!

kittens...pleez!...stay calm...single file now....THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!!
i hope you remember yer duck and cover procedures from yer handbook

hurry now pleez! (oh dear lord why won't someone think of the children?)

ok...whew!...this is gonna be a tough one...thee onvelope pleez...

and the winner is...(oh this is soo hard...i hate to see a loser loose)

WAIT!....oh my CHER!...the first time EVER in the FUCKTARD AWARDS history (my fav-o-rit guilty pleasure i've had the pleasure to indulge in)...
it's a 3 WAY TIE!

WOW!...well who'da ever thunk'd it?...but since i'm the host...i get it...it's like a very predictable prediction that i predicted...3rd annual...3 contenders...3 winners! (3 is my lucky number after all)

well kittens...i gotta go...there's someone...ummm... knock'n on my back door...thanx fer come'n...C U NEXT TIME...now get off my dress!