ME & MRS. JONES pt. 1

picture it kittens...it's 1997 and the all time best indy sleeper hit of the year

that put a spotlight on the often over looked tawdry and very tempt'n lifestyle of a temp worker trapped in cubicle hell...focus'n on the trials and tribulations of what life is really like in the copy room and the supplies nazi who's in charge of it all "CLOCKWATCHERS" starr'n a stellar cast of 4 cackle'n C-U-NEXT-TIME'n besties...fresh off her first indy aussie hit "MURIEL'S WEDDING" a few years earlier TONI COLLETTE..."PARTY GIRL" gem PARKER POSEY..."FRIENDS" alumni LISA KUDROW and ALANNA UBACH

bubblegum euro-popp'n Danish delights AQUA release one of the biggest

mind numb'n thumpers of the year with their infectiously confectionary smash hit "BARBIE GIRL" as the 3rd single off their debut album "AQUARIUM" gain'n the group international fame and an unfortunate lawsuit with the plastic gods...which would also get a 2nd chance at life 26 years later...

remixed with ICE SPICE and NICKI MINAJ (cuz of course...WHY NOT!) appear'n in that no doubt brain dead blockbuster of the summer about that self centered unrecyclable plastic mold that has been indoctrinate'n insecure girls about their bodies around the globe since it's 1st infestation in the 1950's

the people's princess DIANA SPENCER would make her final fateful 

freeway escape from the pesky paparazzi with her driver Henri Paul speed'n like a bat outta hell thru the Pont de l'Alma tunnel in paris that i'm still not entirely convinced to this day was not ordered by someone within the establishment with "outside" influence

and the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her

very own universe (that's me...just in case yer tune'n in fer the very 1st time) would be home "sick" from my day job as mgr of Northwest Athletic Club (currently LIFETIME ripoff FITNESS fee's) cuz i was sick of deal'n with the infamous "KAREN'S" of the sweat'n with the desperado's crowd from the nite before

BUTT wait...before i move on from this...

let's get off my train of thought fer a mere moment...how did it ever come

to fruition that the name "KAREN" would be synonymously linked to all these off-the-wall-bitter-bat-shit-crazy-gluten-free-starbucks-slurp'n-road-rage'n vaginal secretions? cuz seriously kittens...the very 1st thing that pops into my slowly dementia'd mind when i hear the name "KAREN" is that of the soothin' sounds that flow like a cool spring creek from that waify holly hobby dressed songbird KAREN CARPENTER from the 70's supergroup "THE CARPENTER'S"

everyone's fav-o-rit booze chugg'n perfectly quaffed fag hag/beard (depend'n on yer sensitively triggered ego) with the acid tongue and a killer rack KAREN WALKER of the hit series "WILL AND GRACE"

or canadian trampoliner KAREN COCKBURN who won the bronze medal at the 2000 summer olympics and the gold in 2003

from this day forward...let's stop with the besmirch'n of the name KAREN 

and just refer to these short tempered in yer face unfuckable diabetic maxi padd'n piranha princess's with a tenacious tendency to talk shit outta their dilapidated derriere as "KAREN" and refer to them as what they really truly undeniably are...absofuckinlutely cankersour CUNTASAURUS's!

ok now where was i? oh yea...so i called in sick from work and as i was

lounge'n on my then roomie's futon in the live'n room one lazy rainy april afternoon...aimlessly flipp'n thru the channels like some unconscious coach potato when all of a sudden i could feel the spirit of HEATHER O'ROURKE completely possess'n my milky white flesh...bein put into some sorta tv trance...summoned by an evil electronical entity practically pull'n me into the question mark on the screen exclaim'n "were you shy and quiet as a kid and now that your all grown up your a drag queen? if so give us a call!"

well...i did what any unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n

illusionist of their own universe would do...i called the "other" phone line to find a palpable prick to tickle my tonsils that was within walk'n distance since my eggs were about ready to expire (well it had been like 2 months at that point...i had suffered enough) and since i only had roughly 4 hours of uninterrupted bliss to myself before the roomie would return home...i flipped thru the many callous kinky callers like a neurotic nympho from Nantucket in november...unfortunately no one was worthy enough and i was all outta doin any more charitable acts fer the season...

so i opted to call into the other phone line that i had written down...which happened to be the "THE JENNY JONES SHOW"

i had already been a performer of the stage fer roughly 2 years at this lil

particular point in my so called life so this just seemed like the next obvious stepp'n stone in my non calculated career...so after being rerouted more times than my GPS try'na find my g-spot by the operator i finally was patched thru to the producer who gave me a 15/20 minute interview inquire'n about my background and why i thought i was a perfect fit fer this episode

before hang'n up from the interview with the producer...i was told they 

would get back to me shortly so i had figered i had aced it perfectly to perfection with just the right amount of phony as fuck tv enthusiasm like all those pathetically jubilant diabetic STD's on "THE PRICE IS RIGHT" and would hear back from them within a week or 2 at max

well...suffice it to say...hollyweird (or in this case) hollyweird adjacent

DOES NOT truly understand the concept of "shortly" in the real world since it would take roughly 3 full seasons to pass before i would finally get a damn return phone call from them and was told to be in Chicago in 2 days and to bring a friend...where there would be 2 round trip tickets wait'n fer us at the airport check-in...this was all so new and extremely exhilarate'n fer me so of course i feverishly rearranged my DNA along with my work schedule and coerced my hot trainer friend Dave to be my plus 1 on the show and 2 days later we were jet sett'n off to the city formerly known as Oprahville

well there ya have it...tune in next week fer part 2 of "ME & MRS JONES"

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

Fruit Fly come bother me

hey kittens…you know that say'n..."BIG things come in small packages!" well…most of the time…it's sometimes true (depend'n how much you REALLY wanna pay fer it)…hey…i'm not here to

judge...i'm just say'n…ya might wanna keep a couple of benjamin's by yer bed stand fer those "rainy nites" after ya reach a certain age

but no worries about shell'n out any shill'ns from yer lil change purse today kittens…cuz have i got a lil snicky snack fer you (and i mean that literally) fer in my informational studio today…i have none other than the pint sized larger than life brilliance…who's been all over the stage…tv and film for the better part of 2 decades…

best known as everyone's fav-o-rit comical keebler elf of the hit series

"Will & Grace"

Leslie Jordan

(insert the clap here)

so Leslie…WOW…i was totally surprised to see you hitch hike'n along the informational highway this morn'n…but i'm so glad i pulled over and pick'd ya up...how the H-E-double hockey sticks are ya?

i don't know what that means

that's MN talk...mean'n "what have ya been up to lately?" 

oh...well in 2006 i won an emmy for a tv show i was on called  

Will and Grace and i thought i was set then it just all went into the shitter...i don't know what happened so i had to reinvent myself

(side note...how very Madonna of you Leslie)

i have a management firm in Palm Springs that books me and i do about 

45 venues a year...i do stand up comedy in gay bars...that's very lucrative and make alotta money doin that

i leave tomorrow and i'm host'n the largest gay dinner for 3000 gay men

in black tie and gay women in Dallas Texas...to raise money for something...i'm not sure what's it 's for

 

yer bank account maybe? (Leslie's laughs)

let's start there and get it outta the way…it's been like what…about 6 years since you starred in a lil hit comedy show that ran fer 8 glorious years called Will and Grace and as you stated you snagged yerself an Emmy in 2006 fer Outstanding Guest Actor in a Comedy Series fer yer portrayal of  not so str8 act'n and appear’n pretentious socialite Beverly Leslie first...that quite frankly…still owe me fer the hospital bills fer putt'n me in stitches every thursday nite…what was it like work’n with such an incredibly funny cast?

well working on Will and Grace was like a turning point for my "tribe" and America and i was really proud to be apart of that cast. 

bein' Karen Walker's non heterosexually closeted nemesis….did that involve a lot of research on yer part?

no...that part was originally written for Joan Collins if you can believe that

she was gonna become the best friend of Karen Walker...

they wanted them to have a spat and pull each others wigs off and Joan Collins balked and they fired her ass so i nailed it on the very first audition...i was told when i first came to Hollywood that i had to get rid of my accent cuz it would limit me cuz i was already such a character then i thought i'm just a marketable package...

i'm not gonna be Robert DeNiro and disappear into a roll...i'm like Dolly Parton...

there's alot of me...just in real life!

i have a serial obsession with Madonna and hope to be play’n one of her many reincarnations in some lifetime movie of the week…

in the very distant future that i'm sure will also star Markie Post...

as some obsessed...down-n-out drunk...divorcee...Madonna wannabe

 

and then i remembered you yerself had an obsession as the non heterosexual perform'n illusionist…locked in the loony bin fer reparative 

therapy try'n to keep the legacy of the late great TAMMY WYNETTE alive in the hilarious black comedy about southern white trailer trash…

"SORDID LIVES"

starr'n "DESIGNING WOMEN" alumni DELTA BURKE and BONNIE BEDELIA

funny lady BETH GRANT

songbird OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN among others

there's that one moment in the movie when you broke down and said...  

"well...someone's got to carry on her legacy now that she's gone!" seriously...it gave me the chills!

and i'm not afraid to say it hear and now…you was absolutely robbed!

how did that not get you nominated fer an oscar fer yer portrayal of Brother Boy? 

 

the movie just didn't do that well i guess
 

then it was turned into a prequel i guess...and made into a tv series

"SORDID LIVES TV SERIES"

what was it like work'n with that sexually charged Golden Girl herself…

 Blanche Deverea on the tv series with RUE McCLANAHAN?

 

i adored her...but i would even say this in front of her...she is a doll but she was having problems with her back and she got on this pain medicine and she was a bitch (laughs) we asked her if she wanted to go out on the road with the show...cuz we were all broke...

people don't know that Rue lost alot of money in that Bernie Madoff fiasco...so she had to go back to work at 73...it was terrible...she was broke...Caroline Rae was broke...i was broke...so we decided to do a "Sordid Evening of Comedy" and hit the road to make some money...we charged $75 a ticket for a meet and greet and that's what Rue hated...she hated the meet and greet cuz she wasn't feeling well cuz at this point she was in a wheel chair...

but she would tell stories about the Golden Girls...

and the audience would just eat it up! She was one of the greats!

you've said "yer the gayest man you know"…grow'n up in a conservative family in Chattanooga…in yer off broadway smash hit...

"MY TRIP DOWN THE PINK CARPET" that traveled the country sides 

which was taken from yer ball bust'n hysterically penned memoir you wrote a few years back…reveal'n celeb run-in's from...

BOY GEORGE

to GEORGE CLOONEY

yer take on Hollyweird…yer fame and yer addictions…gay culture and

just say'n it's OK to be a non heterosexual or non homosexual…just love yerself...that must've been...well a trip fer you? 

well "My Trip Down the Pink Carpet" LILY TOMLIN saw and helped me produce it and we did it in New York and then took it to London...what i talk about in my one man show is myself...it's my favorite subject! growing up gay in the baptist church (i've been baptized 14 times) my dad was a lieutenant colonel in the army and i was not exactly the son he envisioned...i was booked at the Pantages theater in downtown Minneapolis and CAMP heard about my stand up comedy and wanted me to do the show at their theater.

now yer back in the land of 10,000 bottoms…oops…i mean lakes…

with yer brand new show "Fruit Fly" @ CAMP in downtown St Paul...can ya tell my kittens what they can expect this time around? 

well...i was there last year at CAMP in St Paul and fell in love with that city

and the St Paul hotel and all the restaurants in that area...and it was a homo hoe-down...it was packed every single night...word spread and i was getting a nice cross over audience which is always good...what my one man show "FRUIT FLY" is all about is...

it answers the age old question "do gay men become their mothers?"

my mother was the baby of 9 children and my daddy was the baby in his family...so when the babies had a baby...i was photographed relentlessly...i mean how could i have not turned out gay with beanies and matching umbrella's...i was just decorated and trotted out...so i took those stories and did a show around them....it's a performance with flies...music...stories...light cues...it's stories about me with my mother...people were really moved by it...i told my devote baptist mother at 12 years old that i was gay and she always had problems with that and started taking me to christian therapy...and they would pray over me...and they told me when i have urges for sex with someone of the  same sex...it was the voice of the prince of darkness.

it's a full length play...i can promise them alot of laughs but it's much more...it's very moving...and i'm really really proud of it...we booked it in London...Paris...Amsterdam in january and february...so CAMP is actually getting in on the beginnings of something big. CAMP is a wonderful venue so i would love to get a good cross over crowd of both straight and gay people there again

now we've come to the part of the interview i like to call…

can we talk about ME fer a change?

this is where you get to put on yer best Barbara Walters blouse and ask me ANYTHING under the rainbow…and I mean ANYTHING (well except rainbows) that yer die’n to know about this unintentionally internationally unknown perform’n illusionist of her own universe…I swear…I’ll still come to yer show 

have you ever met Lorna Luft...Judy Garland's daughter?

i have not had the pleasure yet...but i have clicked my heels once or twice and said there's no place like a homo!

i wanna thank the ever hysterical…and don't ferget…Emmy award winner…Leslie Jordan fer stopp'n by fer a lil chitter chatter with me

now run out and get tickets today to the hottest show in town starr’n Leslie Jordan in his hit one-man show…

"Fruit Fly"  @ CAMP november 14^th-18^th 

and puhleez…GET OFF MY DRESS!