ME & MRS. JONES pt. 1

picture it kittens...it's 1997 and the all time best indy sleeper hit of the year

that put a spotlight on the often over looked tawdry and very tempt'n lifestyle of a temp worker trapped in cubicle hell...focus'n on the trials and tribulations of what life is really like in the copy room and the supplies nazi who's in charge of it all "CLOCKWATCHERS" starr'n a stellar cast of 4 cackle'n C-U-NEXT-TIME'n besties...fresh off her first indy aussie hit "MURIEL'S WEDDING" a few years earlier TONI COLLETTE..."PARTY GIRL" gem PARKER POSEY..."FRIENDS" alumni LISA KUDROW and ALANNA UBACH

bubblegum euro-popp'n Danish delights AQUA release one of the biggest

mind numb'n thumpers of the year with their infectiously confectionary smash hit "BARBIE GIRL" as the 3rd single off their debut album "AQUARIUM" gain'n the group international fame and an unfortunate lawsuit with the plastic gods...which would also get a 2nd chance at life 26 years later...

remixed with ICE SPICE and NICKI MINAJ (cuz of course...WHY NOT!) appear'n in that no doubt brain dead blockbuster of the summer about that self centered unrecyclable plastic mold that has been indoctrinate'n insecure girls about their bodies around the globe since it's 1st infestation in the 1950's

the people's princess DIANA SPENCER would make her final fateful 

freeway escape from the pesky paparazzi with her driver Henri Paul speed'n like a bat outta hell thru the Pont de l'Alma tunnel in paris that i'm still not entirely convinced to this day was not ordered by someone within the establishment with "outside" influence

and the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her

very own universe (that's me...just in case yer tune'n in fer the very 1st time) would be home "sick" from my day job as mgr of Northwest Athletic Club (currently LIFETIME ripoff FITNESS fee's) cuz i was sick of deal'n with the infamous "KAREN'S" of the sweat'n with the desperado's crowd from the nite before

BUTT wait...before i move on from this...

let's get off my train of thought fer a mere moment...how did it ever come

to fruition that the name "KAREN" would be synonymously linked to all these off-the-wall-bitter-bat-shit-crazy-gluten-free-starbucks-slurp'n-road-rage'n vaginal secretions? cuz seriously kittens...the very 1st thing that pops into my slowly dementia'd mind when i hear the name "KAREN" is that of the soothin' sounds that flow like a cool spring creek from that waify holly hobby dressed songbird KAREN CARPENTER from the 70's supergroup "THE CARPENTER'S"

everyone's fav-o-rit booze chugg'n perfectly quaffed fag hag/beard (depend'n on yer sensitively triggered ego) with the acid tongue and a killer rack KAREN WALKER of the hit series "WILL AND GRACE"

or canadian trampoliner KAREN COCKBURN who won the bronze medal at the 2000 summer olympics and the gold in 2003

from this day forward...let's stop with the besmirch'n of the name KAREN 

and just refer to these short tempered in yer face unfuckable diabetic maxi padd'n piranha princess's with a tenacious tendency to talk shit outta their dilapidated derriere as "KAREN" and refer to them as what they really truly undeniably are...absofuckinlutely cankersour CUNTASAURUS's!

ok now where was i? oh yea...so i called in sick from work and as i was

lounge'n on my then roomie's futon in the live'n room one lazy rainy april afternoon...aimlessly flipp'n thru the channels like some unconscious coach potato when all of a sudden i could feel the spirit of HEATHER O'ROURKE completely possess'n my milky white flesh...bein put into some sorta tv trance...summoned by an evil electronical entity practically pull'n me into the question mark on the screen exclaim'n "were you shy and quiet as a kid and now that your all grown up your a drag queen? if so give us a call!"

well...i did what any unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n

illusionist of their own universe would do...i called the "other" phone line to find a palpable prick to tickle my tonsils that was within walk'n distance since my eggs were about ready to expire (well it had been like 2 months at that point...i had suffered enough) and since i only had roughly 4 hours of uninterrupted bliss to myself before the roomie would return home...i flipped thru the many callous kinky callers like a neurotic nympho from Nantucket in november...unfortunately no one was worthy enough and i was all outta doin any more charitable acts fer the season...

so i opted to call into the other phone line that i had written down...which happened to be the "THE JENNY JONES SHOW"

i had already been a performer of the stage fer roughly 2 years at this lil

particular point in my so called life so this just seemed like the next obvious stepp'n stone in my non calculated career...so after being rerouted more times than my GPS try'na find my g-spot by the operator i finally was patched thru to the producer who gave me a 15/20 minute interview inquire'n about my background and why i thought i was a perfect fit fer this episode

before hang'n up from the interview with the producer...i was told they 

would get back to me shortly so i had figered i had aced it perfectly to perfection with just the right amount of phony as fuck tv enthusiasm like all those pathetically jubilant diabetic STD's on "THE PRICE IS RIGHT" and would hear back from them within a week or 2 at max

well...suffice it to say...hollyweird (or in this case) hollyweird adjacent

DOES NOT truly understand the concept of "shortly" in the real world since it would take roughly 3 full seasons to pass before i would finally get a damn return phone call from them and was told to be in Chicago in 2 days and to bring a friend...where there would be 2 round trip tickets wait'n fer us at the airport check-in...this was all so new and extremely exhilarate'n fer me so of course i feverishly rearranged my DNA along with my work schedule and coerced my hot trainer friend Dave to be my plus 1 on the show and 2 days later we were jet sett'n off to the city formerly known as Oprahville

well there ya have it...tune in next week fer part 2 of "ME & MRS JONES"

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

TELEPHONE pt.3

there are many scary ass shit situations in life at one point or another

that we've all suffered thru...why...just the undeniable fact that yer still read'n me after all these years is a complete and total testament to yer unmitigated torture in itself just like when that tooth picked teenaged terror with telekinesis who torched her class mates just cuz she didn't "plug it up" in 1976  (kittens...you should never fuck with the quiet ones...trust me!) 

stand'n in line behind one of those "i wanna speak to the manager" anti vaxx'n cuntaroo's at the neighborhood piggy wiggly pharmaceutical counter while yer just try'n to pay fer yer antibiotics to clear up that burn'n sensation you've left unchecked fer 3 months

find'n out you drank one too many bang-cock bangers at yer kids PTA meet'n with the principle at that motel 6 in the next county over

with the holiglaze seasoning in full swing...fuck the football torture when 

the fam comes over to mooch off all yer mashed potatoes...cranberried slosh and whatever fix'ns yer fix'n to fix up this year...staple their A double snakes down to the davenport and hot glue their eyelids to their eyebrows and force 'em to watch what is sure to sweep the viewer's choice fer the Razzies at next years award show

       click here fer pt 1      click here fer pt 2         

if yer look'n fer an homage to those tacky classic 80's chiller thrillers

of the yester years then look no further cuz trust me when i say how utterly shocked i was when i was left a message on my answer'n machine outta the blue one even'n return'n home after a strenuous day at the park try'na sell tickets to my nervous breakdown from none other than NY's finest colostomitic critic GENE SHALIT who left me a few comfort'n words after preview'n an unauthorized copy of my latest tale of terror on Grindr

"some films could have only been cast in one way...screen tests were given and the loser got the part...it's a piercing film and that's the critics corner for this morning" (and that is a direct quote) 

BUTT that ain't all...

he also informed me that i had indeed won the award fer best dramatic migraine from a motion picture short...in history...awwwww...i'm in utter awe...that's like a compliment i'll remember fer as long as i can!

of course i I-M-M-E-D-I-A-T-E-L-Y put pen to paper to write my gracious

and heartless acceptance speech...i wanted to of course come off as inappropriately thankful and utterly humbled as possible "i'd like to thank all the lil people along the way…however…i don't do anything under 8 inches any more" i ask you...was that too ungratefully honest?

i'm so ever grateful fer the special appearance in my chiller thriller debut 

with my LEE's...i searched dollar stores all over MN from Dakota to Dodge Center til i found the absolute perfect 80's clitorectomy length and fer just the right shade of cold blooded killer polish

SPIELBERG...SCORSESE and BURTON are obviously kick'n themselves

at this point that they had passed on this glorious opportunity to further expose their minimal career and more importantly MEEEEE...however...i am a very forgive'n unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe... 

ergo...call me guys...i'm wait'n in!

with that in mind i wanna thank my absofuckinglutely beyond brilliant  

visionary director TONY LARSON fer see'n my colossal potential as box office poison and look forward to ruin'n the sequels "FLIP PHONE" and "CELL PHONE" in the near future

i also wanna give a soft clap to the makers of Swanson's potpies...all the caterers at PIGGLY WIGGLY (please contact yer local PIGGLY WIGGLY in yer area fer all yer cater'n needs) and of course no one else but ME!

click here if you'd like to actually loose 15 of the most downright precious pain stake'n minutes of yer life courtesy of my uncanned Shakespearean abilities 

though i beg of you…no scratch that…i mean i implore you to hold off on yer generous reviews…we didn’t have any more money in the budget fer another continuity person…well cuz i shot the first one that we had by accident…in the eye! (luckily i still had some penicillin left over in my prada)

what?…too soon?…sue me!

hope i've give'n you a good enough reason to buy bulk in bufferin

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

share'n ain’t KAREN!

who out there remembers when the airwaves were completely overloaded

by the soft spoken chantuese style'ns of KAREN from the sensational supergrouped siblins' of the 70's known simply as "THE CARPENTERS"? if not i suggest you get off yer tiktok ass and youtube that shit...learn some damn history you lobotomized irreplaceable kitten!

or literally shit yer shorts by the 3 made-for-tv shorts from the "TRILOGY OF TERROR" portrayed by eccentric offbeat actress KAREN BLACK who played in all 3 shorts?

and of course who didn't piss in their palazzo pants when everyone's fav-o-rit self-centered-socially-lit-pill-popp'n-booze-guzzle'n-one-liner antics on that homo hit show "WILL & GRACE" by burnette beauty KAREN WALKER

although...there are certain people on this planet that have caused a very

 peculiarly plausible planetary parade of praise that they've wholeheartedly earned by only need'n to use just one name to get the attention of the masses sitt'n on their asses...fer instance...the queen of all peel off's in the 70's who's gonna be the last thing stand'n when they finally drop the bomb (besides the cockroaches)

the queen of reinvention who turned underwear into outerwear...cause'n masingil stock to go thru the roof ever since the 80's

and of course who can ferget the queen of multiple personalities earn'n herself an emmy award fer her protrayal based on the 16 personalities inside the mind of  Shirley Ardell Mason in 1976

BUTT of course...

everyone out there nowadays with a bad bottle job and an attitude to go

along with their ax wield'n homicidal maniacness that they feel blatantly compelled to grind against any non imported aryan invader and/or forced into wear'n the lastest fashion trend in communicable disease prevention...wanna take it upon themselves to whip out their ouija board...

and desperately summon the spirits of pop icon ANDY WARHOL to get their blister'n poisonous 15 minute moment in the spotlight...unfortunately christened as the crotchety "KARENS" of the cuntry

from the central park dog strangler "KAREN"

to knewly crowned Trader Joe's Miss Tantrum 2020 "KAREN"

to Target's very own rolex wear'n wreck'n ball QAnon "KAREN"

and every other cantankerous cunty "KAREN" inbetween who personally just needs to be fitted in the latest fashionable formal wear fer fucktwats

so listen up all you "KARENS" out there that are feel'n so inclined to whine

or any future “KARENS” wait’n in the wings fer their spotlight dance...doctors and dentists have been wear'n them fer hours on end on a daily basis fer centuries without issues...so stop with yer blister’n bullshit you caustic cuntruffles...why not just be a chill JILL and
GET OFF MY DRESS!