some time in their life or at the very least...at least...to be able to speak to them from beyond the grave from time to time fer the right dime of course (hey the estates of the dead don't make a pretty penny fer nothin')
with the hallowed season upon us...it's that time again fer all the lil kittens
to dress up as their fav-or-it mini celebrusaurus and beg their neighbors within a mile radius to fill their fake fendi satchels full of the latest non denominational non binary non electronical goodies to rot their non decayed choppers til it’s non white friday
i myself...bein thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n
illusionist of my own universe of course...know all to well about the trials and tribulations us future celebrusaurus's will have to endure just to keep the basic commoners (much like yerself that tune in every week cuz yer too weak to walk away before read'n my highly uninformative gibberish halfway fer the past decade plus) remotely interested in our legacy once we've reach the great beyond
we all know about the fair share of run-ins i myself have had with other
unfossilized celebrusaurus's thru out my dimly lit career from the MISTRESS OF THE DARK to the QUEEN OF ENGLAND and everyone in between
i've even had the absofuckinlute pleasure to have a mini chitty chitty
bang bang gabfest with other past their prime future celebrusaurus's like NY's very own archaic road kill LADY BUNNY...WILL & GRACE's colostomitic keebler elf LESLIE JORDAN and everyone's fav-o-rit pain in the ass from the prairie ALISON ARNGRIM to name drop just a few (before they all unfortunately hadda put a restrain'n order out on my perky A double snakes cuz i kept text invite'n myself over fer sunday brunch even though i have zero clue of their whereabouts)
BUTT anyways...click here in case you missed out on pt. 1!
well...hold on to yer yellowed stained corn-on-the-cob choppers kittens
cuz today we here at the unlawful orifices' of GET OFF MY DRESS have F-I-N-A-L-L-Y secured an annoy'n exclusive one-on-one pow wow
with the regrettable edible KRYSTAL KLEER
by the late great ghost of JOAN RIVERS from far beyond the grave thanx to the magic of the ouiga
so darling KRYSTAL...i wanna thank you ever so for finally take'n the time
to contact me from the great beyond...i haven't heard a damn peep from that bitch of a daughter of mine Melissa or my ungrateful grandson Cooper...they made off with my millions...my QVC jewelry line and my gorgeous penthouse in NY...i carried that gold digging cunt to full term even though i had second thoughts every time i hung up my coat in the hall closet...she ruined my figure gnaw'n on my insides and making me as big as a house fer 9 god damn months...when my water broke my dog drowned...then she turns around and sells everything...hires a buddhist therapist to start repressed false memory therapy to prove she's the real daughter of JOAN CRAWFORD...
oh yea cuz that worked out so well fer CHRISTINA you untalented twat!
KRYSTAL you don't what it's like on this side...ARRRRRGH...every day of eternity with my beloved EDGAR...i finally got to ask him why did he kill himself all those years ago and he admitted to me the day i crossed over (thanx to that fuck'n throat specialist...accident my boney ass) he said "JOANIE it was all your fault really...we were making mad passionate love and you took the bag off your head!"
fuck him...like he was some passionate prize package...my love life with Edgar was like a slice of swiss cheese…most of it was missing and what’s there stinks…it was so bad that my G spot was declared a historic landmark…we bought a water bed in the 70's and he stocked it full of trout and towards the end right before he pulled the trigger he got so fat stuff'n his face with everything but my vagina that i even caught him putt'n mayonnaise on his aspirin though i can't blame him for doin what he did really...i can honestly admit i have no sex appeal…when peeping tom's peek in my window they pull down the shades…my gynecologist examines me over the telephone!
anyways...i'm glad you found me on yer board during that damn pandemic your dealing with up there to talk to me about your miserable existence so what have you been up to my dear since all that covid chaos started?
first off...pandemic? i say fandemic! i swear to CHER i could barely leave my shitbox Joan...i mean my quaint lil shitbox of course...i started feel'n like a schizophrenic gerbil goin from my modest 2 room rental so eventually i forced myself to wander out and about once i received my recommended shots...however...from the freeways to the food shelves i was constantly bein hounded by those "karens" everywhere try'na catch me off guard so they could cash in on selfish selfies by sell'n em fer a handful of pathetic pennies to those christian periodical magazines as if i'm some sorta harlet of hellfire
though i did manage to give back to the community by host'n a highly successful BINGO marathon at some dt Minne-Apple health spa sperm bank right before lockdown fer those cripples cling'n on to hope over at the MS foundation
oh and i finally turned the BIG 5-0!
now that we're all caught up...why don't we just get to the real reason fer
this slightly annoy'n but highly anticipated sit down...a lil birdie tells me that you've decided to enter back into the world of film after years of hiatus ever since you first appeared and was unfortunately discovered in some "DOOSH A-WAY" commercial
well yes it's true...i did try launch'n my very own liquor line back in 2012 i believe it was however i couldn't get anyone to contribute to my gofukyerself account so i lost all confidence in my product and drank my way into a mini vaca at the beautiful BETYY FORD bungalow's in Center City, MN
my latest and greatest project though almost didn't happen to be honest cuz when i found out the other ladies that i was up against fer this coveted role but then i said to myself NO! who says i'm not as worthy as MERYL...JULIAN and GLENN...we're all in our advanced years...they all may have Oscars under their belt nonetheless in spite of that at least i've take'n a belt off an Oscar or 5 over the years and thankfully i feel just as fulfilled fill'n them up!
i heard there was some sorta controversy when you had premiered your
latest flick "TELEPHONE" at the TUNA CANNES FILM FESTIVAL in Sheboygan Iowa...care to elaborate on the rumors?
well i'm not one to gossip but i overheard game show spectacle of "TIC TAC DOUGH" fame WINK MARTINDALE was busted tapp'n his twinkle toes in some sorta fornicational morse code to an undercover policeman in the stall next to mine...though i'll deny it if anyone asks me outright!
do you have any other plans to do a follow up in the footsteps of most
films of horror fav-o-rits like JASON...FREDDY and MICHAEL and might yer audience perhaps be see'n a trilogy to "TELEPHONE" in the near future?
it's funny you should ask that JOAN cuz this film was almost not made...see what had happened was i almost walked off the set on day 1 of film'n since my rider demands weren't met...i mean is it ask'n too much fer powder green m&m's to match my powder green eyes...powder green contacts and a slovakian chef to feed them to me? (the m&m's not the contacts in case yer confused) luckily my multiple personality manager inside my head convinced me to fergo the amenities at this time around
so my fabulous director TONY LARSON and myself had discussed the other day about take'n the profits from "TELEPHONE" which takes place in the 80's...to bank role that into a 90's follow-up called "FLIP PHONE" and of course fer the new gender fluid non dairy binary canary millennials we'd of course have to do a non scary "CELL PHONE" which would be the scariest of them all cuz it's like a trilogy of terror when yer cell goes off while yer try'na get off in some raunchy rest stop though we'll probably wait fer the receipts from "TELEPHONE" to come in before anything else happens...i'll keep ya posted!
here's a few behind the scenes from my colossal cringe fest...you think it's sooo damn easy bein me however hand placement is completely crucial...it can make or break a scene...i also hadda do a few "look into the light Carol Ann" shots fer the dream sequence as well (i was see'n spots fer days)
this was me take'n a break on location film'n the open'n scene on the last day after a month and a half of shoot'n...i hadda do this scene over like 15 times cuz desperado's were try'na consume my spotlight walk'n up the sidewalk on a beautiful wednesday even'n...coincidentally this was also the location of the wrap party which was lack'n any sorta open bar or buffet (well it wasn't in the budget i was told) good thing there was some hummus and stale saltines still left at the bottom of the purse that i bought at a rummage sale last year
well i think...i mean i absolutely know...your kittens would be interested
so let's turn the tables to the director TONY LARSON fer a change...so tell me TONY the readers want to know what exactly made you decide to want to film this tale of terror with that terror KRYSTAL and how ever did you manage to get the unintentionally internationally unknown performing illusionist of her own universe to get on board in the first place?
well then…i guess he’s prepp’n for the premiere…move’n on!
ok so i guess i'll follow yer lead from the past interviews that you've done
"can we talk about ME fer a change?"
so ask me KRYSTAL darling anything you wanna know about me except about those fuck'n rainbows cuz that's just lazy journalism
ok JOAN...i heard yer somewhat to blame fer the downfall of the late
MICHAEL JACKSON by give'n him some advice on date'n...can you elaborate on that?
i can admit that the whole downfall to MICHAEL JACKSON's career was
entirely my fault...i told him to only date 28 year old's...
who knew he was gonna find 20 of them & i don’t wanna hear any of you out there gimme any grief over that one so on that note toodaloo cuntaroo!
i wanna thank the dearly deceased JOAN RIVERS fer come'n on over
from the other side to bask in my dimly lit spotlight and chitter chatter’n with me fer a mere moment in time...i wished we could'a talked a bit longer but i dropped my dignity all over the ouija board and we lost our connection though presumably i can now marinate in my fame fer a moment since my dimly lit spotlight just got ginormous with MY NAME FINALLY ON THE MARQUEE!
hope you enjoy our desperate attempt at terrify'n you with "TELEPHONE" and have yerself a helluva hweenie and here's hope'n yer trick won't treat you with an uncomfortable uber ride to the red door clinic in the morn'n!
now GET OFF MY DRESS!
No comments:
Post a Comment