that we've all suffered thru...why...just the undeniable fact that yer still read'n me after all these years is a complete and total testament to yer unmitigated torture in itself just like when that tooth picked teenaged terror with telekinesis who torched her class mates just cuz she didn't "plug it up" in 1976 (kittens...you should never fuck with the quiet ones...trust me!)
stand'n in line behind one of those "i wanna speak to the manager" anti vaxx'n cuntaroo's at the neighborhood piggy wiggly pharmaceutical counter while yer just try'n to pay fer yer antibiotics to clear up that burn'n sensation you've left unchecked fer 3 months
find'n out you drank one too many bang-cock bangers at yer kids PTA meet'n with the principle at that motel 6 in the next county over
with the holiglaze seasoning in full swing...fuck the football torture when
the fam comes over to mooch off all yer mashed potatoes...cranberried slosh and whatever fix'ns yer fix'n to fix up this year...staple their A double snakes down to the davenport and hot glue their eyelids to their eyebrows and force 'em to watch what is sure to sweep the viewer's choice fer the Razzies at next years award show
if yer look'n fer an homage to those tacky classic 80's chiller thrillers
of the yester years then look no further cuz trust me when i say how utterly shocked i was when i was left a message on my answer'n machine outta the blue one even'n return'n home after a strenuous day at the park try'na sell tickets to my nervous breakdown from none other than NY's finest colostomitic critic GENE SHALIT who left me a few comfort'n words after preview'n an unauthorized copy of my latest tale of terror on Grindr
"some films could have only been cast in one way...screen tests were given and the loser got the part...it's a piercing film and that's the critics corner for this morning" (and that is a direct quote)
BUTT that ain't all...
he also informed me that i had indeed won the award fer best dramatic migraine from a motion picture short...in history...awwwww...i'm in utter awe...that's like a compliment i'll remember fer as long as i can!
of course i I-M-M-E-D-I-A-T-E-L-Y put pen to paper to write my gracious
and heartless acceptance speech...i wanted to of course come off as inappropriately thankful and utterly humbled as possible "i'd like to thank all the lil people along the way…however…i don't do anything under 8 inches any more" i ask you...was that too ungratefully honest?
i'm so ever grateful fer the special appearance in my chiller thriller debut
with my LEE's...i searched dollar stores all over MN from Dakota to Dodge Center til i found the absolute perfect 80's clitorectomy length and fer just the right shade of cold blooded killer polish
SPIELBERG...SCORSESE and BURTON are obviously kick'n themselves
at this point that they had passed on this glorious opportunity to further expose their minimal career and more importantly MEEEEE...however...i am a very forgive'n unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...
ergo...call me guys...i'm wait'n in!
with that in mind i wanna thank my absofuckinglutely beyond brilliant
visionary director TONY LARSON fer see'n my colossal potential as box office poison and look forward to ruin'n the sequels "FLIP PHONE" and "CELL PHONE" in the near future
i also wanna give a soft clap to the makers of Swanson's potpies...all the caterers at PIGGLY WIGGLY (please contact yer local PIGGLY WIGGLY in yer area fer all yer cater'n needs) and of course no one else but ME!
though i beg of you…no scratch that…i mean i implore you to hold off on yer generous reviews…we didn’t have any more money in the budget fer another continuity person…well cuz i shot the first one that we had by accident…in the eye! (luckily i still had some penicillin left over in my prada)
what?…too soon?…sue me!
hope i've give'n you a good enough reason to buy bulk in bufferin
now GET OFF MY DRESS!
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