KISS MY SCRIPTS!

if you were me...and luckily fer me...yer not (THANK CHER!)

we all remember the many trials...tribulations and tawdry nites that one sassy brassy bee-hived beauty and 5 time VFW jitterbug champion Miss Florence Jean Castleberry (who was my all time fav i just hafta say) had endured as a glamorous food delivery technician...along with her cohorts

Alice...Vera...Belle and Jolene...while work'n at that greasy spoon Mel's Diner in Phoenix, Arizona...from the mid 70's to the mid 80's on the hit tv series "Alice"

which was based on the Scorsese dramedy flick from 1974 (that no one under the age of 50 even remembers...sorry Martin) based on a widowed woman and her preteen pimple parade trudge'n across country to restart her dimly lit spotlight career that she gave up years earlier and ended up sling'n hash browns and ho downs

then of course there was thee all time classic cosmic cult film...

"THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW" (that was born from the stage production) in the mid 70's that has held it's title as thee most brilliantly cast...science fiction...double feature...EVER made in the history of cult musicals

that is until 40 some years later...when it got mercilessly slaughter like Jeffery Dahmers dates...by a bunch of PC pricks that turned out this atrociously nauseate'n piece of eye sore'n patheticness fer the modern tv viewer and don't even get me started on the blood curdle'n...chalk board scratch'n...kill'n the neighbors cat "music" seriously...i just can't with this pile of cat vomit!

if you were a gen X'er outcast...(like me) you were root'n fer Veronica & JD

an outsider and an honor student...to make their fascination last ferever...(or at least until the end of the trilogy...that thankfully never happened) everyone was strung out with line after line from the movie...much like a hooker is to heroin...dare'n to ask the question "fuck me gently with a chainsaw...do i look like mother theresa?" to "did you have a brain tumor for breakfast? from the cult classroom classic "HEATHERS" (which also had a decent stage production run fer 4 some years)

the new generation of whatever letter they were at the time...got the equivalent of spam on rye with "MEAN GIRLS"...which was a d-e-c-e-n-t tribute to it's predecessor i can admit (which of course hadda be milked to death...so it to followed suit to the stage...that premiered last year) FINE!...i can let this one slide since the title wasn't reused...like Pam Anderson's STD's (oh come on...don't even try to come at me with yer claws kittens...i read ALL about it in the STAR!)

then there was that time i was make'n my sacrificial meatloaf offer'n to the 

 porcelain god when i came across a trailer fer the beyond vomitous remake of my teen age angst years bein' basturdized into a tv spin-off by just change'n the actors...and PC'n them up...i totally wouldn'ta had have a prob with this concept if they'da just CHANGED THE FUCK'N TITLE and the characters names and pretty much all the ripped off dialogue from the original!

most gen X'ers would agree a more befitt'n title would'a been call'n it "WTF?" instead or how about "OPEN YER MOUTH & LET US TAKE A STEAMY PILE OF ELEPHANT POO DOWN YER THROAT!"

here me out...YES i was glad at the very least to hear HEATHER DUKE was part of this failed concept from the start after all that BS she went thru gett'n booted from that famous zip code years ago then goin thru issues with her dirty pillows and all that the past few couple of year which i predicted 3 years ago would never last past the 1st season and i was thankfully right

now i whole hardheartedly absolutely adored the blood curdlin' remake 

and prequel of the texas chainsaw massacre's by heavy metal heart throbber ROB ZOMBIE and pretty much everything he's ever done...well except...

hey i totally understand...the mortgage was due plus his wifey looked like she was on dramamine after they let a cosmetology drop-out do her hair and make-up fer his tutorial example

BUTT can you believe it...

after putt'n on my Angela Lansbury cap and doin a lil investigate’n...i found out he now plans to redo one of  thee most beloved classic spookilicious slap-stick iconic television series of all time...the original family of fright...

"THE MUNSTERS" into a movie!

cuz what? sadomasochism makes fer great tv?

i DO NOT care that he's plann'n on make'n it into a movie this time around

I DON'T...cuz seriously...ROB BABY...leave it the fiddlers fuck A-L-O-N-E! i’m only think’n of you and how yer gonna completely decimate yer stand'n as the most revered psychologically fucked-in-the-head father of fantastical fright fer this generation...HERMAN LILY GRAMPA EDDIE and both MARILYN's ARE ICONS ironically and CANNOT BE REPLACED (this is not up fer discussion) i even had the pleasure to met GRAMPA EDDIE and the 2nd MARILYN 20 years ago on a halloween hayride in Anoka, MN and all 3 still held onto their characters whimsical charm so hear my desperate plea PLEEEEEEZ and put down yer pen on this project pronto!

ain’t it bad enough that u already ruined my fav-o-rit holiday with these cringe worthy retell’ns?

YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!

didn't they learn anything when the CW tried to desperately milk from...

the gigantic tit machine of NEW YORK...with that colostomy bag prequel after they jumped from the smash tv series to the big screen back to small screen

that ended in a catastrophic cancellation by season 2...first off...CARRIE would'a never had the bank account to wear anything off the runways of fashion week in New York during the 80's cuz she was too busy work'n at Benetton durin' the week after school just fer the discount on all the latest swatch watches and was also a part time cashier at the Orange Julius on the weekends...she would'a been an awkward teen walk'n down the aisles of Woolworths fer the latest Star Hits and Teen Beat magazines...worry'n about bad calories bad skin and bad boy crushes...

and she did that ALREADY...IN THE 80's!

can these lazy ass hollyweird "writers" (and i use that term as loose as i used my x's prolapsed A double snakes years ago) not think of A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G original anymore? i mean really "sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want, and just see what happens" (and that IS NOT a direct quote...but don't quote me on that)

i only got ONE thing to say to all these catastrophic cankersourus retell’ns

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

SPLAT!

we're only weeks away til those dead among us come back to walk the

earth once again...thus...the season of the stalkers has finally begun...and lemme tell ya...me & my dearest friend Peetrinella are like 2 pumpkins in a patch...well...cuz she made out like a bandit last xmas & bday with her h-weenie displays i hadda sell my soul (along with about half of my dignity) just to keep her tap dance'n til the snow starts to blanket the ground and she can put up her gargantuan xmas displays that took the other half of my dignity over the years...though here's hope'n next friday's release of the new HALLOWEEN...spun from the cult classic...to finish off the series 

ain't fucked up like all those of the recent past remakes...fuck'n with my fav-o-rit holiday of the year and turn'n it into a can of less than stellar steamy meh! soup!

though apparently...yer cult status as a scream goddess doesn't pay to cling onto these days...when you can loose yer shit by buy'n stock in activia...just ask Jamie!

when it comes to stalkers i've always considered myself a pretty pacifist...

you fuck with me...and i will pass a fist...to yer face...and it ain't gonna be pretty...KAPEESH!...i mean...have you ever tried pick'n up yer teeth with broken fingers?...well...verbally speak'n of course...i don't need'a break a nail over yer bullshit!

BUTT sometimes...you gotta pull out the big guns!

so late one early nite...after a difficult day at the park...just try'na come up with enough coinage fer a caffeinated beverage...i headed back to my shit 

box to settle down fer an even'n with an Alice marathon...why not!...with cool cucumber slices on my eyes to calm down the baggage i had been carry'n under my eyes after a visit earlier from my neighborhood "gynecologist" who informed me that my onychophogy was back and was not feel'n that great in the end

there was a still chill in the nite air as the sun was take'n a nose dive behind the horizon...and i was without my emergency shawl...so i started pick'n up my pace while pick'n up my ass from scrape'n on the sidewalk...wait...who am i kidd'n...my suppley smooth A double snakes doesn't need a bungee chord just yet...my 48 years young tush is so tight...i can practically turn coal into diamels with one squeeze 

(hey...i'm not that delusional)

with only the mate'n calls of the corner STD's drown'n out the chaos of the city...i could feel the hairs on my chiny chin chin stand at attention as it felt like i was no longer the stalker...but the stalkee

up ahead i could see the corner of my apartment build'n thru the bushes and knew it was best if i didn't look back as to cause any sorta confrontation...just ignore the world behind you and move on...but the sounds were gett'n louder and louder with each nervous step

finally reach'n the back door of my build'n and felt a sigh of exhausted relief come over me...much like my last mistake a week earlier...and as i fumbled thru my keys like Schneider try'na get a sneaky peak of Barbara and Julie runn'n around the apartment in their b-day suits while Anne was at the office...from outta the bushes i was cornered and had no where to go...so i decided to stand my ground and defend myself the best way i knew how 

oh trust me...it was goin down...PREDATOR vs the TERMINATOR

they waited til i was all alone with no one in sight...to make their move...and they apparently knew there'd be no one at that particular moment outside of my shit box...almost as if they had stalked out my place fer weeks on end...follow'n my every nite moves...from pick-up to pick-up...park'n lot to park'n lot...look'n fer the perfect time to pounce on me

though they threw the 1st punch...i made sure not to let them think they had any sorta chance in hell of ever come'n outta this alive...

this was my vietnam moment!

just when i thought i only hadda deal with just the one of these pain in the neck asswipes...5 seconds later a whole damn army of fucktwats decided to join in and started take'n shots at me...a couple to my arms and 1 deep one to the left side of my neck...big fuck'n deal i thought to myself...i've had worse happen to me back in the day...i just didn't want any to the face

well cuz i have'a show come'n up this h-weenie in Winona, MN...and as any true artist out there knows...there's no cover up to cover that shit up!

luckily fer me...i was able to throw in a few good punches i learned from 

the gals in the type'n pool...they weren't expect'n me to fight back like i did...3 or 4 hit the ground hard but they were come'n outta the wood work all around me...and i'm not gonna lie...i was gett'n way too tired to put up with this shit!...are you kidd'n me?...it's 2018...i just wanted to relax with some Alice and the gals at the diner...i thought i was completely done try'na defend'n myself with this sorta bullshit after all these years!

i was cornered like our mentally deranged lie'n sack of pig shit in a room...

 all alone with Mueller...i seriously didn't know if i'd ever get outta this alive

plenty of blood was gonna be shed before the nite was over...i was sure of that...and i was sure as shit gonna make sure it wasn't mine!

i was never one to let anyone get in the last word...and tonite would be

 no exception...FUCK'N PUNKS!!!

they started this whole damn mess but i was gonna be the one to finish it!

i don't care what A-N-Y-O-N-E says...these assholes deserved the death penalty fer what they did to me that nite...those damn mosquitoes ARE NOT yer friend...PERIOD!

now get off my dress!

rehashed trash on a stick!

if you were me...and luckily fer me...yer not (THANK CHER!)

we all remember the many trials...tribulations and tawdry nites that one sassy brassy bee-hived beauty and 5 time VFW jitterbug champion Miss Florence Jean Castleberry (who was my all time fav i just hafta say) had endured as a glamorous food delivery technician...along with her cohorts

Alice...Vera...Belle and Jolene...while work'n at that greasy spoon Mel's Diner in Phoenix, Arizona...from the mid 70's to the mid 80's on the hit tv series "Alice"

which was based on the Scorsese dramedy flick from 1974 (that no one under the age of 50 even remembers...sorry Martin) based on a widowed woman and her preteen pimple parade trudge'n across country to restart her dimly lit spotlight career that she gave up years earlier and ended up sling'n hash browns and ho downs

then of course there was thee all time classic cosmic cult film...

"THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW" (that was born from the stage production) in the mid 70's that has held it's title as thee most brilliantly cast...science fiction...double feature...EVER made in the history of cult musicals

that is until 40 some years later...when it got mercilessly slaughter like Jeffery Dahmers dates...by a bunch of PC pricks that turned out this atrociously nauseate'n piece of eye sore'n patheticness fer the tv viewer...and don't even get me started on the blood curdle'n...chalk board scratch'n...kill'n the neighbors cat "music"...seriously...i just can't!

if you were a gen X'er outcast...(like me) you were root'n fer Veronica & JD

an outsider and an honor student...to make their fascination last ferever...(or at least until the end of the trilogy...that thankfully never happened) everyone was strung out with line after line from the movie...much like a hooker is to heroin...dare'n to ask the question "fuck me gently with a chainsaw...do i look like mother theresa?" to "did you have a brain tumor for breakfast? from the cult classroom classic "HEATHERS" (which also had a decent stage production run fer 4 some years)

the new generation of whatever letter they were at the time...got the equivalent of spam on rye with "MEAN GIRLS"...which was a d-e-c-e-n-t tribute to it's predecessor i can admit (which of course hadda be milked to death...so it to followed suit to the stage...that premiered last year) FINE!...i can let this one slide since the title wasn't reused...like Pam Anderson's STD's (oh come on...don't even try to come at me with yer claws kittens...i read ALL about it in the STAR!)

but as i was make'n my sacrificial meatloaf offer'n to the porcelain god... 

the other day at work...i came across a trailer fer the beyond vomitous remake of my teen age angst years...bein' basturdized into a tv spin-off by just change'n the actors...and PC'n them up...i totally wouldn'ta had have a prob with this concept...if they just CHANGE THE FUCK'N TITLE and the characters names...and pretty much all the ripped off dialogue from the original!

may i suggest call'n it "WTF?" instead...or how about "OPEN YER MOUTH & LET US TAKE A STEAMY PILE OF POO DOWN YER THROAT!"

here me out...YES...i'm at least glad to hear HEATHER DUKE is part of this project at the very least...after all that BS she went thru gett'n booted from that famous zip code...then goin thru issues with her dirty pillows and all the past couple of years

but after putt'n on my Angela Lansbury cap...i found out they wanna redo another of 'merica's classic series...like the original family of fright...

"THE MUNSTERS"

cuz what?...sadomasochism makes fer great tv?

just like they did deep fry'n the series about a single outspoken 

tough as nails broad and her 2 brats that made it on their own terms...on the 70's hit "ONE DAY AT A TIME"

by turn'n it into a craptastic cuban nightmare fer the PC paraders

why not just call it...oh i don't know...
"PAPITAS NOT NEEDED...justa shot of CUERVO on the side"
and call it a damn day!

didn't they learn anything when the CW tried to desperately milk from...

the gigantic tit machine of NEW YORK...with this colostomy bag prequel...

that ended in a catastrophic cancellation by season 2...first off...CARRIE would'a never had the bank account to wear anything off the runways of fashion week in New York during the 80's...cuz she was too busy work'n at Benetton durin' the week after school...just fer the discount on all the latest swatch watches and was also a part time cashier at the Orange Julius on the weekends...she would'a been an awkward teen walk'n down the aisles of Woolworths fer the latest Star Hits and Teen Beat magazine...worry'n about bad calories and boy crushes...

and she did that ALREADY...IN THE 80's!

can these lazy ass hollyweird "writers" (and i use that term as loose as i used my x's plump prolapsed A double snakes) not think of A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G original anymore?...i mean really "sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want, and just see what happens"...(and that IS NOT a direct quote...but don't quote me on that)

i only got ONE thing to say to all these catastrophic cankersourus reboots

now get off my dress!