OXY MORON!

well now that mother nature's turned down the thermostat and booked a 

one way to Barbados fer a much deserved vaca fer the next 6 months after over hear'n about all the bullshit shenanigans at the latest COP26  summit in Glasgow with those paid to play pricks of the planet...pack'n her bags full of all the essentials one would need...like 1000 proof sunscreen to keep her creamy milky white flesh as fresh as a daisy...a cosmo in a big gulp...a colostomy bag fer the big gulp so she won't have to mill about the plane while in motion...her solar powered vibrate'n rabbit (hey even though she's just as old as dirt...she's well aware of all the global fuckery we've done to her work of art and doin her part to try and reverse what she can...plus she's got urge's too)

and the latest greatest memoir from the MISTRESS OF THE DARK fer her flight (A MUST READ) leave'n us with a slight chill in the air turn'n every day ordinary unemployed assholes at my local library that i've utilized on a weekly basis fer years now...

look'n fer an easy payday from Judge Judy...lemme explain

so there i was last week triple check'n my hard hitt'n journalistic endeavors

make'n sure that all my mispell's were spelled incorrectly (of which they were thankfully) and i noticed the douche rag sitt'n directly opposite of me at the computer not wear'n his mask correctly as stated at the front door when you enter the library and then again on the GIGANTIC sign once inside (you know...just in case you were too distracted from swipe'n left or right on TINDER or GRINDR...depend'n howeva ya butter yer breadstick) 

instead...wear'n his mask it as if it were some unattainable hope diamond molested in $20,000 worth of Harry Winston's white diamonds around his worn out weathered neck

the library of course has always had a security guard on the off chance 

that some book worms decide to turn things into some sorta twisted world wrestle'n smack down 

over the last copy of SUZANNE SOMERS heartbreak'n book of poetic genius!

BUTT wait...there's more...

so as i try not to turn this situation into some "KAREN" moment cuz i was 

not camera ready this particular afternoon...i noticed the security guard step forward and lightly tap the douche rag on the shoulder once to no avail...i'm sorry...that's not accurate and very insensitive of me...i meant that mentally deranged cock suck'n mutha fuck’n pig slutt'n anal wart...so i decided to mute my music and once again said security man politely gestured to him to pull the mask up over his entire mouth and nose...clearly a very simple universal command and not to be confused with a sadistic request...it was library law after all!

well you'da thought the gates of all hell fire rammed a hot poker up his 

dilapidated jaxie cuz once the offend'n perpetrate'n prick locked his eyes onto mr. security man...he went off like a psychotic snake leap'n outta his assigned seat engorge'n his neck and vommit'n expletives that would turn a tap dance'n tourette'ser into a puddle of tears...spew'n a barrage of demands like he'd have the security guards badge...that he'd be removed from his position by days end and sanctioned his boss's personal number from the staff cuz he was plann'n on a huge pay out 

once he'd have his spotlight dance with Judge Judy in the very near future apparently from the sound of it all!

well...i had had my share of "KAREN" encounters fer the year at this point

so i decided to turn the volume back up on the pleasant sounds of one Burt Bacharach that i was listen'n to as the smack down began (why not!) and rattled of an anonymous letter of support fer the berated officer lett'n the staff know the exact 411 then slipped it into the outside book return... 

as not to be the cause of some twisted Fabulous Moolah/Wendy Richter meaningless moment with this obnoxious asswipe

2 days later as i returned to the scene of the inflammatory incident...i'm 

happy to report mr. security guard was still patrol'n the place and i had received a personal heartfelt thankyou from mr. librarian seconds after i sat down at my assigned computer who figered out that i indeed was the one that had sent the letter of support thru the outside book return

the only other time i've ever written a letter of support was to the daddy of 

daytime dirt removal tv who promoted the fuck outta OXY CLEAN back in the 90's to let him know how pleased i was with their stain removal product...it went somethin' like this...

Dear Billy Mays...i'm contact'n you about my recent use of yer product...

see what had happened was...my roomie at the time worked my last nerve constantly use'n my ELECTRIC YOUTH PERFUME by teenage sweet tart DEBBIE GIBSON when meet'n up with his "massage" clients without my consent and i had an impromptu date with someone one even'n who had answered my message in the back section of the "chance encounters" inside the free local paper that was like my bible at the time and on this particular even'n there was not a spritz to spray me with so after a few heated altercational words with said roomie...i ended up with his blood on my blouse

well i had just happened to notice that my roomie had one scoop left of 

yer product left in the bucket of OXY CLEAN that was sitt'n next to his boombox on the shelf in his bedroom and i was on a deadline so i decided to give it a go since you've always mesmerized me durin' all those infomercials on my lunch breaks from clean'n out the booths at the video store i worked at at the time and to my amazement...the stain came out

in fact the removal was soo good that when the detectives asked to test 

my blouse at the labs i was told emphatically that his DNA was no where to be seen on my shirt and luckily my roommate's "client" who just happened to be a lawyer i also met on a "chance encounter" said i was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my roomie...well you can imagine how relieved i was to hear this good news so in close'n i will be rave'n about yer product to all my hormonally charged friends

well...i gotta go now...i have'ta telephone the makers of  GLAD 3-ply garbage bags fer an absofuckinlutely bang up job they did on the durability of their product

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

TELEPHONE pt.3

there are many scary ass shit situations in life at one point or another

that we've all suffered thru...why...just the undeniable fact that yer still read'n me after all these years is a complete and total testament to yer unmitigated torture in itself just like when that tooth picked teenaged terror with telekinesis who torched her class mates just cuz she didn't "plug it up" in 1976  (kittens...you should never fuck with the quiet ones...trust me!) 

stand'n in line behind one of those "i wanna speak to the manager" anti vaxx'n cuntaroo's at the neighborhood piggy wiggly pharmaceutical counter while yer just try'n to pay fer yer antibiotics to clear up that burn'n sensation you've left unchecked fer 3 months

find'n out you drank one too many bang-cock bangers at yer kids PTA meet'n with the principle at that motel 6 in the next county over

with the holiglaze seasoning in full swing...fuck the football torture when 

the fam comes over to mooch off all yer mashed potatoes...cranberried slosh and whatever fix'ns yer fix'n to fix up this year...staple their A double snakes down to the davenport and hot glue their eyelids to their eyebrows and force 'em to watch what is sure to sweep the viewer's choice fer the Razzies at next years award show

       click here fer pt 1      click here fer pt 2         

if yer look'n fer an homage to those tacky classic 80's chiller thrillers

of the yester years then look no further cuz trust me when i say how utterly shocked i was when i was left a message on my answer'n machine outta the blue one even'n return'n home after a strenuous day at the park try'na sell tickets to my nervous breakdown from none other than NY's finest colostomitic critic GENE SHALIT who left me a few comfort'n words after preview'n an unauthorized copy of my latest tale of terror on Grindr

"some films could have only been cast in one way...screen tests were given and the loser got the part...it's a piercing film and that's the critics corner for this morning" (and that is a direct quote) 

BUTT that ain't all...

he also informed me that i had indeed won the award fer best dramatic migraine from a motion picture short...in history...awwwww...i'm in utter awe...that's like a compliment i'll remember fer as long as i can!

of course i I-M-M-E-D-I-A-T-E-L-Y put pen to paper to write my gracious

and heartless acceptance speech...i wanted to of course come off as inappropriately thankful and utterly humbled as possible "i'd like to thank all the lil people along the way…however…i don't do anything under 8 inches any more" i ask you...was that too ungratefully honest?

i'm so ever grateful fer the special appearance in my chiller thriller debut 

with my LEE's...i searched dollar stores all over MN from Dakota to Dodge Center til i found the absolute perfect 80's clitorectomy length and fer just the right shade of cold blooded killer polish

SPIELBERG...SCORSESE and BURTON are obviously kick'n themselves

at this point that they had passed on this glorious opportunity to further expose their minimal career and more importantly MEEEEE...however...i am a very forgive'n unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe... 

ergo...call me guys...i'm wait'n in!

with that in mind i wanna thank my absofuckinglutely beyond brilliant  

visionary director TONY LARSON fer see'n my colossal potential as box office poison and look forward to ruin'n the sequels "FLIP PHONE" and "CELL PHONE" in the near future

i also wanna give a soft clap to the makers of Swanson's potpies...all the caterers at PIGGLY WIGGLY (please contact yer local PIGGLY WIGGLY in yer area fer all yer cater'n needs) and of course no one else but ME!

click here if you'd like to actually loose 15 of the most downright precious pain stake'n minutes of yer life courtesy of my uncanned Shakespearean abilities 

though i beg of you…no scratch that…i mean i implore you to hold off on yer generous reviews…we didn’t have any more money in the budget fer another continuity person…well cuz i shot the first one that we had by accident…in the eye! (luckily i still had some penicillin left over in my prada)

what?…too soon?…sue me!

hope i've give'n you a good enough reason to buy bulk in bufferin

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

TELEPHONE pt. 2

everyone out there wants to either become friends with a celebrusaurus

some time in their life or at the very least...at least...to be able to speak to them from beyond the grave from time to time fer the right dime of course (hey the estates of the dead don't make a pretty penny fer nothin')

with the hallowed season upon us...it's that time again fer all the lil kittens

to dress up as their fav-or-it mini celebrusaurus and beg their neighbors within a mile radius to fill their fake fendi satchels full of the latest non denominational non binary non electronical goodies to rot their non decayed choppers til it’s non white friday

i myself...bein thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n

illusionist of my own universe of course...know all to well about the trials and tribulations us future celebrusaurus's will have to endure just to keep the basic commoners (much like yerself that tune in every week cuz yer too weak to walk away before read'n my highly uninformative gibberish halfway fer the past decade plus) remotely interested in our legacy once we've reach the great beyond

we all know about the fair share of run-ins i myself have had with other

unfossilized celebrusaurus's thru out my dimly lit career from the MISTRESS OF THE DARK to the QUEEN OF ENGLAND and everyone in between

i've even had the absofuckinlute pleasure to have a mini chitty chitty

bang bang gabfest with other past their prime future celebrusaurus's like NY's very own archaic road kill LADY BUNNY...WILL & GRACE's colostomitic  keebler elf LESLIE JORDAN and everyone's fav-o-rit pain in the ass from the prairie ALISON ARNGRIM to name drop just a few (before they all unfortunately hadda put a restrain'n order out on my perky A double snakes cuz i kept text invite'n myself over fer sunday brunch even though i have zero clue of their whereabouts)

BUTT anyways...click here in case you missed out on pt. 1!

well...hold on to yer yellowed stained corn-on-the-cob choppers kittens 

cuz today we here at the unlawful orifices' of GET OFF MY DRESS have F-I-N-A-L-L-Y secured an annoy'n exclusive one-on-one pow wow 

with the regrettable edible KRYSTAL KLEER

by the late great ghost of JOAN RIVERS from far beyond the grave thanx to the magic of the ouiga 

so darling KRYSTAL...i wanna thank you ever so for finally take'n the time 

to contact me from the great beyond...i haven't heard a damn peep from that bitch of a daughter of mine Melissa or my ungrateful grandson Cooper...they made off with my millions...my QVC jewelry line and my gorgeous penthouse in NY...i carried that gold digging cunt to full term even though i had second thoughts every time i hung up my coat in the hall closet...she ruined my figure gnaw'n on my insides and making me as big as a house fer 9 god damn months...when my water broke my dog drowned...then she turns around and sells everything...hires a buddhist therapist to start repressed false memory therapy to prove she's the real daughter of JOAN CRAWFORD...

oh yea cuz that worked out so well fer CHRISTINA you untalented twat!

 KRYSTAL you don't what it's like on this side...ARRRRRGH...every day of eternity with my beloved EDGAR...i finally got to ask him why did he kill himself all those years ago and he admitted to me the day i crossed over (thanx to that fuck'n throat specialist...accident my boney ass) he said "JOANIE it was all your fault really...we were making mad passionate love and you took the bag off your head!" 

fuck him...like he was some passionate prize package...my love life with Edgar was like a slice of swiss cheese…most of it was missing and what’s there stinks…it was so bad that my G spot was declared a historic landmark…we bought a water bed in the 70's and he stocked it full of trout and towards the end right before he pulled the trigger he got so fat stuff'n his face with everything but my vagina that i even caught him putt'n mayonnaise on his aspirin though i can't blame him for doin what he did really...i can honestly admit i have no sex appeal…when peeping tom's peek in my window they pull down the shades…my gynecologist examines me over the telephone!

anyways...i'm glad you found me on yer board during that damn pandemic your dealing with up there to talk to me about your miserable existence so what have you been up to my dear since all that covid chaos started?

first off...pandemic? i say fandemic! i swear to CHER i could barely leave my shitbox Joan...i mean my quaint lil shitbox of course...i started feel'n like a schizophrenic gerbil goin from my modest 2 room rental so eventually i forced myself to wander out and about once i received my recommended shots...however...from the freeways to the food shelves i was constantly bein hounded by those  "karens" everywhere try'na catch me off guard so they could cash in on selfish selfies by sell'n em fer a handful of pathetic pennies to those christian periodical magazines as if i'm some sorta harlet of hellfire

though i did manage to give back to the community by host'n a highly successful BINGO marathon at some dt Minne-Apple health spa sperm bank right before lockdown fer those cripples cling'n on to hope over at the MS foundation

oh and i finally turned the BIG 5-0!

now that we're all caught up...why don't we just get to the real reason fer 

this slightly annoy'n but highly anticipated sit down...a lil birdie tells me that you've decided to enter back into the world of film after years of hiatus ever since you first appeared and was unfortunately discovered in some "DOOSH A-WAY" commercial

well yes it's true...i did try launch'n my very own liquor line back in 2012 i believe it was however i couldn't get anyone to contribute to my gofukyerself account so i lost all confidence in my product and drank my way into a mini vaca at the beautiful BETYY FORD bungalow's in Center City, MN 

my latest and greatest project though almost didn't happen to be honest cuz when i found out the other ladies that i was up against fer this coveted role but then i said to myself NO! who says i'm not as worthy as MERYL...JULIAN and GLENN...we're all in our advanced years...they all may have Oscars under their belt nonetheless in spite of that at least i've take'n a belt off an Oscar or 5 over the years and thankfully i feel just as fulfilled fill'n them up!

i heard there was some sorta controversy when you had premiered your

latest flick "TELEPHONE" at the TUNA CANNES FILM FESTIVAL in Sheboygan Iowa...care to elaborate on the rumors?

well i'm not one to gossip but i overheard game show spectacle of  "TIC TAC DOUGH" fame WINK MARTINDALE was busted tapp'n his twinkle toes in some sorta fornicational morse code to an undercover policeman in the stall next to mine...though i'll deny it if anyone asks me outright!

do you have any other plans to do a follow up in the footsteps of most 

films of horror fav-o-rits like JASON...FREDDY and MICHAEL and might yer audience perhaps be see'n a trilogy to "TELEPHONE" in the near future?

it's funny you should ask that JOAN cuz this film was almost not made...see what had happened was i almost walked off the set on day 1 of film'n since my rider demands weren't met...i mean is it ask'n too much fer powder green m&m's to match my powder green eyes...powder green contacts and a slovakian chef to feed them to me? (the m&m's not the contacts in case yer confused) luckily my multiple personality manager inside my head convinced me to fergo the amenities at this time around 

so my fabulous director TONY LARSON and myself had discussed the other day about take'n the profits from "TELEPHONE" which takes place in the 80's...to bank role that into a 90's follow-up called "FLIP PHONE" and of course fer the new gender fluid non dairy binary canary millennials we'd of course have to do a non scary "CELL PHONE" which would be the scariest of them all cuz it's like a trilogy of terror when yer cell goes off while yer try'na get off in some raunchy rest stop though we'll probably wait fer the receipts from "TELEPHONE" to come in before anything else happens...i'll keep ya posted!

here's a few behind the scenes from my colossal cringe fest...you think it's sooo damn easy bein me however hand placement is completely crucial...it can make or break a scene...i also hadda do a few "look into the light Carol Ann" shots fer the dream sequence as well (i was see'n spots fer days)

this was me take'n a break on location film'n the open'n scene on the last day after a month and a half of shoot'n...i hadda do this scene over like 15 times cuz desperado's were try'na consume my spotlight walk'n up the sidewalk on a beautiful wednesday even'n...coincidentally this was also the location of the wrap party which was lack'n any sorta open bar or buffet (well it wasn't in the budget i was told) good thing there was some hummus and stale saltines still left at the bottom of the purse that i bought at a rummage sale last year

well i think...i mean i absolutely know...your kittens would be interested 

so let's turn the tables to the director TONY LARSON fer a change...so tell me TONY the readers want to know what exactly made you decide to want to film this tale of terror with that terror KRYSTAL and how ever did you manage to get the unintentionally internationally unknown performing illusionist of her own universe to get on board in the first place?

well then…i guess he’s prepp’n for the premiere…move’n on!

ok so i guess i'll follow yer lead from the past interviews that you've done

"can we talk about ME fer a change?"

so ask me KRYSTAL darling anything you wanna know about me except about those fuck'n rainbows cuz that's just lazy journalism

ok JOAN...i heard yer somewhat to blame fer the downfall of the late

MICHAEL JACKSON by give'n him some advice on date'n...can you elaborate on that?

i can admit that the whole downfall to MICHAEL JACKSON's career was 

entirely my fault...i told him to only date 28 year old's...

who knew he was gonna find 20 of them & i don’t wanna hear any of you out there gimme any grief over that one so on that note toodaloo cuntaroo!

i wanna thank the dearly deceased JOAN RIVERS fer come'n on over

from the other side to bask in my dimly lit spotlight and chitter chatter’n with me fer a mere moment in time...i wished we could'a talked a bit longer but i dropped my dignity all over the ouija board and we lost our connection though presumably i can now marinate in my fame fer a moment since my dimly lit spotlight just got ginormous with MY NAME FINALLY ON THE MARQUEE!

hope you enjoy our desperate attempt at terrify'n you with "TELEPHONE" and have yerself a helluva hweenie and here's hope'n yer trick won't treat you with an uncomfortable uber ride to the red door clinic in the morn'n!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!