that put a spotlight on the often over looked tawdry and very tempt'n lifestyle of a temp worker trapped in cubicle hell...focus'n on the trials and tribulations of what life is really like in the copy room and the supplies nazi who's in charge of it all "CLOCKWATCHERS" starr'n a stellar cast of 4 cackle'n C-U-NEXT-TIME'n besties...fresh off her first indy aussie hit "MURIEL'S WEDDING" a few years earlier TONI COLLETTE..."PARTY GIRL" gem PARKER POSEY..."FRIENDS" alumni LISA KUDROW and ALANNA UBACH
bubblegum euro-popp'n Danish delights AQUA release one of the biggest
mind numb'n thumpers of the year with their infectiously confectionary smash hit "BARBIE GIRL" as the 3rd single off their debut album "AQUARIUM" gain'n the group international fame and an unfortunate lawsuit with the plastic gods...which would also get a 2nd chance at life 26 years later...
remixed with ICE SPICE and NICKI MINAJ (cuz of course...WHY NOT!) appear'n in that no doubt brain dead blockbuster of the summer about that self centered unrecyclable plastic mold that has been indoctrinate'n insecure girls about their bodies around the globe since it's 1st infestation in the 1950's
the people's princess DIANA SPENCER would make her final fateful
freeway escape from the pesky paparazzi with her driver Henri Paul speed'n like a bat outta hell thru the Pont de l'Alma tunnel in paris that i'm still not entirely convinced to this day was not ordered by someone within the establishment with "outside" influence
and the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her
very own universe (that's me...just in case yer tune'n in fer the very 1st time) would be home "sick" from my day job as mgr of Northwest Athletic Club (currently LIFETIME ripoff FITNESS fee's) cuz i was sick of deal'n with the infamous "KAREN'S" of the sweat'n with the desperado's crowd from the nite before
BUTT wait...before i move on from this...
let's get off my train of thought fer a mere moment...how did it ever come
to fruition that the name "KAREN" would be synonymously linked to all these off-the-wall-bitter-bat-shit-crazy-gluten-free-starbucks-slurp'n-road-rage'n vaginal secretions? cuz seriously kittens...the very 1st thing that pops into my slowly dementia'd mind when i hear the name "KAREN" is that of the soothin' sounds that flow like a cool spring creek from that waify holly hobby dressed songbird KAREN CARPENTER from the 70's supergroup "THE CARPENTER'S"
everyone's fav-o-rit booze chugg'n perfectly quaffed fag hag/beard (depend'n on yer sensitively triggered ego) with the acid tongue and a killer rack KAREN WALKER of the hit series "WILL AND GRACE"
or canadian trampoliner KAREN COCKBURN who won the bronze medal at the 2000 summer olympics and the gold in 2003
and just refer to these short tempered in yer face unfuckable diabetic maxi padd'n piranha princess's with a tenacious tendency to talk shit outta their dilapidated derriere as "KAREN" and refer to them as what they really truly undeniably are...absofuckinlutely cankersour CUNTASAURUS's!
ok now where was i? oh yea...so i called in sick from work and as i was
lounge'n on my then roomie's futon in the live'n room one lazy rainy april afternoon...aimlessly flipp'n thru the channels like some unconscious coach potato when all of a sudden i could feel the spirit of HEATHER O'ROURKE completely possess'n my milky white flesh...bein put into some sorta tv trance...summoned by an evil electronical entity practically pull'n me into the question mark on the screen exclaim'n "were you shy and quiet as a kid and now that your all grown up your a drag queen? if so give us a call!"
well...i did what any unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n
illusionist of their own universe would do...i called the "other" phone line to find a palpable prick to tickle my tonsils that was within walk'n distance since my eggs were about ready to expire (well it had been like 2 months at that point...i had suffered enough) and since i only had roughly 4 hours of uninterrupted bliss to myself before the roomie would return home...i flipped thru the many callous kinky callers like a neurotic nympho from Nantucket in november...unfortunately no one was worthy enough and i was all outta doin any more charitable acts fer the season...
so i opted to call into the other phone line that i had written down...which happened to be the "THE JENNY JONES SHOW"
i had already been a performer of the stage fer roughly 2 years at this lil
particular point in my so called life so this just seemed like the next obvious stepp'n stone in my non calculated career...so after being rerouted more times than my GPS try'na find my g-spot by the operator i finally was patched thru to the producer who gave me a 15/20 minute interview inquire'n about my background and why i thought i was a perfect fit fer this episode
before hang'n up from the interview with the producer...i was told they
would get back to me shortly so i had figered i had aced it perfectly to perfection with just the right amount of phony as fuck tv enthusiasm like all those pathetically jubilant diabetic STD's on "THE PRICE IS RIGHT" and would hear back from them within a week or 2 at max
well...suffice it to say...hollyweird (or in this case) hollyweird adjacent
DOES NOT truly understand the concept of "shortly" in the real world since it would take roughly 3 full seasons to pass before i would finally get a damn return phone call from them and was told to be in Chicago in 2 days and to bring a friend...where there would be 2 round trip tickets wait'n fer us at the airport check-in...this was all so new and extremely exhilarate'n fer me so of course i feverishly rearranged my DNA along with my work schedule and coerced my hot trainer friend Dave to be my plus 1 on the show and 2 days later we were jet sett'n off to the city formerly known as Oprahville
well there ya have it...tune in next week fer part 2 of "ME & MRS JONES"
now GET OFF MY DRESS!
No comments:
Post a Comment