ME & MRS. JONES pt. 2

"you know i had to sit my big fat tired lazy ass down...oooh what a relief

i'm exhausted...we've been all over the country...me and my jewish piano player...you know how we people get along so well" ~ SANDRA BERNHARD...of course those lucky enough who got to see this fabulous rendition of "ME AND MRS. JONES" by the vivacious vixen MISS BERNHARD be performed in my nightly repertoire when i was start'n out on stage in the 90's at the 90's is also the perfect segway into this week's very blog...don'tcha think?

now that PRIDE is in full swing...just remember you can't bounce on 

all those outta town throat plunger parties without a vat of gun oil lubricant and a gallon of poppers kittens so cash in yer bitcoins and be safe...however...fer those of you that are look'n fer somethin' a lil more substantial amd a lot less suicidal & spermicidal...perhaps consider grabb'n yerself (in the privacy of yer own room sicko) and get tickets to the hottest tour in yer town this summer...

i also wanna add a happy 62nd to the man called BOY this week...therefore...if yer hooked on him as much as i have been since 1982...grab yerself a seat to see CULTURE CLUB this summer as they hit the road in selected cities across the globe and since i got ya on a promotional ticket frenzy...ya might as well get yerself a free ticket to the catch-up train so yer not lost as to what the H-E-double hockey stix is goin on by click'n here fer pt. 1

so once we had landed at O'hare...both me and my new best friend fer the

next 24 hours scurried off to baggage claim to claim our baggage and then hunted down our driver we were promised by the producer who would whisk us away to the studio to meet the rest of the "cast" (i put "cast" in quotes fer a reason kittens...you'll find out soon enough...now on with the program)

this was the 1st time i had ever been inside a stretch limo...and lemme tell

you right now i just felt like i was bein' driven around in a gigantic sperm wagon on wheels...although i've enjoyed the occasional throat plunger thru-out my unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe lifestyle...i much prefer my cars compact like my compact and had no desire to google the area code in order to contact my driver!

and though the guests of THE OPRAH SHOW at the time got to stay 

over  nite at the gorgeously designed and spaciously opulent OMNI hotel in beautiful downtown Chicago...

 

me and Dave were give'n a $50 bar tab at some tacky Howard Johnson 

equivalent sleezy no-tell motel next to the studios...where you were greeted by the lovely afternoon shift in the park'n lot who so generously offered you a sip of their minty fresh swill to take the edge off any stage fright...but hey...$50 is $50 right? H-O-W-E-V-E-R...

i can bet you dimes to donuts though...MARTIKA never had to put up with this kinda shit start'n out!

after we had finished our park'n lot chaser and max'n out our biggest bang

with our newly acquired JENNY bucks at the bar...we met the rest of the "cast" that was gonna be on my episode and keep in mind...i was under the distinct impression that i was come'n on THE JENNY JONES SHOW to display my unique unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe skills since i was that shy and quiet as a kid and now that i was grown up i was a drag queen (well...i was never nor AM NOT old and ugly as that tired title suggests...but that's neither here nor there kapeesh!)

after we had all said our proverbial hello's and doled out our fake hugs

to one another...we were split into 2 groups...the 1st group of the people that were part of my "cast" who were their to hopefully sell their creative accomplishments and parlay them into somethin' bigger...was sent off with this drill sergeant producer to keep us in line and tell us all the do's and don'ts once we were in front of the camera...while Dave and the other plus 1's went off with another show handler to a "secretive" location in the back of the studio i guess

i had always assumed the term "green room" was some highly sensitive 

secretive technical industry term...however...once i got to the desired dress'n room...wouldn't you know it...the room was literally fuck'n green...apple green to be specific!

once i had sectioned off my section on the large wooden picnic tables

set up in front of the brightly lit mirrors...it was time fer me to transform into my stage presentation of the deliciously naughty nurse (which would normally take a 3 hour tour) though i knew i was under time constraints with the show so i worked as fast and as diligently as possible without degrade'n my artistic integrity by block'n out the chatter clatter...sipp'n on my ovaltine and feverishly work'n it out

as some of the other floor mops milled about the room discuss'n how 

they just wanted to go out on stage and basically CHEECH & CHONG their way thru the tape'n (i was the oldest at 26 of the pre-selected "wanna-bee's" after all so i wasn't really work'n with the brightest bulbs on the christmas tree) 3 of the chicklets in the group were in absolute awe of my transformation apparently and wanted me to teach them a few make-up tricks...only a few of them though had stuck out in my mind after all these years...

one of the chicklets wanted to fill out an application to be a new SPICE GIRLS (i christened her SALTY SPICE since she knew how to dish it out)

one of the floor mops wanted to be the new MARILYN MANSON (but looked more like ERNEST BOURGNINE in bad clown make-up and a dusty unbrushed black wig he 5 finger discounted from the 70% off bin at the dollar store...hey these are only obscure memories my dementia riddled mind can recall)

while the youngest of the floor mops wanted to be the lead singer in THE PRODIGY tribute band you could rent fer yer goth wedd'n or briss (though he looked more like a rejected applicant from a HOT TOPIC interview fer huff'n on the manic panic durin' it)

BUTT wait...there's more

once we had all completed our looks fer the stage...one of the producers

came in and gave us a quick run down of who was goin out first and what to expect from the audience and things we could and could not say to them or we would be kicked off/edited from the show (ie: fuck you! kiss my ass! suck my dick! which should'a been a no brainer since this wasn't cable tv however this wasn't their first time at the rodeo) instead they told us to be spirited...animated...laugh...have fun and most of all...try and throw in a "TALK TO THE HAND" or "YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS YOU DON'T HAVE A FACE AND BODY LIKE MINE!"  when possible

i had heard these quotes numerous times on hypnotically tacky daytime 

talk shows from RICKI to JERRY to MONTEL to GERALDO to SALLY JESSE fuck'n RAPHAEL and then i thought to myself (i said self) how is it that many of these train wrecks appear'n on all these shows are practically repeat'n each other on different stages practically verbatim time and time again? NOW I KNOW! they were fed this annoy'n BS before tape'n...it was all so pathetically disappoint'n fer me and i fer one WAS NOT goin to be pigeon holed into ANYONE's lame self centered tag lines... 

so when the time had come fer me to spew this regurgitated vomit...i...ummm..."borrowed" a tag line from my fav-o-rit goth queen "ELVIRA MISTRESS OF THE DARK" movie that i had just watched the previous nite before jet sett'n off to do the show (which i'll get to later)

everyone's nerves were kick'n into high gear and matters didn't help 

when the door attached to our green room opened up and out popped a herd of scantily clad porn stars that apparently had filmed an episode before ours that was about married/date'n couples in the industry of adult entertainment though there was one particular steroided stallion that had strayed from the herd after gett'n a glance of me like a beacon of beauty (since i was almost 7 ft tall in hair and heels) make'n a bee-line straight to my 8 inch shiny red patent luchinni heels...scoop'n me up like a forklift with his massive guns flex'n...rave'n to me how he desperately needed a shot though the massengill magpie i surmised he was attached to was not too pleased with me literally curled up in his gigantic arms caress'n his enormous hard pillow'd pecs

cuz when i got home to develop the film from my instamatic camera (yes all you kittens born after 2000...you had to actually wait 3 to 5 days to see what pix you took and if any actually turned out) which of course the ONLY one that i wanted in full KRYSTAL KLEER view was with this incredible edible HULK (i don't mean that in any Jefferey Dahmer way mind you) though wouldn't you know it...he had asked his maxi pain in the ass to take our pic in the green room...however...all i could see when i picked up my prints was a close up of her fuck'n finger prints with her cheap Lee press on nails hang'n on fer dear life and a bit of my red platform heels (what a complete cuntasaurus!)

it was confirmed that i would be the "show stopper" as in the last guest

to appear out on stage the producer said...then all of a sudden it was as if the seas of porn stars and producers had parted in front of me and there stood this teeny tiny franklin mint of tv talk show figurines MISS JONES herself...check'n out the cast from the island of unfit fortunes...that is until i had caught her eye so she meandered her way thru the crowd and gleefully asked me "wow...from across the room your chest looks so real...who did your make-up?" i simply exclaimed to my newer best friend JENNY "ME!" and she followed it up with "i should hire you to do my make-up" (and that is a direct quote...though i never did get an application)

as we left the green room to cross the hall fer film'n...a line had already 

gathered outside in the hallway fer another show that was bein filmed directly across from ours and though these pleasant pheasants patiently waited to be let into the studio...they also expressed mild shock and awe...glare'n at me in particular like a tractor beam with their death stare aim'n straight fer my Alderaan (well...since i stood above the rest of the flock) 

luckily a handful in line were all too eager to meet me and snap a shitty pic of us together on their motorola flip phone to post on their myspace page...turns out they were in line fer THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW (which would seriously explain all the worn out acid wash guess-what-these-aren't jeans and bad potato sack V-neck tops from The Limited and The Dress Barn)

soon enough...one by one...each member of my group was lead out to  

their death on stage like a cattle call where they would meet up with their plus 1 from the other side while the producer was egg'n the audience on to respond back with questions and cat calls...and lil ol' waify me wait'n patiently in the wings powder'n my nose and watch'n on the monitors as the stage turned into some sorta all to common WWE match between the audiences and the guests while another producer that was stand'n next to me backstage reiterated that i could say and do whatever i wanted just as long as it didn't involve swear'n like a sailor or stripp'n down to my nibbley parts...

oh and to add to the shock value i noticed on the backstage monitor...the title of the show had now been changed to "YOU'RE TOO FREAKY TO BE FAMOUS" to my shock

i was give'n a 5 minute countdown backstage before i was told to break 

thru the doors as the smoke machine filled the corridor which was practically choke’n me off fer what i had assumed was fer tv dramatics...only this time as i was prepare'n to remember to lyp-sync fer my life (years before that o-t-h-e-r drag show) to PEGGY LEE's "FEVER" i noticed on the monitor back stage JENNY look'n straight into the camera say'n "up next after the break is MATTRESS and he thinks he's going to be a bigger supermodel than CINDY CRAWFORD!"

WHAT IN THE HOLY SASHAY SHANTE' LIVE'N FIDDLER'S FUCK IS SHE TALK'N ABOUT?"

tune in next week fer the excrutiate'n conclusion to ME & MRS. JONES

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

ps...on a side note...a part of my past is now deal'n with alot on her plate

at the present...this lil rapp'n ray of sunshine (i'll just call her Miss Calories Calories Calories) recently lost her job of almost a quarter of a century all cuz of her dangerous do rag...no that's not right...i mean her bitch'n Three's Company tee...no wait that's not it either...oh yea...she was deemed an "inconvenience" to her employers all cuz she's deal'n with that foreigner that decided to move in with her unannounced called stage 4 breast cancer (the nerve right?) and then to add more himalayan sea salt to the already painfully open wound...

Jen had to say goodbye to her beloved family pooch Elena of 15 years who was deal'n with her own body malfunction'n in her twilight years unfortunately...so i ask...NO that's not right...i IMPLORE you (yes Jen i do believe you OWE ME fer that one *wink*wink*) if you don't need that mocha choka frappe latte caramel'd caffe'd macchiato and/or can skip yer friday nite date that costs you $2.99 fer the 1st minute fer the next 4 weeks...why not dig deep down in yer nana's coin purse and buy a feel'n by help'n heal a helluva lady out with yer change fer a change! click here fer more info

ME & MRS. JONES pt. 1

picture it kittens...it's 1997 and the all time best indy sleeper hit of the year

that put a spotlight on the often over looked tawdry and very tempt'n lifestyle of a temp worker trapped in cubicle hell...focus'n on the trials and tribulations of what life is really like in the copy room and the supplies nazi who's in charge of it all "CLOCKWATCHERS" starr'n a stellar cast of 4 cackle'n C-U-NEXT-TIME'n besties...fresh off her first indy aussie hit "MURIEL'S WEDDING" a few years earlier TONI COLLETTE..."PARTY GIRL" gem PARKER POSEY..."FRIENDS" alumni LISA KUDROW and ALANNA UBACH

bubblegum euro-popp'n Danish delights AQUA release one of the biggest

mind numb'n thumpers of the year with their infectiously confectionary smash hit "BARBIE GIRL" as the 3rd single off their debut album "AQUARIUM" gain'n the group international fame and an unfortunate lawsuit with the plastic gods...which would also get a 2nd chance at life 26 years later...

remixed with ICE SPICE and NICKI MINAJ (cuz of course...WHY NOT!) appear'n in that no doubt brain dead blockbuster of the summer about that self centered unrecyclable plastic mold that has been indoctrinate'n insecure girls about their bodies around the globe since it's 1st infestation in the 1950's

the people's princess DIANA SPENCER would make her final fateful 

freeway escape from the pesky paparazzi with her driver Henri Paul speed'n like a bat outta hell thru the Pont de l'Alma tunnel in paris that i'm still not entirely convinced to this day was not ordered by someone within the establishment with "outside" influence

and the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her

very own universe (that's me...just in case yer tune'n in fer the very 1st time) would be home "sick" from my day job as mgr of Northwest Athletic Club (currently LIFETIME ripoff FITNESS fee's) cuz i was sick of deal'n with the infamous "KAREN'S" of the sweat'n with the desperado's crowd from the nite before

BUTT wait...before i move on from this...

let's get off my train of thought fer a mere moment...how did it ever come

to fruition that the name "KAREN" would be synonymously linked to all these off-the-wall-bitter-bat-shit-crazy-gluten-free-starbucks-slurp'n-road-rage'n vaginal secretions? cuz seriously kittens...the very 1st thing that pops into my slowly dementia'd mind when i hear the name "KAREN" is that of the soothin' sounds that flow like a cool spring creek from that waify holly hobby dressed songbird KAREN CARPENTER from the 70's supergroup "THE CARPENTER'S"

everyone's fav-o-rit booze chugg'n perfectly quaffed fag hag/beard (depend'n on yer sensitively triggered ego) with the acid tongue and a killer rack KAREN WALKER of the hit series "WILL AND GRACE"

or canadian trampoliner KAREN COCKBURN who won the bronze medal at the 2000 summer olympics and the gold in 2003

from this day forward...let's stop with the besmirch'n of the name KAREN 

and just refer to these short tempered in yer face unfuckable diabetic maxi padd'n piranha princess's with a tenacious tendency to talk shit outta their dilapidated derriere as "KAREN" and refer to them as what they really truly undeniably are...absofuckinlutely cankersour CUNTASAURUS's!

ok now where was i? oh yea...so i called in sick from work and as i was

lounge'n on my then roomie's futon in the live'n room one lazy rainy april afternoon...aimlessly flipp'n thru the channels like some unconscious coach potato when all of a sudden i could feel the spirit of HEATHER O'ROURKE completely possess'n my milky white flesh...bein put into some sorta tv trance...summoned by an evil electronical entity practically pull'n me into the question mark on the screen exclaim'n "were you shy and quiet as a kid and now that your all grown up your a drag queen? if so give us a call!"

well...i did what any unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n

illusionist of their own universe would do...i called the "other" phone line to find a palpable prick to tickle my tonsils that was within walk'n distance since my eggs were about ready to expire (well it had been like 2 months at that point...i had suffered enough) and since i only had roughly 4 hours of uninterrupted bliss to myself before the roomie would return home...i flipped thru the many callous kinky callers like a neurotic nympho from Nantucket in november...unfortunately no one was worthy enough and i was all outta doin any more charitable acts fer the season...

so i opted to call into the other phone line that i had written down...which happened to be the "THE JENNY JONES SHOW"

i had already been a performer of the stage fer roughly 2 years at this lil

particular point in my so called life so this just seemed like the next obvious stepp'n stone in my non calculated career...so after being rerouted more times than my GPS try'na find my g-spot by the operator i finally was patched thru to the producer who gave me a 15/20 minute interview inquire'n about my background and why i thought i was a perfect fit fer this episode

before hang'n up from the interview with the producer...i was told they 

would get back to me shortly so i had figered i had aced it perfectly to perfection with just the right amount of phony as fuck tv enthusiasm like all those pathetically jubilant diabetic STD's on "THE PRICE IS RIGHT" and would hear back from them within a week or 2 at max

well...suffice it to say...hollyweird (or in this case) hollyweird adjacent

DOES NOT truly understand the concept of "shortly" in the real world since it would take roughly 3 full seasons to pass before i would finally get a damn return phone call from them and was told to be in Chicago in 2 days and to bring a friend...where there would be 2 round trip tickets wait'n fer us at the airport check-in...this was all so new and extremely exhilarate'n fer me so of course i feverishly rearranged my DNA along with my work schedule and coerced my hot trainer friend Dave to be my plus 1 on the show and 2 days later we were jet sett'n off to the city formerly known as Oprahville

well there ya have it...tune in next week fer part 2 of "ME & MRS JONES"

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

SIMPLY THE BEST

picture it kittens...the year was 1975 and director STEVEN SPIELBERG

was take'n a bite outta the box office while scare'n the holy live'n shit out of his audiences and cement'n my #1 reason while i will never step aboard a carnival cruise to sail the mighty seas anytime soon with his 1st #1 blockbuster "JAWS"

while most of the patrons of Studio 54 tried keep'n it together by simply 

mainline'n an 8ball off the bathroom floors just to get throat fucked by a throat plunger in the stalls...CAPTAIN and TENILLE simply sang their sappy song state'n "LOVE WILL KEEP US TOGETHER"

techno nerds BILL GATES and PAUL ALLEN created the rise and fall of

non verbal communicado and the beginn'n to the eventual end of yer dads...yer grand dads and yer local corner barber shops subscriptions to all those adult entertainment magazines that came delivered discretely wrapped in that non judgemental brown paper package'n with their microsoft computer

and i began my life long love affair with the QUEEN OF ROCK N ROLL 

when i first watched the powerhouse with the pipes known simply as TINA TURNER perform'n "SHAME SHAME SHAME" with CHER on "THE CHER SHOW" with my dad

though it would be almost another 10 years before i became reacquainted 

once again with the lady and her stilettoed mile high legs when she dropped her 1st single off her 5th solo album "PRIVATE DANCER" in 1984 declare'n after all her years of abuse at the hands of her X husband "WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT" which initially TINA had no desire to record...went on to be her 1st solo #1 song that won her record of the year...song of the year and best female singer of the year at the 1985 Grammy awards 

that also spawned the ball to the walls hit "BETTER BE GOOD TO ME" 

the steamy cover of AL GREEN's "LET'S STAY TOGETHER" 

the sultry "PRIVATE DANCER" and though not released as a video "STEEL CLAW" was my all time fav-o-rit unreleased single off the album 

that same year...BRYAN ADAMS hopped aboard the unstoppable TINA TURNER train and released their duet off his album "RECKLESS" called "IT"S ONLY LOVE"

by the follow'n year...TINA went from the small screen to the silver screen

play'n AUNTY ENTITY in the blockbuster "MAD MAX BEYOND THUNDERDOME" which spawned the melodramatic single "WE DON'T NEED ANOTHER HERO" and the lesser though personally my fav-o-rit powerfully explosive hit "ONE OF THE LIVING" 

by 1986 TINA had released "BREAK EVERY RULE" that i pretty much

hadda purchase twice since i had wore out my 1st cassette play'n it non stop in my magnavox dual cassette player with detachable speakers...release'n the snarky "TYPICAL MALE" the country rock sounds of "WHAT YOU GET IS WHAT YOU SEE" and the gritty "BACK WHERE YOU STARTED" that earned TINA another Grammy fer best female rock performance in 1987...perform'n 218 shows on 5 continents fer her "BREAK EVERY RULE TOUR" sell'n out stadiums at almost 50 years old

once the 90's rolled around...TINA would earn a whole new respect and an

entirely new audience when she was inducted into the ROCK N ROLL HALL OF FAME with her time under IKE in 1991 and then once again as one of only a handful of artists who would be inducted fer a 2nd time as a solo artist in 2021

in 1993 movie goers would witness the brilliant though often brutal life 

portrayed by the tough as nails actress ANGELA BASSET in the heart wrench'n biopic of TINA's life "WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT"

which of course made me upgrade all my 3 TINA cassettes to cd with the soundtrack bein my 1st major purchase that i found at LET IT BE records on the nicollette mall in the downtown Minne-Apple area where i ended up spend'n endless hours click...click...click'n my way thru TINA's back catalogue discover'n more brilliant tunes from her... 

like the 1966 PHIL SPECTOR hit "RIVER DEEP MOUNTAIN HIGH" which was the 1st song TINA recorded without her X...

 and further click...click...click'n to tunes from her time in the IKE and TINA TURNER REVUE days with the Creedence Clearwater Revival remake of  "PROUD MARY" make'n me roll'n...roll'n...roll'n down the record aisles which they released in 1971 earn'n TINA her 1st Grammy with IKE

in 1973 TINA penned the semi-autobiographical tune "NUTBUSH CITY LIMITS" that was about her hometown life in Nutbush Tennessee which would be the last hit song TINA would ever record with IKE

TINA would then jump from the microphone to the movie screen in 1975 

as the acid queen in WHO's bizarrely entertain'n rock opera "TOMMY"

by 1976 TINA had divorced IKE and went out on her own as a solo act

work'n discotheques and dinner clubs from the late 70's thru-out the early 80's with funk infused hits like "DISCO INFERNO" and "BALL OF CONFUSION" until her big break finally came in '84

before the clock struck one on the new millennium...TINA would release

her dance hit "WHEN THE HEARTAHCE IS OVER" in 1999 which would be the title track off her 10th and final solo album "TWENTY FOUR SEVEN"

i was lucky enough to snag killer seats to catch the energetic goddess live 

on her stops in the Minne-Apple back in 2000 and then once again in 2008 on her final tour and trust me...neither concert disappointed nor did they slow TINA down from the moment the lights went up til moment the curtains came down

2019 brought us the much anticipated open'n of the musical "TINA" on 

broadway and in 2020 ADRIENNE WARREN who portrayed TINA on stage would snag herself a Tony fer her brilliant performance as the lead'n lady in a musical and by 2023 i FINALLY lucked out and got to see the tour stop in the Minne-Apple in april

the same year Adrienne won her Tony...TINA...now 80...reworked the hit

that she had recorded 36 years earlier at the age of 44 where she became the oldest singer to ever release a #1 smash song...with norweigan dj KYGO fer a whole new flock of fans on the dance floor in 2020 with "WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT"

with the pandemic cause'n chaos thru-out much of the planet in 2021

the only thing that occupied my mind was the heart felt last love letter given to her many die hard fans around the world as one last final look into the wonderous world of a true living legend who was born from humble beginn'ns on the cotton fields...to survive'n a torturous marriage and the many other life challenges...prove'n her resilience and resurrection to became a rock star at 44...stand'n out from the shadows of her past when most female singers in the biz were considered washed up by 30...to become the global phenomenon known as TINA TURNER with an untouchable career spann'n 6 decades spoken in her own words

though she got a good taste of the limelight under IKE's control...TINA  

had eclipsed and surpassed her abusive and control'n coke filled X by a million miles...by build'n her own indestructible path as the undeniable comeback QUEEN OF ROCK N ROLL with just 36 cents to her name...turn'n her bruises into a battle cry...her tears into triumph and break'n down all the rules of the music industries standards of what a truly colossal superstar really is...there will never be another like TINA TURNER in my lifetime...you will always be "SIMPLY THE BEST"

enjoy this eclectic mix of a true diamond in the rough

now  GET OFF MY DRESS!