KISS MY SCRIPTS!

if you were me...and luckily fer me...yer not (THANK CHER!)

we all remember the many trials...tribulations and tawdry nites that one sassy brassy bee-hived beauty and 5 time VFW jitterbug champion Miss Florence Jean Castleberry (who was my all time fav i just hafta say) had endured as a glamorous food delivery technician...along with her cohorts

Alice...Vera...Belle and Jolene...while work'n at that greasy spoon Mel's Diner in Phoenix, Arizona...from the mid 70's to the mid 80's on the hit tv series "Alice"

which was based on the Scorsese dramedy flick from 1974 (that no one under the age of 50 even remembers...sorry Martin) based on a widowed woman and her preteen pimple parade trudge'n across country to restart her dimly lit spotlight career that she gave up years earlier and ended up sling'n hash browns and ho downs

then of course there was thee all time classic cosmic cult film...

"THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW" (that was born from the stage production) in the mid 70's that has held it's title as thee most brilliantly cast...science fiction...double feature...EVER made in the history of cult musicals

that is until 40 some years later...when it got mercilessly slaughter like Jeffery Dahmers dates...by a bunch of PC pricks that turned out this atrociously nauseate'n piece of eye sore'n patheticness fer the modern tv viewer and don't even get me started on the blood curdle'n...chalk board scratch'n...kill'n the neighbors cat "music" seriously...i just can't with this pile of cat vomit!

if you were a gen X'er outcast...(like me) you were root'n fer Veronica & JD

an outsider and an honor student...to make their fascination last ferever...(or at least until the end of the trilogy...that thankfully never happened) everyone was strung out with line after line from the movie...much like a hooker is to heroin...dare'n to ask the question "fuck me gently with a chainsaw...do i look like mother theresa?" to "did you have a brain tumor for breakfast? from the cult classroom classic "HEATHERS" (which also had a decent stage production run fer 4 some years)

the new generation of whatever letter they were at the time...got the equivalent of spam on rye with "MEAN GIRLS"...which was a d-e-c-e-n-t tribute to it's predecessor i can admit (which of course hadda be milked to death...so it to followed suit to the stage...that premiered last year) FINE!...i can let this one slide since the title wasn't reused...like Pam Anderson's STD's (oh come on...don't even try to come at me with yer claws kittens...i read ALL about it in the STAR!)

then there was that time i was make'n my sacrificial meatloaf offer'n to the 

 porcelain god when i came across a trailer fer the beyond vomitous remake of my teen age angst years bein' basturdized into a tv spin-off by just change'n the actors...and PC'n them up...i totally wouldn'ta had have a prob with this concept if they'da just CHANGED THE FUCK'N TITLE and the characters names and pretty much all the ripped off dialogue from the original!

most gen X'ers would agree a more befitt'n title would'a been call'n it "WTF?" instead or how about "OPEN YER MOUTH & LET US TAKE A STEAMY PILE OF ELEPHANT POO DOWN YER THROAT!"

here me out...YES i was glad at the very least to hear HEATHER DUKE was part of this failed concept from the start after all that BS she went thru gett'n booted from that famous zip code years ago then goin thru issues with her dirty pillows and all that the past few couple of year which i predicted 3 years ago would never last past the 1st season and i was thankfully right

now i whole hardheartedly absolutely adored the blood curdlin' remake 

and prequel of the texas chainsaw massacre's by heavy metal heart throbber ROB ZOMBIE and pretty much everything he's ever done...well except...

hey i totally understand...the mortgage was due plus his wifey looked like she was on dramamine after they let a cosmetology drop-out do her hair and make-up fer his tutorial example

BUTT can you believe it...

after putt'n on my Angela Lansbury cap and doin a lil investigate’n...i found out he now plans to redo one of  thee most beloved classic spookilicious slap-stick iconic television series of all time...the original family of fright...

"THE MUNSTERS" into a movie!

cuz what? sadomasochism makes fer great tv?

i DO NOT care that he's plann'n on make'n it into a movie this time around

I DON'T...cuz seriously...ROB BABY...leave it the fiddlers fuck A-L-O-N-E! i’m only think’n of you and how yer gonna completely decimate yer stand'n as the most revered psychologically fucked-in-the-head father of fantastical fright fer this generation...HERMAN LILY GRAMPA EDDIE and both MARILYN's ARE ICONS ironically and CANNOT BE REPLACED (this is not up fer discussion) i even had the pleasure to met GRAMPA EDDIE and the 2nd MARILYN 20 years ago on a halloween hayride in Anoka, MN and all 3 still held onto their characters whimsical charm so hear my desperate plea PLEEEEEEZ and put down yer pen on this project pronto!

ain’t it bad enough that u already ruined my fav-o-rit holiday with these cringe worthy retell’ns?

YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!

didn't they learn anything when the CW tried to desperately milk from...

the gigantic tit machine of NEW YORK...with that colostomy bag prequel after they jumped from the smash tv series to the big screen back to small screen

that ended in a catastrophic cancellation by season 2...first off...CARRIE would'a never had the bank account to wear anything off the runways of fashion week in New York during the 80's cuz she was too busy work'n at Benetton durin' the week after school just fer the discount on all the latest swatch watches and was also a part time cashier at the Orange Julius on the weekends...she would'a been an awkward teen walk'n down the aisles of Woolworths fer the latest Star Hits and Teen Beat magazines...worry'n about bad calories bad skin and bad boy crushes...

and she did that ALREADY...IN THE 80's!

can these lazy ass hollyweird "writers" (and i use that term as loose as i used my x's prolapsed A double snakes years ago) not think of A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G original anymore? i mean really "sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want, and just see what happens" (and that IS NOT a direct quote...but don't quote me on that)

i only got ONE thing to say to all these catastrophic cankersourus retell’ns

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

hot as hell

so we're only a couple short weeks away from all hell's even'n…

my all time fav-o-rit holidazzle celebration of them all

i remember runn'n around in those oh so comfortable costumes with the facial masks that made you feel like you were gasp'n fer yer last breath...

at six feet underground...from the good ol' yester years...with my siblings in gilmore valley...gett'n an ice cream bucket full of some future diabetic disaster from the neighbors we absolutely knew nothing about...know'n i wouldn't become a lil crispy critter…with it's flame retardant fabric...

unlike those other store bought brands

i've concocted a merried of looks since then…in fact…in 1986…my grama made my very first h-weenie outfit to fit my curvaceous curves during my tender sweet 16th year as Elvira Mistress of the Dark...as one would do

with her front window curtains made of brown polyester
 (insert "how precious" awww here)

the follow'n year i would make my very first costume on my own as Lily 

Munster...then returned the non rental sew'n machine back to Kmart fer a full refund 

cuz i desperately needed to renew my subscriptions to TEEN BEAT and SMASH HITS magazine...well...trust me... my paper route money wasn't gonna cut it!

my first nite out in the Minne-Apple in '91 i went as Wednesday Addams

and was stuck in it fer an unfortunate 3 days...and hadda draw on my eyebrows with a  combination of brown and purple Crayola markers...due to an unfortunate razor incident that even'n

(the storm of the century that nite…remember kittens?)

when i was Ziggy Stardust years later...i lost out to some toothpicked

 twink in diapers and a top hat as baby new year…you can't tell me some beer gut wasn't boink'n his boy beaver fer top prize... i was robbed i tell ya...R-O-B-B-E-D!!!

i've done the Boy George look as Leigh Bowery from his hit show TABOO

  fer the new millennium and won a free cocktail…big fuck'n whoop

but when i was Boy George from the 80's. the follow'n year..i beat the fuck outta the dead Michael Jackson fer the top spot and the coveted 200 cold hard benjamins prize

when i decided goin as lil red ride'n hooker at VFW in Burnsville, MN

 with my aunt goin as some blood suck'n politician...i felt like Jodie Foster in the "Accused" right before bein' pillaged on top of a pinball machine by the 4 beer slugs empty'n their bladder in the boys room when i popped in to powder my nose and they figered out who i actually was

(it's sooo hard to be an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe sometimes...i swear)

this year though i'm think'n of skipp'n the hot factor all together and go a lil 

more political...WHY NOT?...and since were talk'n about things scarier that shit...if you haven't yet...check out Kathy's film regard'n said costume...in the blockbuster sleeper hit of the year "HELL OF A STORY"...we'll see if i break down to show a lil leg...in the meantime…i thought i'd give ya my top 10 list of the hottest...freakiest flix to watch in the dark this wicked season...with some Crisco and a kleenex

the original HALLOWEEN

FRIDAYTHE 13th

and A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET

cancel each other out cuz of too much of the hotness factor involved so on with the show...

10. FRANKENSTEIN

though it's been remade more than the beds at the bunny ranch...u can't go wrong with a classic can ya? and fer a monster...all tall and thick and who barely could put 2 words together...that's sorta fuck'n hot right there...and what self respect'n freek out there

hasn't wanted to toss some rich bitch into a lake...listen up WALL STREET!

9. SCREAM

plenty of hotties to be had in this flick...especially Skeet Ulrich

even if he is like the shopko version of Johnny Depp...apparently that rich bitch knew how to swim outta that lake years later…

but they made damn sure she didn't make it past the first 10 minutes in this fairly recent horror classic

8. PUMPKINHEAD

a fairly unknown late 80’s flick but has all the freak elements you need...starr'n Lance Henriksen…though he had cool green eyes

he just creeps me out all together...and that's k-i-n-d-a hot!

7. THE AMITTYVILLE HORROR (remake)

very very rivet'n sitt'n-on-the-edge-of-yer-seat performances by all...but the main reason to watch...is cuz of axe weild'n homicidal maniac

Ryan Reynolds…H-E-L-L-O!

6. THE CONJURING

based on hollyweirds "true stories" from the 70's...this ones about a farmhouse haunted by some annoy'n demonic presence...and the only one of the most recent flicks to really scare the pumpkin latte shit outta me...luckily fer me though...the buffer that i'd be a fluffer for in a demonic minute is

PATRICK WILSON...meeeeouch!

5. KILLER CLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE

though the soundtrack and actors in this B classic are cheesier than kraft macaroni…it stars 80's B movie hunk-o-rama Grant Cramer

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrravey on my mashed potatoes...and when you have clowns that can kill you with cotton candy and popcorn…

eat'n insulation and styrofoam pellets just ain't the same ever again!

4. WRONG TURN

nothing is freakier than being chased by a bunch of inbreds with an attitude...but more importantly it stars Desmond Harrington

(you can rescue me anytime…i swear)

3. THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (remake)

this makes the original look like a fairy tale…except...you will feel the pain...plus scrumptious new comer...at the time anyways...Eric Balfour...will have you come'n in yer culottes again and again

(though sadly he will NOT return in the sequel…oops…sorry)

2. ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW

what h-weenie night would be complete...without a lil a-n-t-i-c-i-

p-a-t-i-o-n!...plus...Peter Hinwood...enough said!

who else can look hotter in gold lame shorts i ask you!
ps...don't even waste yer time with that crapolafest remake...cuz THERE IS NOOOO C-O-M-P-A-R-I-S-O-N!

1.ELVIRA MISTRESS OF THE DARK

this is my all time FAV spooktacularexpialidocious h-weenie flick…and NO not cuz of her enormous "endorsement deals"…

it's cuz of hot-to-trot daddy-o DANIEL GREENE

but on a side note...i did get to meet the MISTRESS with my good friend Peetrinella and some friends back in '94 at a trailer sign'n in Anoka, MN of all places...i went dressed as Alex from Clockwork Orange

after a drunken hayride…i made my way back to her trailer fer one more photo op…and the huge black bodyguard said Elvira only wanted to talk to ME…yes ME!!...she loved my look compared to the other slack jawed locals in line drool'n over her chest like a pack of starve'n mongolian baboons

and said she was in the process of gett'n ready to film a new movie and had thought of a great title to call it …"THE MISTRESS AND THE MATTRESS"…who am i to disagree? all i hadda do was to send her a professional 8x10 of me...though nothing was guaranteed (she signed another glossy fer me and put her address on the back) it took me 2 years after that meet'n…after Krystal Kleer was born…to get professional shots take'n…but by then the movie had come out called "ELVIRA'S HAUNTED HILL'S"

but alas…i was not in it…and YES to this day i kick myself

so get off my dress!