and be the 1st one to bitch about the latest snow fall all across their social media planet...you know...as if the other millions of other people in the same predicament are blind as a shiver'n fuck'n bat and yer the one genius scholar with the intuition to start the bitchfest that'll last until at least march of the follow'n year usually
though i for one...say bring it the mutha fuck on!...that is until you fender fuck me on my way to my latest lubrication appointment...without any lube!
(i know where yer dirty lil mind was goin you naughty lil kitten...and ya know what?...this time you'd be right!)
the blanket'n of the new fall'n snow is the perfecto time to wrap up with
that sorta someone who's somewhat sorta somethin' fer the next 15 minutes at the very least...who wants to unwrap you on the couch while watch'n some sorta feel good holiday flick...who ain't just some prick...just look'n fer yer dicktionary to try and figer out somethin ingenious to say...while braid'n each others thoughts
so there i was one chilly afternoon a while back...on the corner of pity avenue and desperado junction...with some locally socially retarded crypt
keeper try'na keep it on the "DL" at the moment...that i reluctantly had give'n my digits to after his insistent nagg'n fer them fer the past few months...to take with my vitamin D and B-12 and a glass of freshly squeezed misery...since he offered to shell out some shillin's fer some morn'n vittles and i figer'd...EH!...WHY NOT!
i knew i hadn't quite fulfilled my charitable quota fer the year...plus he was the best bet i bet on after spinn'n the roulette wheel of casualty encounters off the informational highway...otherwise known as whoreville...fer a chance to leave my lair and consume some fresh air
to his credit…he was visually appeal'n from his photos he sent me…and i'm sure he totally looked like that…ummm...like 20 maybe years ago!...but unless yer gonna hop on yer time machine trike to meet me in some parallel universe...or yer gonna slather my cornea's with petroleum jelly...
who do you think yer fool'n Muriel? suffice it to say...this lifetime movie of the weak couldn't score in a bunny whore house with a bushel of carrots...at least with me...at this juncture in the road!
now here me out!...age has NEVER been a problem with me…well unless yer a first grader or got a foot in the grave…but keep yer chin up…cuz i'm sure someone…somewhere out there…would find you completely and
utterly magically delicious!
instead of call’n him out from the obvious…i decided i would do my last charitable act of the year and entertain my headache…i'd usually leave out his name as to not embarrass or endanger his non existent mentality…but he has nothing to worry about…as i don't even recall what
his name was…and ya know what though...i hadda thought...i just might have to send a gift to the guy or gal would invented the delete and block button feature on my cell phone…cuz i got plenty of good use outta it this year!
so this crypt non keeper…from the very get go…even before i had a mini
mynute chance to take off the carcass which was caress'n my slender neck...had spewed out about some X that he used to go with to his restaurant of choice...that i was now a part of unfortunately...but said X had left him fer someone 10 years younger after 10 minutes
REALLY…ya don’t say? he left YOU fer someone 10 years younger?
stop me if i'm wrong...but would it have anything to do with you being so fuck'n socially retarded?...1st off...catfish'n someone with decades old pix of yer former self DOES NOT WORK...unless of course yer on a date with Helen Keller lets just agree on that...2ndly...the only time you ever open up the X box on a 1st impressional date...is when you've been invited to that uncomfortable forgy or...
cuz yer old game'n system decided to take a shit on ya!
either case...pity party…table of one…yer table is ready!
though this arthritic ape was narcissistically delicious right down to his
bitter bones...turns out he had shit fer brains!
i was trapped in a hideous homo coma from hell fer the next hour and 47 minutes and 3 seconds away from bein' committed to Rikers Island fer fatally punch'n him in the throat in one swift jab!
this post party boi relic had the emotional commitment of an amazonian fruit fly...i swear! cuz ALL he talked about was the many X's that he had consumed before me...over the past 20 years…and how he now wants to stay with just that one person...who doesn't wanna do "a lot" of chemically induced recreational vacations
as the bill appears…mr. anal wart was no longer feel'n the xmas spirit
and instead...calculated down to the last % the amount that was my portion…not that i had a prob pay'n my share mind you…even if he did ask me to have breakfast with him…but this guy alone could keep a therapist in a penthouse suite
ya know what...you walk'n cliché?…go tell Oprah…she cares!
cuz i sure as shit didn't anymore…NEXT!
later that nite i headed out to some local intoxicational establishments with my non heterosexualized entourage of 1 in from Oprahville to wash away our holidaze with some holiglaze amongst the sea of
play'n with their balls in the side pocket...as chilly as it was out though...thankfully pick'ns weren't all that slim...and though it was a non hormonal nite fer me after the previous date...let's just say if i were a fertile unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe kitten and all their legs were in a row this particular nite…i'da bore my 6th bastard child on the way to the powder room…
luckily though...i left with my purity shield in tact thankfully cuz i wasn't in the mood fer a side of penicillin with my pancakes in the morn'n
next destinational stop was to fulfill our visual stimulations and my guest
suggested we see the professionally trained drugged induced "exotic dancers" down the street
as one drink turned into a corral of colorful cocktails...my outta towner was like an explode'n atm machine towards 2 of the professional trained
opened crayons...that is until ya started peel'n away the tragic wrapper which was their backstory that you were forced to listen to...while begrudgingly sacrifice'n last nite's meatloaf to the porcelain god
though i'm no judgmental judy when it comes to ones professional choices...i don't feel the need to justify my existence by putt'n myself in some narcissistic display case in a room full of hungry desperadovillians
(way'da'minute...how did this one get in here? *snicker*snicker*)
everything was fine to until my outta towner turned into a drunk debbie downer who just oops'd himself into the overrated category…by try'n to rip me a new A double snake hole just cuz i gave a $2 tip on a $11 bill
cheezus christ on a fuck'n crusty cracker...CHILL JILL!
throw a bitch fit over my less than 50% generosity (which isn't even customary mind you) and demands me to give him a bigger tip…which in turn i told him he's more than welcome to up the ante…which ended up being another 6 benjamins thanx to him
though quite generous on his drunk part…this does not all of a sudden turn you into a viable candidate to make it to the bartenders bedroom...
that's his job as a bartender...to bat his false eyelashes at any drunk atm machine barely stand'n before him...but gurl puuuhleeeez!...this is not proposal paradise ya palpable prick!
i was glad i came out (even if i never got to myself) though i was never in
but lemme just tell ya...this day was no ra-ma la-ma la-ma ka ding a da ding de dong
shoo-bop sha wad-da wad-da yipp-it-y boom de boom
chang chang chang-it-ty chang shoo-bop
dip da-dip da-dip doo-wop da doo-bee doo
boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-ed-y
shoo-by doo-wop she-bop
sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na yip-pit-y boom de boom
ra-ma la-ma la-ma ka ding-a de ding de dong
shoo-bop sha wad-da wad-da yipp-it-y boom de boom
chang chang chang-it-ty chang shoo-bop
dip da-dip da-dip doo-wop da doo-bee doo
boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-e-dy
shoo-by doo-wop she-bop
sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na yip-pit-ty boom de boom
a wop ba-ba lu-mop...a wop bam boom moment...so until things change fer the better hopefully this holiglazed season...
GET OFF MY DRESS!
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